Saturday Massacre – November 7th 1998

Lina and Dave v. Zel and Ryu

BoB- what a night we have tonight
Ralph- That’s right BoB, some of the greatest warriors are ready and rearin’ ta go so without further aideu, let’s Rock!!

BoB- you’re startin’ to sound like NWD there for a bit.

ralph- cool… speaking of which, here he comes now escorted by Shayla Shayla and his teammate Lina Inverse

BoB- she looks ready for a fight.

Ralph- she sure does bob, hey here comes Zel and Ryu… they look quit eready as well..

boB- this should be a very interesting matchup>

DING

BoB- nwd and zel satrt off in the center of the ring and BAM!! what a powerful initial attack by dave… knocked Zel right out of the ring

Ralph- he’s back up and in the ring again… Zel grabs dave and flings him into the ropes OHHH he mised with an attempted clothesline, daves on the rebound from the ropes on the otherside now and WOAH!! he nails zel with a flying elbow from the ropes..

NWD_ OOWWW!!! my elbow!!! that really hurt.

BoB- and it would since Zel’s skin is very rock-like in formation.

Ralph- Zel takes this opportunity to pick dave up and toss him into a turnbuckle.. dave strugles to his feet and tags lina in

BoB- Lina seems to be gtting a spell ready…

Lina- FLARE ARROW!!

Zel- Freeze Arrow!!

BoB- the two colide and destroy each other.

Shayla- what aperfect example of how the burning winter attack is wrong… show em again…

Lina- FLARE ARROW!!

Zel- Freeze Arrow!!

BoB- the spells are just disintigrating each other…

Lina- FIRE BALL!!!!

Zel- VAN REHL!!!

Ralph- a powerful web shield surrounds zel as the fireball hits and is destroyed…

Zel-SCATTER BLEED!!!

Lina- uhh uhh umm…Darkness beyond blackest pitch, deeper than the deepest night! King of Darkness, shining like gold upon the Sea of Chaos, I call upon thee! Swear myself to thee! Let the fools who stand before me—

NWD- WHAT THE HEKLL ARE YOU DOING!?!?

lina- uhh ohh yeah uhh.. woops… VALIS WALL!!

boB- Zel tags ryu in an attempt to rest.

Ryu- SHO RYU KEN!!

Ralph- Lina is hit and tags dave in

NWD_ whisper BALST!!!

Ryu- Shoryuken!!

Ralph- the two blasts of energy seemd to destory each other..

NWD- the martial arts master is fighitng me now huh? only on thing to do…

BoB- dave gets out of the ring and climbs up on the apron grabs the ropes and.. SLINGSHOT MOONSAULT!!!

Ralph- of course ryu move dout of the wya before it could connect.. WHATTHE!?! Dave changed his move in mid flight to a spin kick and it connects!!

Nwd- ryu.. i though t you kne wbetter than to expect me to ue slwo and sluggish attacks on you..

BoB- he closes his eyes for oen reason or another..

NWD- whisper KICK!!

Ryu- Hadoken!!

BoB- both miss

NWD- veyr good ryu.. how about this

BoB- dave rols forward and executes a jumping rana from the ground.

Ryu- ha! that’s your best?

boB- Ryu nails dave in the jaw with a powerful uppercut!

Nwd- very well then..

boB- he tagged lina in who… uhh

Lina- Darkness from twilight, crimson from blood that flows… Buried in the flow of time… in thy great name,

Ralph- uhh we better cut to a commerical now>.

BoB- evacutae immideatly Lina- I pledge myself to darkness! Those who oppose us shall be destroyed by the power you and I possess! DRAGU SLAVE!!!

boB- it missed and hit a turnbuckel but it doesn’t matter cause it’s the dragonslave!!! ohh no!!! it’s gonna do quite a bit of damage here!!!

Ralph- and it doe nwd, ryu shayla and zel are out cold!!

Lina- uhh woops.. sorry guys a little overkill.

winner- Lina and NWD

Xiahau nd Ukyo v. Erlos and Guyver

BoB- It’s time for our next match in the semifinals of the Lethal Lottery tournament.
Ralph- Or the quarter finals, depending on how you look at it.

BoB- That’s right. The winners of the two tag-team matches today will face off in the finals of the tag-team portion of the tournament. The winning team will split and face each other to determine the winner of the title, World Champion.

