The Greatest yearly event is back, over one year late! Read jokes from one year ago that are no longer relevant!

OOC: I think by now you all should know what to expect. If you continue reading past this, I have no sympathy for you what-so-ever. Continuing the streak, the quality has once again diminished a significant amount. I mean, seriously. I don’t even know how Kunoi is going to be locked up in a room all day watching Chris-Chan videos, while at the same time being in a room playing “Celebrity Apprentice” with the rest of the Boyfriends’ Club. …Oh, wait. I got it! They recorded Celebrity Apprentice BEFORE The whole “Kunoi Watches Chris Chan vids the entire day thing! Seriously, I JUST thought of that as I was typing this disclaimer! No wonder why the UCTF’s been around for almost 12 years now! I’m a FRICKIN’ genius! On to the matches…

*We’re in a darkened, damp room where the musty smell of mold fills the small, 16 x 16 space. Only large enough to fit a small television and a chair, the room looks like it should be on the set of the Fox Television show (FINALLY CANCELED! ABOUT TIME!) 24. What could the purpose of this set up be for?*

Kunoi: WHAT THE HELL IS THIS SHIT?!!?

*Yep! It’s time for our opening match up!*

Kunoi Ishigami vs. Christian Weston Chandler

*Our poor Grand Champion is shoved into the room before he’s pinned down and shackled to the wooden chair, which itself is bolted down to the floor.*

Kunoi: Is this shit necessary?!

Guard: e_e Per Sasa Dark, you are to be chained to the chair.

Kunoi: …I’m going to fucking end his life. What about THAT?!

*More guards pour in (which is a feat into itself because of the size of the room!) before attaching some sort of device to Ishigami.*

Guard: This will monitor your heart rate. The second your heart passes 150 BPM, you officially lose the match up.

Kunoi: 150!? I’m an ATHLETE! I can run miles before my heart goes that fast!

Guard: …*grin*

*No sooner Kunoi says that, the guard flips on the television, which already has one of Chris Chan’s videos playing.*

I GOT A FISH! WOULD YOU LIKE TO MAKE A WISH! I GOT A FISH WOULD YOU LIKE TO MAKE A WISH! I GOT A FIIIIIIIIIIIISSSHHHH! ………WOULD YOU LIKE TO MAKE A WISH!

Kunoi: D:!!!

Guard: Good luck. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHA

–April Fools’ Day 2010—

Bob: Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to the annual Pay Per View Extravaganza, April Fools’ Day! I am your host, Bob Hinden, alongside the Hentai Commentator, Ralph Gerrard!
Ralph: I would not like to be Kunoi Ishigami right now… but having said that, I’d rather be Kunoi than THIS unlucky son of a bitch who’s about to come out.
Bob: … You know what the next match is?
Ralph: Yeah! It’s April Fools’ Day! Up is down, Down is up! Cats and Dogs sleep together and all that stuff.

Arzie: The Following match is scheduled for one fall….

*The theme to “Jesse James is a Dead Man” kicks up, bringing down the world’s biggest douchebag!*

Arzie: Introducing first… The man who single handedly ruined the life of America’s Sweetheart… JESSEEEE JAMEEESSSS!!!

Jesse: ;_; HEY

Ralph: Wow, what a totally unbiased introduction.
Bob: is it not true?!
Ralph: What, Sandra Bullock being America’s Sweetheart? HELLS NO! She’ll be out later to take care of Barack Obama!
Bob: …Oh no…
Ralph: e_e

*To make matters worse for Jesse James, This IDIOT comes out rocking a custom built chopper straight out of his own garage! Not a way to gain sympathy from the crowd!*

Crowd: BOOOOOOOOO!!!!

Bob: O_o Wow. Somewhere, Tiger Woods is on his knees thanking Buddha for this guy.
Ralph: Check the security cameras. Tiger Woods is literally backstage right now thanking Buddha. o_o

Arzie: And his opponent… please welcome the Academy Award Winning actress, SAAANNNDDRRAAAA BULLLOOCCKKKK!!!

*The crowd pops HUGE for her, as she makes her way down the aisle!*

Sandra: e_e…

Bob: Oh boy… I know this look. That’s the look Janne gave me at the Child Support proceedings…
Ralph: How much ARE you shelling out per month, anyway?
Bob: I don’t want to talk about it. e_e

*In the arena, Sandra Bullock climbs into the ring, preparing to face off against her death defying husband in singles action!*

!!DING DING DING!!

Sandra Bullock vs. Jesse James

*With the sound of the bell, Sandra prepares to unleash the past few weeks of frustration out on her nazi bitch loving husband!*

Jesse: okok, I know you’re angry…
Sandra: e_e
Jesse: BUT IT WAS JUST ONE TIME, OK! I WAS WEAK! ;_; IT ONLY HAPPENED ONCE!

Arzie: Ladies and Gentlemen, I have just been informed that ANOTHER mistress has come forward!

Crowd: OOOH X_X

Jesse: o_o.. ok.. look. It was two women, but I swear to GOD that’s it!

Arzie: I have just been informed that a THIRD Jesse James Mistress has come forward!

Ralph: JESUS!!
Bob: Maybe we should be having the Jesse James Mistress battle royale later tonight instead of the Tiger Woods one…

Jesse: ok.. ok I know this looks bad—

Arzie: WE HAVE JUST BEEN INFORMED THAT JESSE WAS IN A FOURSOME ORGY WITH ANOTHER MALE, MICHELLE BOMBSHELL, AND A LADY NAMED SKITTLES VALENTINE!

*Editor’s Note: I swear to God I’m not making this shit up. That’s her actual name!*

Everyone in the BUILDING: O_O!!

Jesse: DAMMIT ARZIE SHUT THE FUCK U—

!!WHOOMP!!

*Jesse’s finally cut off by a DEVESTATING lariat from his soon to be ex-wife! The star of “Jesse James is Dead” damn near has a broken neck from landing upside down!*

Crowd: *POPS!*

Bob: THAT WAS ONE HELLACIOUS CLOTHESLINE!!