Ralph- Excellent overview, BoB. Anyway, Xiahau and Ukyo are here, facing Erlos and Guyver.

BoB- Erlos and Guyver are coming to their end of the ring. And they get a great reaction from the crowd! Now Ukyo and Xiahau enter from the other end of the building, and also get quite a reaction! It’s tough to know who the crowd favors here, although we know who Ralph favors.

Ralph- Damn right, BoB. I–

(BoB discreetly disconnects Ralph’s headset.)

Ralph (faintly)- … go …. my u-chan… those… %#^…

BoB- Well, that’s odd… Xiahau’s namesake staff is nowhere in sight. It seems that he’ll be fighting without it, and actually squares up first against Erlos.

(Ding!)

BoB- Erlos clenches a fist and spreads his fingers, shooting five beams of light at Xiahau. The staffless Blue Staff tries to move away, but is caught in the shimmering magical tendrils! And it seems that Erlos is having a few words with Xiahau. Shouldn’t he be finishing him off?

Erlos- The time will come soon enough that you will regret what you have been doing. You have no idea what great danger you are risking.

BoB- Xiahau doesn’t respond to Erlos. Whether or not he wants to speak but can’t, because of the spell, is difficult to say. Erlos quiets and sends a kick to finish Xiahau… who dodges out of the way and counters with an elbow just beneath Erlos’ chrome mask! Xiahau must have been feigning helplessness there even after Erlos’ spell wore off! And now Erlos is in trouble, getting knocked back by fist and foot of Xiahau! Erlos falls back at his corner and is tagged by Guyver, his partner!

(Ralph returns to the air.)

Ralph- Damn you, BoB! What the #*%!$ do you think you’re doing?

BoB- Guyver enters the ring. Guyver and Xiahau faught in a battle during the first tournament, which Guyver barely won. Xiahau tries to continue where he left off with Erlos, delivering blows to Guyver’s face and body… but they do little damage to the Guyver’s armor. Guyver strikes Xiahau back and readies his vibro-blades! Xiahau evades Guyver, who follows him all about the ring, and even hits him back… but without his weapon, Xiahau doesn’t seem to phase Guyver in the least. Now Xiahau reaches his corner and is tagged by Ukyo, who steps into the ring!

Ralph- BE CAREFUL OUT THERE!! MY LOVE I–

(Click.)

Ralph (faintly)- — behind you…

BoB- Ukyo uses the ropes and her huge spatula to vault over the approaching Guyver and reach the center of the ring. Erlos is doing something outside the ring… a great ball of light is forming in his hands. Back inside, Guyver is tripped by Ukyo, but regains his footing quickly! Guyver lashes at Ukyo with his vibro blades, but Ukyo backs away! Guyver continues and Ukyo attempts to block the weapons… which slice her weapon in two at the handle! Ukyo lifts the piece of her spatula that includes the actual metal… Guyver comes after her again and Erlos releases a huge glowing projectile from the other direction! This looks like doom for everyone’s favorite spatula girl! Erlos’ ball strikes her metal spatula and deflects towards Guyver! The Guyver is enveloped in white light and falls to the ground, unconscious!

Ralph (faintly)- ‘amn right… the… som-… big… my… bab-… ouch… an-… oats….

BoB- Erlos enters, and you can be sure he won’t make the same mistake twice! Xiahau is back at the other side! Erlos spins once and a grey whirlwind forms around him! It travels to Xiahau and pushes him towards Ukyo! The magic wind presses the two against the ropes, and it looks like Erlos can actually finish them off! Erlos emits a red beam that hits Xiahau, who crumples to the floor, but not before a pair of tiny spatulas hit Erlos on the arm and leg! His concentration is lost and Ukyo is free from the whirlwind! Ukyo rushes at Erlos, ducks a high, sweeping kick, and hits Erlos in the back of the head with the broadside of her shortened but huge spatula! And Erlos is down! That must have hurt! Erlos struggles, but Ukyo keeps him down for the count! And Xiahau and Ukyo will advance to the finals of the team fights in the tournament! What a fight!

(Click.)

Ralph – …–WHICH IS WHY I LOVE YOU!!