*But he’s back up, only to be popped in the face with a running boot!*

Bob: And now he’s sent into the corner! This is a long time coming!
Ralph: O_o Bob… look who’s coming down the aisle.

*A Brown Shirted UPS man sprints down the aisle, carrying a long box with him…*

Ralph: Ok, I knew UPS was awesome but to deliver a package DURING a match?!
Bob: I know…

*It’s a package for Sandra Bullock… straight from Sweden. It can only mean one thing…*

Bob: OH NO!! OH NO!

*The box opens up to reveal…*

Ralph: GOLF CLUB!!!
Bob: Obviously sent from the home of Elin Nordegren!

*Jesse James looks up to see the 9 iron in the hands of his wife! NOT good news for him!*

Jesse: OH SH–

*He ducks a wild swing from Sandra and wisely escapes the ring!*

Bob: Look at that coward!
Ralph: Coward!? GENIUS! I’d be getting the hell out of there myself!

*Jesse quickly hops on his chopper, desperately attempting to start it up. Alas, in his panicked state he manages to stall out the engine ala Hulk Hogan! Bad luck, especially for a person who has a crazed golf club wielding psycho charging him!*

Ralph: GET THE HELL OUT OF THERE MAN!

*He dives off the bike just in time for the chopper to be leveled with the golf club! He abandons his wheels and just floors it up the ramp on foot! Sandra is close behind!*

Bob: Jesse’s getting the hell out of dodge!
Ralph: Run faster idiot! She’s right behind you!

*The chase continues until they’re both on top of the ramp! The second they arrive on the stage…*

VVVVVVRRRROOOOOOOOMMMMMMMMM!!!

BLAOWWWWWWWWWW!!!

Everyone: D:!

Bob: OH MY GOD!! OH MY GOD BOTH SANDRA BULLOCK AND JESSE JAMES HAVE BEEN RUN OVER BY THE BUS!! THE HUMANITY!
Ralph: o_o Well, not THE Bus… A Bus, but… why?!

*The metro style bus’ door opens up, revealing none other than…*

Keanu Reeves: OH GOD! ;_; OH GOD I MISJUDGED!

Bob and Ralph: KEANU REEVES?!?!

Keanu: OH GOD ;_; I WAS JUST SUPPOSED TO HIT JESSE JAMES AND MAKE SOME SNARKY ONE LINER REMARK IN REFERENCE TO SPEED! OH GOD I WASN’T SUPPOSED TO HIT BOTH OF THEM OH GOD! OH GOD!

Everyone: …

Keanu: wait… WAIT! I GOT IT. I’LL JUST SEND HER A NOTE! I’LL PUT A NOTE IN THE MAIL BOX AND SHE’LL GET IT IN THE PAST… WAIT NO X_X DAMMIT I WAS IN THE PAST AND SHE WAS IN THE FUTURE. DAMMIT THAT WON’T WORK! OH GOD! OH GOD!

Bob: o_o
Ralph: Draw?
Bob: Draw.

Winner: TIE

*Elsewhere, at UCTF Productions Headquarters…*

Jamal: e_e THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN VOTES END IN A TIE.

*Meanwhile, back at the Kunoi Ishigami Torture Chamber…*

ABSTINENCE, IF YOU’RE JUST LEARNING ABOUT IT, ABSTINENCE IS NOTHING BUT CRAP. IT IS A WHOLE FUCKING BUNCH OF BALONEY. IF EH-IF I HAD THE OPPORTUNITY, I WOULD-IF I WAS IN AN ASSEMBLY, I WOULD STAND RIGHT UP IN MY CHAIR AND I WOULD SAY “FUCK UP-FUCK ABSTINENCE!”

Kunoi: e_e… I don’t think you understand Chris… Abstinence isn’t the inability to get laid, idiot.

Bob: Continuing our apparent “Men are all liars and Cheaters” motif, our next match up is Reille Hunter going against Elizabeth Edwards!
Ralph: Now I know a lot of you folks are gonna hate on my boy John and say “How could you cheat on your wife who has CANCER with some slut you met in a bar?! AND NOT EVEN USE A CONDOM!” Well you PLAYER HATERS, why won’t you, for once, see it from his side of things? He was horny!
Bob: >=|!

Arzie: The following match is scheduled for one fall!!

*Editors Note: I… I don’t know if I can type this one, guys. I mean, firstly, the vote was way too close. I mean how many sick fuckers out there in UCTF land allowed the voting to be THIS CLOSE?! And now that I’m forced to write a competitive match, I have ideas in my head that might send me on an auto trip to hell. I HATE ALL OF YOU. ‘coughs’ continuing…*

Arzie: Introducing first, hailing from Jacksonville, Florida… she is the cancer stricken estranged wife of JOOOHNNN EDWARDS… WELCOME, ELIZABETH EDWARDS!!

Ralph: did he have to add the Estranged Wife part?
Bob: He wouldn’t be the best ring announcer in the business if he didn’t.

Arzie: And her opponent, hailing from Fort Lauderdale, Florida… She single handedly ended the political career of John Edwards along with her father being a horse KILLLERRRR!!

Ralph: holy shit!

Arzie: WELCOME, REILLE HUNTERRRR!!!!

*Reille gets a mixed reaction from the crowd as she makes her way down the aisle! Elsewhere, in UCTF Production Headquarters…*

Jamal: REALLY?!!?!? WITHIN ONE VOTE?! ARE YOU PEOPLE THAT FUCKING EVIL!? LIZ EDWARDS HAS CANCER YOU SICK SONS OF BITCHES! >=|

*Back in the Arena*

Bob: For those of you who have been living under a rock for the past four years, here is a quick rundown of the relationship between Reille Hunter and John Edwards…

2006 – New York Bar.

Reille: I have a great idea for your campaign, John. Let’s use Youtube as a means for viral marketing!
Edwards: That IS a great idea. But you know what’s better?

*later*

Edwards: UGGHGHGHHGHHH!!

2007 – The Edwards Mansion in North Carolina

*Reille Hunter and Real Bout Mai arrive at John’s house!*

Edwards: Bitch didn’t I tell you never to come here!?!?!
Reille: John…
RB Mai: WE’RE PREGNANT @_@
Edwards: D:!!

*Hiding in the bushes*

E! Demon: O_O WHAT A SCOOP!

2008: Charlotte Observer

Edwards: THAT BABY AIN’T MINE! >=|
Reporter: so you’ll take a DNA test?
Edwards: HELL NO!

*In the crowd*

Maury Povich: DAMN! >=|

January 21st 2010: Press Conference

Edwards: -_- *sighs* ok yeah, the kid is mine, alright.
Everyone: ………LMFAOSFALFMALFAMFOLFMAOLFMAOLMFAO

*Back in the arena!*

Ralph: Remind you of anything, Bob?
Bob: huh?
Ralph: *coughJANNEcough*
Bob: e_e… Anyway. Ladies and Gentlemen, we’ve been informed that we will have a special guest commentator in our booth tonight. None other than the former President of the United States of America, BILL CLINTON!

*The Camera pans backwards slightly to show William Jefferson Clinton STRAIGHT CHILLIN in the commentators booth. Both feet are on the table, and he’s got a bucket of fried chicken in his hand.*

Ralph: Dude O_o isn’t your heart like, half dead? Should you be eating that?
Bill: I’ll eat what I want Ralph, and you should address me as MR. PRESIDENT. For God’s sake, son. I was in the first main event here in the UCTF! Do you know how hard that was considering I was an active president at the time, sleeping with multiple women AND letting Osama Bin Laden go in the middle east?!
Ralph: o_o you’re right. Sorry.
Bob: I guess you’re philandering ways makes you the best candidate for this kinda match, huh?
Bill: Hey, it was 12 freaking years ago, Bob. Get over it already. e_e my wife has.

!!DING DING DING!!

Reille Hunter vs. Elizabeth Edwards

*The two women clash in the center of the ring, collapsing on the ground in a massive scale–*

Clinton: CAT FIGHT!! CAT FIGHT!!
Bob: …
Ralph: But not a really attractive one…
Clinton: Oh come on Ralph, you don’t think Cankles are sexy?
Ralph: …

*The battle becomes increasingly more violent as hair is now being pulled by each women! Unfortunately for the cancer-stricken Edwards…*

Everyone: O_O

Bob: OH GOD! HER CHEMOTHERAPY WIG JUST CAME OFF!

*Editors Note: YOU SEE THE SHIT YOU GUYS ARE MAKING ME WRITE HERE?!*

Ralph: o_o wow. Totally Bald.
Bill: Hey, it don’t matter to me, fella! I’d still hit that!
Bob: COME ON GUYS! REALLY?!

*As she scrambles for her medical wig, Reille takes full advantage of the situation, laying some stiff boots into the BREAST area of her opponent!*

Bob: OH COME ON NOW! THIS IS DISGUSTING! SOMEBODY DO SOMETHING ABOUT THIS!

Reille: LOOK AT YOU! IT’S NO WONDER YOUR HUSBAND CAME RUNNING TO ME! WHO WOULD WANT AN OLD, SICK, BALD HEADED BITCH LIKE YOU!?!

!!KAAAABOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!!

DUH DUH DUH
OH BABY BABY!!
DUH DUH DUH
OH BABY BABY!!

*That was the LAST thing that should have come out of Reille Hunter’s mouth, because like CLOCKWORK, the UCTF’s resident, old, sickly, baldheaded bitch responds! Charging down the aisle with a umbrella in tow and Ten Masked Men’s “Baby One More Time” blaring is Bald Headed Britney Spears!*

Ralph: OH GOD NO!
Bob: HERE WE GO! BUSINESS HAS JUST PICKED UP!

*Umbrella to the gut by Britney, followed by the Goozle!*

Bob: I think Reille is going up!

*Britney lifts Reille into the sky single handedly!*

Bill: O_o Good Gravy! One handed!
Bob: and CHOKESLAM by Britney Spears!

*The Deranged Big Pink Machine rolls Elizabeth Edwards over before retreating to the back!*

Ref: 1…. 2… 3!!

!!DING DING DING!!

Bob: And that’s it! Edwards wins the contest with the help of Britney Spears!
Ralph: Wow that was 1999 level bad.

Winner: Elizabeth Edwards (I mean seriously. THIS SHOULD HAVE BEEN A BLOW OUT, YOU SICK DEPRAVED BASTARDS!)

Bill: Well, I have to go. Good luck with your next set of special guests in the booth!
Bob: Wha?

!!IT’S RAINING MEN!!

Bob and Ralph: FUCK! >=|!

!!HALLELUJAH IT’S RAINING MEN!! HEY HEY!!

*The commentary duo have no time to react as they’re already pounced on and given a tickle attack that would make Eric Massa blush!*

Bob: ADLSFAKDF
Ralph: GET THE HELL OFF ME!

*Bob and Ralph struggle in vain before quickly leaping off of the tower, welcoming potential broken legs over the sexual harassment of the “Men on Films” duo! Settling into their posts, the flamboyant men slip on the headsets of the former commentators…*

Blaine: HELLO UCTF FANS! I am Blaine Edwards
Antoine: and I am his Spectabulously Fabtacular “partner” Antoine Merriweather
Both: And we’re MEN ON, UCTF April Fools Day!
Antoine: What do we have on the menu right now, Blaine?
Blaine: Well, by the looks of what’s going on in the ring, it looks like a heaping plate of FISH!
Both: HATED IT!

*The Camera flips to ring side, showing Mindy Lawson, Holly Sampson, Jamie Jungers, Joslyn James, Rachel Uchitel, Cori Rist, Jaime Grubbs, and Kalika Moquin all stuffed into the squared circle for the next match up. That’s right readers, the women just got a good ol fashioned “Ric Austin” style entrance!*

Arzie: The following match is the over the top rope, Tiger Woods Mistress Battle Royale! The Winner will receive Tiger Woods first ever Master’s trophy in exchange for shutting her damn mouth e_e. The participants are already inside the squared circle, so let the SKANK BATTLE BEGIN!