Winners: Xiahau and Ukyo

Crimson Wolf v. FAI

BoB- All right everyone, here’s a fight that I have been waiting for. It is Fireball and Ice man of FireAnIce, the new phenom tag team, vs. Crimson Wolf, consisting of Beowulf, and Spawn.
Ralph- You know Bob, I would like to lean towards FireAnIce, however Beowulf and Spawn are two extremely tough fighters, and not to mention very experienced.

BoB- That’s right Ralph, FireAnIce are a great tag team, however I do think that this may be probably one of their toughest fights yet. And speak of the Devil here come FireAnIce!!!!

(FireAnIce enter down the isle way, and Ice man enters the ring as the crowd cheers them on)

BoB- they sure do look ready for this fight Ralph, and now here comes Beowulf and Spawn, Crimson Wolf!!!!!!!!

(Crowd cheers, and Spawn is the first to enter the ring)

Ralph- And w are just moments away from the opening bell here as Ice man, and Spawn prepare to fight.

(Ding!)

BoB- And there’s the bell! Spawn shoots several chains at Ice man who dodges them by flipping to the left and out of the way. Spawn tries to entangle Ice man, but Ice man charges Spawn and knocks him over with a clothes line! Spawn quickly gets up and Grabs Ice man by the neck, but he is knocked back now with an over hand punch from Ice man! Ice man picks up Spawn and throws him into the corner! He charges at Spawn and leaps to kick him in the face with a flying kick! Ice man grabs Spawn and unloads several overhand punches! Ice man rolls back and pulls Spawn over him and flips him back!

Ralph- But Spawn gets up, and now charges at Ice man! Spawn throws a right and then a left but both are ducked! Ice man grabs Spawn, but Spawn places Ice man in a head-lock! And brings him to the ground! Ice man desperately tries to push Spawn off of him but can not break Spawns death lock! Spawn wraps several chains around Ice man, as he keeps him in the head-lock, and Ice man is totally subdued right now and can not escape the clutches of Spawn!

BoB- This is an interesting situation here, the fight is at a stand still as Ice man can not move, and Spawn does not want to let go of Ice man. This could get a little old here.

Ralph- Spawn flings a free chain over to the turn buckle and wraps it around it! And it appears as if Spawn, while holding on to Ice man is pulling himself over to the corner, where Beowulf is to make the tag!

BoB- He is! And Spawn has pulled himself just close enough to the edge of the ring to tag Beowulf, who now enters! Beowulf kicks Ice man in the side, and now draws his war hammer! Spawn releases Ice man and steps over to the side of the ring! Beowulf picks up Ice man and now throws him into the turn buckle! Ice man raises his arms to defend his head from the charging Beowulf who Smashes into him with his shoulder! Beowulf hits Ice man on the top of the head with the butt of his hammer, and whirls it around and smashes at Ice man’s head but only hit his shoulder!!!

Ralph- Head or shoulder, the blow by the large war hammer sends Ice man to his knees! As Beowulf throws several kicks to the stomach and chest of Ice man, who appears to be totally helpless right now!

(Charleston being followed by Lenny walks along the side of the ring where Ice man and Beowulf are)

BoB- Beowulf throws two more strikes with his hammer to the head of Ice man, neither landing well though, both only graze the injured fighter!

Charleston- Whtin’ teh ell is at?!? Lenny! Han me de broom.

(The goat with glasses stares at him)

Charleston- Damn ya Lenny! I g’t it en!

(Charleston reaches the mop into the ring trying to sweep something up and accidentally trips Beowulf)

Ralph- And the janitor trips Beowulf with a broom!

BoB- Oh my God! That is the second time that Charleston, the good UCTF Janitor has affected Beowulf in the ring!

Ralph- And Ice man dives over to the side of the ring and tags Fireball!

BoB- Fireball leaps up onto the ring and hurls a large fireball at Beowulf who has since gotten up! And now Beowulf is on the canvas, and he looks badly hurt from that blast of flames!

Charleston- Eh, screw it… Come on Lenny, l’ts sit down. (Charleston and Lenny go and take their seats)

BoB- Fireball, now charges at the burnt Beowulf and kicks him in the side! Fireball picks him up, punches him in the stomach, and throws him over into the turnbuckle across from where Spawn is! Fireball leaps at Beowulf and hits him in the head with a knee kick! Fireball grabs him, and throws a stiff leg kick to the chin, and down goes Beowulf!

Ralph- Beowulf is unable to tag Spawn, and he is knocked out cold! It is all over for this fight folks!