Crowd: *POPS!*

!!DING DING DING!!

Tiger Woods Mistress Battle Royale

Blaine: Here we go!
Antoine: And you can almost hear the feline sounds emanating from the ring as these money hungry, home wrecking sluts attack each other!
Blaine: wow Antoine! Me-ow!

*Jamie Grubbs and Kalika Moquin are quickly eliminated from the match up!*

Blaine: There’s too gone already!
Antoine: Which one of these fish said that Tiger was on the DL?
Blaine: Loredana Jolie. She couldn’t make it tonight.
Antoine: Tiger probably killed that bitch for bringing that out of the closet. LOLLOL
Blaine: Still… he can give me a call if he ever wants to explore those feelings.
Antoine: me too.

*Cori Rist gets tossed out by Rachel Uchitel!*

Blaine: there goes mistress #9!
Antoine: Have fun at your old Job, Hooters, bitch! No Ebaying for you!

*But Rachel keeps her back to the ring for too long! Big mistake, as she’s quickly eliminated by Joslyn James!*

Crowd: O_O!

Antoine: BYE BITCH!! HAHAHAHA!
Blaine: Tiger’s apparent bottom bitch is gone, as we both give her—
Both: THREE SNAPS IN Z FORMATION!
Blaine: have fun with your hush money, fish!

*Now only four women remain in the ring! James and Sampson pair up against Lawson and Jungers!*

Antoine: it seems the two AIDS infected porn stars have naturally joined forces against the old bitch Lawson and the halfway decent looking Jamie Jungers!
Blaine: Jamie won the Howard Stern “Tiger Woods Mistress Beauty Pagent” a few weeks ago, let’s see if that helps her tonight!

*The four women go at it, as the crowd in the UCTF arena goes mild!*

Antoine: every single woman in this match should be tested for syphilis after this is over…
Blaine: I second that.

*Lawson gains the upper hand, eliminating Joslyn James while Holly Sampson eliminates Jamie Jungers, bringing the match down to the final two!*

Blaine: and the bottom feeding whores have been narrowed down to two very ugly choices!
Antoine: am I a bad boy for praying a piano falls in the center of the ring at this very moment!
Blaine: Yes, but I LIKE that about you!
Antoine: HAAAAYYY!!

*The two women waste no time pounding each other in an instant slugfest! Lawson whips Sampson into the corner. She reverses, sending the brunette into the corner! Sampson charges towards Lawson, who responds by delivering a boot to the face.*

Blaine: She just took a hard one to the face!
Antoine: that’s what she said…
Blaine: Both women want it… which is why Tiger was with them in the first place…
Antoine: I see what you did there!

*Staggered in the ropes, Sampson is a sitting duck for a MASSIVE clothesline from Lawson! In fact, it’s so massive, that both women fly over the top rope and crash on the floor at the same time!*

Blaine and Antoine: WHAT?!

Everyone: e_e.

!!DING DING DING!!

Blaine: Oh, it looks like married men aren’t the only thing these bitches screwed… this match has just gone all to hell!
Antoine: Let’s see what the official decision is…

Arzie: Ladies and Gentlemen, since both women hit the floor at the same time, the referee will award this match to BOTH Mindy Lawson and Holly Sampson!

Crowd: BOOOOOOOO!!!

Antoine: The Luger/Hart finish?
Blaine: from a much more enjoyable Rumble by the way…

*The fans, commentators, and especially participants are not happy with this decision, especially when both women are awarded the trophy at the same time. Holly and Mindy struggle with the statue.*

Mindy: THIS IS BULLSHIT!!

Ref: yeah well, go take it up with King Solomon, bitch. I’m sure he’s got a way to settle your problem. <^>

Winners: Mindy Lawson and Holly Sampson

*Elsewhere, in UCTF studios…*

Jamal: THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN THINGS END IN A DRAW AROUND HERE. E_E

*Back in the arena*

Blaine: Ok Antoine, you stole my sheet. What’s next??

!!BLAAAAAAOWWW!!

*Before Antoine can finish, they’re NAILED from behind with golf clubs! See what I did there?!

Bob: e_e Sorry about that folks. We’re back.
Ralph: How do they get in the building EVERY YEAR?!?!

*Elsewhere…*

I am CHRISTIAN WESTON CHANDLER, SO GET IT THROUGH YOUR DAMN FUCKING SKULL AND CALL ME A REAL NAME THAT have God has been given to me and the bear at Regency Square Shopping center, during 1989, YOU DAMN MOCKING BASTARD!

Get it RIGHT! I’M Christian Weston Chandler, you are only CHRIS….CHANDLER! Your medal is made out of PAPER! The whole length of time, the REAL medal has been made out of Crayola fucking Model Magic and acrylic PAINT! If I wanted paper, I would go to Wal-mart and pay five dollars for FIVE HUNDRED SHEETS!

Redo the ten minute song and save the commentaries for a separate video, and everybody on the internet knows that I am the real deal, you are the impostor, so give up the damn game already before I really call the poli- before that I actually- before I tell the police all the information I have gotten since I finally got them involved, and then send them on your case, put you in jail, even though I would prefer not to see you in jail because Kacey respects you so much, man! She cares about you so much! She has told me herself, over the telephone!

If I did not have that beforehand, I would have just been gladly prepared, gladly, and only gladly, before talking to her, gladly, to see your ass behind bars. But after talking to Kacey, and hearing her honest respect, I would hate to see you in jail, out of respect, and of care, because she would be heartbroken. You are a lucky son of a gun, Chris Chandler, so quit this stupid impersonation game. Call my by the real name that God and the bear has given me throughout my whole life. The current full name of Christian Weston Chandler, my first name being Christopher and my Spanish nickname being Ricardo. But in the end, just call me the full name, Christian Weston Chandler.