BoB- It sure is Ralph, and FireAnIce have pulled off another victory to add to their flawless record! Actually though, they have been beaten separately but as a team they are undefeated!

(Ice man steps into the ring to congratulate Fireball, who has his hands in the air. Fireball takes the mic.)

Fireball- How’s everybody doin tonight!

(Crowd explodes)

Fireball- Hey Hystalin! There’s your motivation to fight us next Wednesday night! (Points to Beowulf, who has just been helped to a sitting position by Spawn) You’re Next Black Bitches!!!! HahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!! Damn, I’m starting to sound like Naga now…

BoB- And some very loaded words by Fireball to Hystalin, as a parting note there. Let’s now move on to our next fight, Tessai, vs. Dark Schneider, in his debut fight in the UCTF.

Winner- FireAnIce

Happosai v. Hystalin

BoB- And now it’s time for the much anticipated fight between Hystalin the Black Paladin and Happosai, the Lecherous Old Guy.
Ralph- Since his introduction to the UCTF, Happosai has wasted no time in establishing himself as a lecherous old guy. This will be his first fight.

BoB- Although Hystalin hasn’t been around as some of the fighters we see tonight, she has the edge in experience here. Of course, we don’t really know what Happosai has done before coming here.

Ralph- I think we might be better off not knowing, BoB.

BoB- That’s a good point, Ralph. In any case, Hystalin has already entered the ring. Ralph, why is she wearing a huge Eskimo coat?

Ralph- Good question, BoB. It’s pretty warm in here. But I think it’s a tactic to turn off Happosai.

BoB- Turn off Happosai?

Ralph- Yeah.

BoB- There’s no sign of him anywh– wait! Look at that, in the eastern portion of the crowd! A small old man is hopping through the audience, carrying a bag overflowing with… hmm… female intimates.

Ralph- That must be Happosai. He recieves a mixed reaction from the crowd, especially from those strange few who find a pair of stray panties falling into their laps.

BoB- Happosai has made it to the ring. He sets aside his bag and eyes Hystalin. I don’t think he’s happy about the coat idea.

Ralph- I think we’re ready to begin.

(Ding!)

Ralph- Happosai raises his arms and begins to glow a creepy red color!

BoB- Egads, he is! And the red aura spreads to encompass the ring. I think it’s some sort of heat wave, Ralph. Happosai is already sweating.

Ralph- And this certainly doesn’t bode well for Hystalin in the huge coat.

Hystalin- Al… damn, it’s hot… Alexandr, esper, come to me and give your aid!

BoB- Hystalin is chanting something in her corner and… whoah, look at that!

(Alexandr appears in the ring with a puff of smoke.)

Ralph- It’s a crazy robot thing!

Alexandr- Hello Hystalin. What do you desire of me?

BoB- And while the robot thing speaks with Hystalin, Happosai leaps foreward and strikes it in the back! The excess heat surrounding Happosai is sent into the robot, which begins to steam and crackle!

Ralph- Out of the steam, the esper has vanished back to… I dunno… esperville or someplace.

BoB- But Happosai has stopped increasing the heat. Not that Hystalin will be able to take much more of what’s already there… we can feel it getting warmer up here.

Ralph- Hystalin, undaunted, begins to chant again.

BoB- And a glimmering portal opens at one empty corner of the ring. Water sprays and floods through it into the ring, followed quickly by a whale-fish thing!

Ralph- I think it’s Bismark.

BoB- Bismark drenches Hystalin in refreshing water just as she was about to faint, I think. Bismark waves a fin and sends another great wave that pushes Happosai out of the ring!

Ralph- Happosai struggles and leaps foreward, but is kept out of the ring by another wave of water!

BoB- Happosai makes one more attempt to return… but it’s too late! Happosai is out of the ring for the ten-count, and Hystalin has won!

Ralph- And the closest fans all around must be having an interesting time. They’re all drenched too!

Winner: Hystalin

Dark Schnieder v. tessai

BoB- Now, this should be a good fight, it is Dark Schneider’s debut fight against the powerful Tessai.
Ralph- It should be interesting to see how this fight turns out, because I know that Dark Schneider is very strong, however he is up against a lethal opponent, especially for his first fight.

BoB- That’s right Ralph, I suppose we will just have to wait and see how it turns out.