This game is not fun. If you are not careful, you really are going to go to jail. You will be tried in court, and you will be going to jail or serve community service, forcedly. I have- I was nice about it, I told you the details, and what do you do, YOU KICK ME IN THE BALLS AGAIN! And I do not appreciate that! So stop it! Stop it!

Come clean! Rip off your PAPER medallion, RIP IT OFF like a shred of paper, look at my medal, I cannot even twist it, because it is made from Model Magic, not some cheap paper I can get at Wal-mart for five hundred dollar- for five dollars for five hundred sheets. Sing the whole nine-minute-something song.

Kunoi: …I can do this… e_e I won’t be broken. Not by this asshole.

*Back in the arena…*

Arzie: The following match is our PRESIDENTIAL GRUDGE MATCH!!

Ralph: Alright! This is what I’ve been waiting for! That socialist Obama’s about to get his.
Bob: oh Christ…

Arzie: Introducing first, From Wasilla, Alaska… The Former Vice Presidential Candidate and HALF-TERM GOVERNOR OF ALASKA…

Ralph: OH WHAT THE HELL. DID HE HAVE TO THROW THAT IN THERE?!
Bob: Is it not true? O_o

Arzie: SARRRAAAAAHHH PAAALLLINNNNN!!

*The Former Mayor and Governor of the Alaska makes her way down the aisle to a mixed reception…*

Ralph: What the hell? Did I hear some boos sprinkled in there?! >=| All of these idiots in the arena are socialist!
Bob: ok.. seriously.. what the hell is going on?
Ralph: e_e I hear her and Todd are on the outs… If I can just keep spewing this dumb shit, maybe I could get those hot 40 year old legs wrapped around my neck, ya know what I’m saying?!
Bob: e_e I knew you had an ulterior motive.

Arzie: And her opponent… hailing from 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue in Washington DC… PRESIDENT BARACK OBAMA!!!

*The President’s theme song begins playing for a few moments to a mixed reception,… After a few moments of no showing, that mixed reaction turns into boos! The atmosphere becomes even WORSE when the president’s image shows up on screen from what seems to be an island paradise in the background!*

Obama: oh.. uhh.. hey there. ^_^ I know uhh.. I’m uhh supposed to be there uhh but…. I can’t right now. You see uhhh… Me, Pelosi, and uhhh… Dodd and the boys are out here celebrating the death uhh of uhh.. the capitalist way uhhhh after passing healthcare refor—uhhh—mm…

Bob: Did he stutter in the middle of a word!?

Obama: souhh.. I’m uhh gonna uhh… look e_e Joe Biden’s about to whip her ass aiight?

!!THIS IS A BIG FUKKIN’ DEAL!!

*The Botch-KING’S music kicks up, and out comes CRAZY Joe Biden! He’s storming down to the ring with murderous intent in his eyes!*

Bob: OH SHIT!
Ralph: Obama no shows the UCTF AGAIN and here comes that LUNATIC!
Bob: Well.. I guess this makes more sense. o_o she wasn’t running for president in 2008.
Ralph: depends on who you ask.

Joe Biden vs. Sarah Palin

*As Joe slides under the ropes and enters the ring, Sarah can only think of one question to ask…*

Sarah: ;_; Can I call you Joe?
Joe: e_e NO!

!!WHOOOMP!!

*A giant right hand later and the former Governor is knocked clearly off her feet and sent flying through the ropes!*

Bob: BIG RIGHT BY BIDEN!
Ralph: What the hell?! He wouldn’t let her call him Joe?! What an elitist!!!
Bob: o_o you’re really going to run through all of the talking points, aren’t you?

*As Biden follows the Governor to the outside, Sarah Barracuda KIPS UP to her feet, much to the surprise of everyone in the arena!*

Sarah: e_e ALRIGHT OBIDEN! WE’LL PLAY IT YOUR WAY THEN!
Joe: IT’S NOT OB—

!!WHOOMP!!

*Joe feels the sole of Sarah’s running shoe crush his face before he’s sent flying over the time keeper’s table!*

Bob: RUNNING KICK BY SARAH!

Sarah: YEAH OBIDEN E_E I’M NOT A FAT PIG LIKE RUSH LIMBAUGH! GET UP!
Joe: x_x My name is not o—

!!BAM!!

*A reverse roundhouse kick knocks Joe ONTO the apron! He scrambles back into the ring while Sarah climbs onto the apron herself.*

Sarah: YOU DID THIS TO YOURSELF OBIDEN!

*She springboards into the ring, hitting a flying KICK to the face! Joe corkscrews from the impact, landing face first on the canvas! As he climbs to his knees, Sarah retreats to the corner, warming her foot up for the big Randy Orton PUNT!*

Bob: I’m thinking she’s getting ready to put the VP away!

Sarah: GOODNIGHT OBIDEN!
Joe: >=|!!!

*Sarah explodes out of the corner, only to be SPEARED by the VP!*

Crowd: OOOHHH!!

Ralph: OH NO! OBIDEN REVERSES!
Bob: …

Joe: IT’S BIDEN, BITCH!

*Joe reverses his hold, locking on Bryan Danielson’s “Cattle Mutilation!” Sarah’s not locked in the hold for more than a few seconds before…*

Sarah: *TAPS!!* X_X

!!DING DING DING!!

Ralph: OH WHAT THE—
Bob: IT’S OVER! PALIN DID WHAT SHE DOES BEST! QUITTING! IT’S OVER! IT’S OVER!

*Biden lets go to a massive ovation, reaching out to the ring announcer and grabbing a couple of O’Douls non-alcoholic beer!*

Bob: quick, impressive victory over Sarah Palin!
Ralph: ….

Winner: Joe Biden

Arzie: The following is the FAT VS. FATTER MATCH AND IS SCHEDULED FOR ONE FALL!

Bob: These matches are getting worse. >_<

Arzie: Introducing first, making her way down the aisle, hailing from New Jersey…. She weighs a massive SIX HUNDRED POUNDS… DONNNAAA SIMPSONNNNN!!