Ralph- That’s right, and here comes one of our fighters now! It is Tessai, as everyone can easily see due to his enormous size. Tessai enters the ring, and now here comes Dark Schneider!

(Crowd erupts!)

BoB- And listen to that crowd! They are pumped for Dark Schneider’s first fight here in the grand UCTF arena!

Ralph- And Tessai does not wait for the bell! He immediately charges at Dark Schneider who dodges out of the way with no problem!

BoB- Dark Schneider materializes a large burst of energy in his hands and hurls it at Tessai! Tessai is sent back to the ropes, and goes down! This could be it everyone!

Ralph- No wait! Tessai gets up and throws his double bladed sword at Dark Schneider! Dark Schneider leaps over the blade easily and throws another blast at Tessai! This time sending him out of the ring and on to the floor!

Tessai- Ha! I figured that you may have powers that could harm my skin of rock, but I thought of that and came prepared!

Dark Schneider- You? Prepared for me? Don’t make me laugh!

Tessai- But I am. I know for a fact that the kiss of a virgin will turn you into a little boy.

Dark Schneider- Yeah so?

Tessai- SO! I hired a psychic who is magically controlling the mind of one of the women in the UCTF, and she will kiss you and turn you into a little boy! HAHAHAHAHAAAA!

BoB- And Hystalin has entered the ring! She is approaching Dark Schneider, and looks to be in some sort of a trance or something?

(Hystalin kisses Dark Schneider)

Dark Schneider- What?!?!?! Noooooooooooooooooooo!!!!!!!!!!!!

(Nothing happens, everyone stares in realization that—)

Beowulf- HAHA! Doesn’t work does it bucky!!!!!!!

Tessai- Huh? NO! I thought that….. I… isn’t…. I mean…. DAMN YOU BEOWULF!!!!

Dark Schneider- Hehe..

(Dark Schneider throws another blast at Tessai)

BoB- And this one’s all over. Tessai was counted out like an hour ago, but it doesn’t really matter, because he is out cold now.

Ralph- All right, let’s move on now. Next we have our Intergalactic Champion, Shayla Shayla, teamed up with an unlikely partner. Devilman, the Interplanetary Champion, against two mystery opponents.

BoB- Thanks Ralph..

Winner- Dark Schneider

Shayla Shayla and Devilman v. ???????

boB- shayla Shayla has recoverd from the draongslave incident and is making her way into the ring with NWD by her side. Devilman is right behind her.. thy look sready for anything.
ralph- and the need to be.. many people speculate that Nellos is one of the two mystery people..

BoB- some say it’s the fear guy

Ralph- but only time will tell

BoB- here comes two dark robed figures these muct be the mystery people

ralph- good morning mr obvious

BoB-morning…

Ralph- one of the two enters the ring with Devilman… figure one- let’s go!!

boB- that was a woman’s voice!!

devilman- I uhh.. RIGHT!!

boB- he lunges at the figure who dodges and immediatly turns around. Devilman attacks again and the figure dodges

figure- HAHAHAHA you’ll never get me!!

Ralph- she just tagged in the other figure.

Figure two- soon you will see that I will RULE THE WORLD!!!

devilman- another megalomaniac huh?

Shayla- OHH LET ME FIGHT LET ME FIGHT!!

devilman- ok (he tags her in) Figure two- a woman huh? very well.. FIRE!!

A small rock comes hirtling out of the sky and hits figure two in the head, the robe comes off it’s THE BRAIN!!

Brain- PINKY YOU IDIOT!! you were supposed to aim at her!!

Pinky- but she’s looks so nice i would never hit apretty lady NARF!!

Figure one- enough of this!!! (she removes her hood)

BoB- It’s Kisaragi Shun!!

ralph- She’s pretty hot!!

Shun- WHAT!?! I’m not a girl!!! I’m a guy.

Shayla- you’re a guy?!? ha hahahHAHAH you don’t look like a guy.. you look like a girl!!

devilman- yeh!!

Shun- what are you talkinga about.. how can i be a girl and go to an all guys school!?!

Shayla- beats me… maybe you got them to beilieve that you’re a freak of nature

BoB- Kisaragi Shun bursts not tears and runs away

ralph- if you can’t take the fire…

Brain- great my plans foiled again!!! You two will pay

devilman- ok little mouse.. you go run off and eat some cheese.

Brain- grrr…

winner: shayla shayla and devilman