*Donna comes down the aisle, riding a motorized cart! What?! Walking burns calories! e_e

Ralph: D:!! HOLY CRAP!
Bob: Donna is going for the record of 1000 lbs.. and is a current model on a BBW porn site…
Ralph: a fetish for bitches THIS big!? Who the hell?!
Bob: let me check your internet history on your laptop.
Ralph: O_O N..NO!

*UCTF Ring crew members have to LIFT this bitch into the ring because she is insistent on not firing one muscle on her own! While they struggle…*

Arzie: And her opponent, hailing from Springfield, USA… He is one of the fattest men on the planet… HOMMERRRR JAAYYYY SIMPSONNNN!!!

*Homer comes down to an insane ovation from the crowd!*

Bob: Homer is an awesomely fat man, who’s almost defeated our very own Kakarott in an eating contest several years ago, but I don’t even think HE can stand up to the beast that is… almost in the ring. o_o
Ralph: Yeah. It looks like she could probably eat him for a midnight snack o_o

Homer Simpson vs. Donna Simpson

*Donna’s FINALLY placed in the ring, where she quickly collapses in the corner ala Raven! Only in her case, she’s not depressed, her legs simply cannot support her weight!*

Everyone: o_o…

Ref: e_e Ring the Bell and let’s get this shit over with.

!!DING DING DING!!

*With the match officially under way, Homer attacks his much larger opponent! He gives her some of his best punches, punches that have even put Ex President George HW Bush himself on his ass! This time however, they have ZERO effect!*

Homer: o_o uh oh

*Her MASSIVE mounds of fat absorb the hits, returning the energy back into Homer which knock him across the ring! I mean, this bitch is KINGPIN fat! She’s SO FREAKING FAT THAT–*

Torneco: o_o damn that bitch is fat.

*In Hell*

Fat Abbott: o_o damn. That white bitch is fat!

*SHE’S THAT FAT*

Bob: Homer’s attacks have no effect!
Ralph: she’s snorlax fat o_o

*Homer continues his vain attempt at an attack, being knocked backwards with each attempt! Finally, he thinks to come up with a new strategy…*

Homer: Oh Donna… ^___^
Donna; O_O!

*He pulls out a bag of skittles, an idea that was a good idea on paper!*

Donna: FOOD. E_E

*BUT NOT IN EXECUTION! DONNA STANDS UP AND SPEAERS HOMER THROUGH THE RING!*

Crowd: OOOHHH!!

Bob: UH OH! HE’S AWAKENED THE BEAST!
Ralph: RUN HOMER! O_O

Donna: FOOD E_E

*Homer manages to climb back to his feet! Swinging soup bones as fast and as hard as he can, he doesn’t manage to DENT his opponent, who smacks him through a crowd barrier outside the ring!*

Ralph: OH SHIT!!

*Homer somehow climbs back to his feet and now FLEES for safety! Donna follows behind him as they disappear into the back!*

Everyone: D:…

Ralph: Should the uhh.. cameras follow them??
Bob: Nah, I’m sure it’ll resolve itself by the end of the night.

Winner: ???

*Meanwhile, in the CWC Torture Chamber…*

Good day, I wish to, uh, make an announcement, uh, upon the side note, uh, aside from my usual work blagh would like to, uh, blagh make a claim, uh, make it obvious of to the creators of, uh, my favorite br- one of my favorite brand of, uh, body spray: AXE. [Presents AXE spray] Apparently it ha- it has come to my attention that, uh, bunch of, uh, people of the, uh, wrong orientation are, uh, using the, uh, AXE brand, ah, by which I mean particularly the, uh, homosexuals.

Eh eweh thusly a stereotype has been, uh, m- has been made if you, uh, if, has been made apparently, uh, has been made apparently ‘you be gay if you wore AXE.’ That’s so stupid it’s not I mean it’s not true I mean I’m straight and I have been using AXE for years. [Presents AXE again] I’m a proud sub- I’m a proud user of AXE ‘cos originally as it was originally intended for and I quote: [Reading label] “Effective deodorant protection designed to seduce the ladies” and then later, uh, when they expanded to, uh, the, uh, shower gel they continued with that in saying, uh, “ah kee—dr—kee—nahh let’s see. Hydrates your skin leavin’ it so pure that she’ll th—that she-ll think she’s the first one to touch it,” and then later again in, uh, shampoo it says here [Reading label] “Get girl approved hair. Wash, attract, repeat.”

Even though, uh, the comments, the, uh, comments, uh, sound, uh, sexist, uh, as I have learned, uh, on, uh, on their page on Wikipedia [gasp] I still feel that, uh, I have been at, uh, I still feel that, uh, is, uh, a big, uh, a big misuse and complete immoral act that the homosexuals take use of our of the AXE brand which is prefer- which is dimensionally and originally oriented towards the straight people. I mean men attract ladies. It means they’re straight. They want to attract the ladies they’re straight. Please, okay, that didn’t come out right but my point is anyway, uh, AXE is more straight is more meant for straight people: straight men who wish to attract the straight, nyell, the ladies.

Kunoi: e_e… I have to think about something else.. ok.. ok x_x Korea sucks.. China sucks.. Brazil sucks.. yeah.. I got revenge on Xiu…. I—

The straight men who wish to attract the ladies and I have been the proud us—prow user of AXE throughout the many bre—throughout the many, uh, variations, ehmore to come and more out there to [stuttering] out there to market and I’m sure, other than the body spray, the ehshower gel and the shampoo. In any case, AXE was adridgionally meant for, and should remain, only for the straight men who wish to attract the women. It is not meant for a homosexual dude to attract another homosexual dude. Ahem. Ticks me off. It really does.

So I hope that, uh, the aff—that the, uh, Unilever the company that creates the AXE products, uh, sees this, uh, video on the YouTube and also, uh, would like also, uh, I would like t- to, uh, well I’d be say— I’d be, uh, I would be sound like, uh, some kind of bad person if I tell ’em to not sell to the homosexuals but I wa—but it should be more obvious from the package that it is meant for straight people. Y’know and also I would like to make the following statement to all homosexuals who dare use it. You homosexuals, stay off of our AXE!

Kunoi: THIS ISN’T GOING TO WORK SASA E_E YOU CAN’T BREAK ME. YOU HEAR ME?! YOU CAN’T BREAK ME!

*Elsewhere, in the Presidential Suite…*

Sasa: e_e alright Kunoi. I didn’t want to do this… well.. I’m a liar e_e I’ve been waiting to do this all day. Reiji. Turn on the “RECYCLING” video. >=)

Reiji: CAW. e_e

*UH OH*

Ralph: The… “Recycling” video?
Bob: I don’t want to know, Ralph.

Arzie: The Following is our EATING CONTEST!

Crowd: YAAAAYYYY!!!!

Bob: Our Gluttonous Tradition has finally arrived!
Ralph: Eating contest time! Though, I wonder.. how in the hell did we bring all three of these dead motherfuckers back to life?

*Backstage*

Lo-Ruhamah: e_e Alright, there Sasa. But now you owe me.
Sasa: well, considering that you’re responsible for that loser XAMOT being around, I’d say we’re just about even. e_e

*Back at ringside…*

Arzie: Tonight’s main course will be… VICODIN!!

*Clothes covering the serving tables show MOUNDS of Vicodin pills!*

Bob: classy…
Ralph: holy crap, who stole the prescription book?!
Bob: I don’t know, but here comes Brittany Murphy.
Ralph: =( She was my favorite in Clueless…
Bob: and now out comes Corey Haim!
Ralph: and he was my favorite in Lost Boys ;_;
Bob: And finally, Heath Ledger making his way down…
Ralph: 10 Things I Hate About you is like the awesomest movie of all time!
Bob: o_o… and they call me gay…

Pill Eating Contest
Corey Haim vs. Brittany Murphy vs. Heath Ledger

Arzie: The rules are simple. The competitor who consumes the most amount of Vicodin in three minutes will be declared the winner! LET’S GET IT ON!

!!DING DING DING!!

Bob: The match has begun, and these dope heads are predictably going to work!
Ralph: You know, these contests make me miss Kakarott. =(
Bob: I’m sure he’ll be revived a few more times before next year. Maybe if he’s not between lives he’ll be able to participate in a contest.

*I’ll say it again… This idea was very good, ON PAPER. Execution? Not so much! It only takes a few seconds and a few hundred pills before all three of our participants are COMPLETELY out of it! *

Everyone: …

Ralph: LMFAO
Bob: this fed is going to hell in a hand basket o_o

!!CRASH!!

Everyone: *TURNS TO THE ENTRANCE* O_O

*The debacle of a match is quickly interrupted by HOMER SIMPSON being knocked through the Jumbotron!*

Bob: HOLY HELL HOMER’S JUST BEEN PUT THROUGH OUR SCREEN!
Ralph: o_o Hmm. You were right Bobby. This is going to be resolved.

Homer: OH GOD SOMEBODY HELP ME
Donna: e_e COME HERE.

*It’s Donna Simpson! The pursuer of the title “World’s Largest Woman!” In her hands she has a giant turkey leg that she stole from the catering table backstage! Homer crawls his way into the ring with the enraged fatty close behind!*

Bob: GET HER OUTTA THERE REF WE’RE TRYING TO HAVE A MATCH!
Ralph: Oh sweet! A match within a match! haven’t had one of these in years!

Homer Simpson vs. Donna Simpson

*Donna charges into Homer who hits a drop toe hold! The giant falls into one of the serving tables and her face falls right into the mountain of Vicodin Pills!*

Her: X_X

Everyone: ….

Her: MMM.. E_E TASTY!

Everyone: D:!!!

Guy in the Crowd: THAT’S A HUGE BITCH O_O

*Donna knocks Homer out of the way and goes INSANE on the stash! Heath, Corey, and Brittany, in their drugged out rage attack Donna at once! NOT A GOOD IDEA!*

Donna: >=|! GET OUT OF THE WAY!

*She kicks Heath away while grabbing the other two participants by their skulls! She pops her jaw out of place and SWALLOWS BOTH OF THEM WHOLE*

Everyone: O_O!!

*And that’s when everyone in the arena realizes this is not the best situation to be in! Fans begin to leave their seats and leap over each other in attempt to escape the arena!*

Homer: HEATH GET UP! WE HAVE TO STUFF AS MANY OF THESE PILLS INTO HER MOUTH AS POSSIBLE!
Heath: but… my Stash! ;_;
Homer: DO IT!

*Homer and Heath grab the table and chuck the entire thing into her mouth*

Homer: EAT THIS!!

Ralph: They’re trying to overload her!
Bob: It looks like it’s working, and it only took 10,000 pills to do it!

*Donna is staggered!*

Heath: Hey, Donna! Let me show you a trick. e_e

*Ledger pulls out a PENCIL*

Bob: OH NO! OH GOD NO!!

*He drives the pencil into the table.*

Bob: HE’S GOING TO DO IT!

*He turns to Donna Simpson!!*

Bob: HE’S REALLY GOING TO DO IT!

*HOW MUCH LONGER CAN I DRAW THIS OUT*

Bob: HE’S GOT HER!

*Heath SLAMS her face first into the pencil!*

Crowd: *PUKES ALL OVER THE PLACE!*

*Homer covers!*

Ref: 1……. 2……… 3!!!

!!DING DING DING!!

Bob: Homer wins! Give the assist to Heath Ledger!
Ralph: x_x what the hell is going on in this place?

Winner: Homer Simpson

Arzie: LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, YOUR WINNER, HOMER SIMPSON!!

Crowd: *POPS*

Arzie: As well as the eating contest timer expiring, giving the victory to Heath Ledger!

Crowd: *POPS AGAIN!*

Winner: Heath Ledger

Bob: Well, that was… interesting.
Ralph: for sure. o_o and hey, Heath’s back to life, thanks to Lo-Ruhamah. Maybe we can finally get a sequel to the dark kn.. oh wait. e_e he’s ODing on The Vicodin… yeah.. he’s dead.
Bob: HAPPY APRIL FOOLS DAY HEATH!

*Meanwhile… in the Kunio Ichigam torture chamber…*

Sasa: e_e Kunoi. It’s Me, Sasa. Look. Just give up.

Kunoi: SCREW YOU SASA. NOTHING YOU CAN SHOW ME WILL EVER… EVER MAKE ME GIVE UP E_E.

Sasa: …H_H Oh Kunoi.. How I was hoping you’d say that. REIJI. THE VIDEO.

*The television feed of Sasa slowly fades off.*

Kunoi: e_e…

*Chris appears in his room, dressed in a green bathrobe. His hair is disheveled.*

This is for my sweetest Ivy’s eyes only.

*Chris holds up a small disposable cup made of clear plastic. A thick, white liquid rests in a thin layer along the bottom.*

Here’s some of my, uh, cum I just masturborted out.

*He points at his own semen in the cup and brings it even closer to the camera.*

‘Bout to that much, that’s usually a lot.

*Chris holds a can of Fanta orange soda near the camera. He wears his Amnyfest Ring on his hand.*

Couldn’t find any chocolate syrup, but I have some orange soda.

*Chris cracks open the can of Fanta. He fills the bottom third of the Fapcup with soda. He swishes the soda and semen around, with an extremely disquieting smirk on his face.*

Well… bottoms up!

*He tilts back his head and drinks the cup of semen and Fanta.*

There you go, Ivy, orange-flavored cum. Hope you enjoyed that!

Kunoi: ……………………………… *POWERS UP* E_E!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

*uhh.. I think it’s safe to say…*

Winner: Christian Weston Chandler

*Back at the arena*

Bob: *THROWING UP*
Ralph: *THROWING UP* X_X

*THAT’S IT. SASA HAS FINALLY GONE TOO FAR! THE ENTIRE FUCKING ANIME ISLAND IS SHAKING*

Kunoi: HAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!

!!KAAAAAATHOOOOOOOOOOOOM!!

Reiji: o_o uhh… I think you won.
Sasa: SCREW THAT. GET EVERYTHING PACKED TOGETHER. ;_; WE’RE GETTING THE HELL OUT OF DODGE!

*Meanwhile, on the outskirts of Anime City…*

Lo-Ruhamah: GO FASTER YOU IDIOT! GET ME TO THE AIRPORT!

Cab Driver: ;_;!!!

*At Poad’s bar…*

Fujisawa: what the hell!?

Sano: I don’t know. Keep drinking.

*From the undisclosed location… well, the place that USED to be there, Kunoi slowly walks out into the night. He’s completely surrounded in ki, and he’s so damn angry, he’s CALM.*

Kunoi: Sasa e_e You have made a mistake.

*Kunoi charges towards The UCTF complex in a straight line… THROUGH businesses! Dan’s old dojo? GONE. Barf Burger?! GONE! Bryan Amethyst is a Giant Tool Memorial? Well, that manages to stay there without any harm. o_o*

Kuno: YOU’RE GONNA DIE SASA! YOU’RE GONNA DI—OOMMMPHHHH!

*The Grand Champion runs right into Vegeta. Yes. THAT Vegeta, who happens to be destroying part of the city himself!*

Vegeta: >=|!!! DRAGON BALL EVOLUTION!!… HUH?

Kunoi: ….

Vegeta: ….

Kunoi: You’re still destroying the City over that Dragon Ball movie?

Vegeta: Have you seen the Dragon Ball Movie?

Both: …….. *RESUMES DESTROYING THE CITY*

*Back in the arena…*

Bob: TIME TO GO RALPH! …Ralph?

*Bob turns to see Ralph has vacated the area again!*

Bob: HOW THE HELL DOES HE DO THIS?!

*The fans have resumed their escape attempt! Unfortunately for them, they’re already too late!*

!!KAATHHOOOOM!!

*The Grand Champion has punched a HOLE IN THE ARENA!*

Kunoi: SASA!! E_E I DON’T CARE IF THIS IS NON CANON OR NOT. I’M GOING TO KILL YOU TONIGHT!

*The Anime City Police Department are already there waiting for the champion!*

Kunoi: THAT’S IT?! YOU NEED MORE PEOPLE THAN THIS! HAAAA!!

*One tiny power up sends the ACPD packing!*

Bob: o_o oh well.. Looks like I get to Comment during my own death. I didn’t have that luxury last yea—

*One of the police officers crash into the booth taking out Bob and the entire structure with them!*

John Crosset: I’M HERE KUNIO!! OUR REMATCH AWA—

*Kunoi BREAKS HIS NECK*

Raven: o_o come on man. Calm down, he just had a little fanta. Me and Fubuki do that sorta thing all the—

*RUNNING KNEE TO RAVEN*

Fubuki: HEY ASSHOLE! THAT’S MY BOYFR—

*KATAHIZA*

William: HEY I’M BACK FROM CHINA FOR THE TIME BEING! WHAT’S UP?!

*BUISAKU KNEE KICK COMBO*

Miko: KUROI!

Kunoi: …

Miko: e_e calm down!

Kunoi: >=|

Miko: please? =(…

Kunoi: ……………. >=|……….. =( IT WAS HORRIBLE!!

*Kunoi FINALLY powers down to deep sighs of relief from the crowd. His girlfriend embraces him. How she loves this guy I’ll never know x_x*

Sasa: x_x oh.. oh thank God.

Reiji: *CAW*

*INDEED REIJI! Back at ringside…*

Miko: it’s ok now. It’s over. What happened?!

Kunoi: He.. Chris Chan.. They showed me…

*Kunoi whispers into Miko’s ear…*

Miko: ……………………………………….

!!!!!!!!KAAAAAAAAAAATHOOOOOOOOOOOMMMM!!!!!!

*Sasa’s wall is destroyed!*

Kunoi: >=|!!!

Miko: SASA!!! >=|

Sasa: lolfuck.

Reiji: lolcaw o_o

End.

 

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