Obama vs. Palin
Obama: 8 – 61.54%
Palin: 5 – 38.46%

Sandra Bullock vs. Jessie James
Bullock: 6 – 50%
James: 6 – 50%

Elizabeth Edwards vs. Reille Hunter
Elizabeth Edwards: 7 – 53.85%
Reille Hunter: 6 – 46.15%

Buffy/Angel vs. Bella/Edward
Buffy and Angel: 11 – 91.67%
Bella and Edward: 1 – 8.33%

Homer Simpson vs. Donna Simpson
Homer: 10 – 83.33%
Donna: 2 – 16.67%

Christian Weston Chandler vs. Kunoi Ishigami
CWC: 7 – 58.33%
Kunoi Ishigami: 5 – 41.67%

X-23 vs. Edward Scissorhands
X-23: 7 – 58.33%
Edward Scissorhands: 5 – 41.67%

Pill Eating Contest
Heath Ledger: 6 – 50%
Brittney Murphy: 3 – 25%
Corey Haim: 3 – 25%

Tiger Woods’ Mistress Rumble
Mindy Lawson: 3 – 25%
Holly Sampson: 3 – 25%
Jamie Jungers: 2 – 16.67%
Joslyn James: 2 – 16.67%
Rachel Uchitel: 1 – 8.33%
Cori Rist: 1 – 8.33%
Jaime Grubbs: 0 – 0%
Kalika Moquin: 0 – 0%

Celebrity Apprentice
La Blue Girls: 8 – 66.67%
Boyfriends’ Club: 4 – 33.33%

Cyberslam:

Xamot vs. Crucifix

Sasa Dark Appreciation Match: Weaponmaster Championship Invitational
Inuyasha (c)
Blu De’Ragnarok
Bryan Amethyst
Marcella Grace
Taki
Ed The Janitor
Gideon
Maria De La Sombra
Raven Darc
Eblis Nickleheart Drakar

UCTF Grand Championship
(Special Guest Referee: Suicide)
Kunoi vs. X-23

UCTF Tag Team #1 Contender’s Match
Dimitri & Lo-Ruhamah vs. Eblis Drakar & Rosinthorn

UCTF Tag Team Championship
Dead Silence vs. Winner

UCTF Grand Championship
Inuyasha vs. Winner (Kunoi vs. X-23)

Bob: Coming to you live from the UCTF Arena in Anime City, I am Robert Hinden, along-side everyone’s favorite hentai commentator, Ralph Gerrard to call another great episode of exciting UCTF action!
Ralph: yep…
Bob: Tonight, an epic feud will FINALLY… FINALLY come to an end, as Inuyasha will defend the UCTF Intergalactic Championship against Raven Darc in our main event! Also, Marcella will take on Rosinthorn in action. Blu De’Ragnarok will attempt to halt newbie Eblis Drakar’s momentum, and— seriously Ralph. O_o What’s wrong with you NOW?
Ralph: Look who’s in the ring already… AGAIN.

*Bob turns from his broadcast partner to see that Ric Austin is already inside the squared circle and one again, armed with a damn microphone!*

Bob: REALLY?! This is getting damned ridiculous!

Ric: Alright. e_e look—

Crowd: BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!

*Ric tries to ignore the violent jeering from the crowd…*

Ric: I stubbed my toe last time in my match against Drakar. I get it. But that was a fluke. Tonight I’m going to prove myself, as the TXA TOURNAMENT CHAMPION by defeating the biggest dog in the yard. That’s right. I PERSONALLY challenged Xamot! Xamot, get your big zombie ass out here and let’s do this! You’re going to be my stepping stone to main eventing an episode of UCTF MASS—

*The Jobber’s speech is cut short by the instant darkening of the arena, a split second before “Forever Torment” begins to play over the massive UCTF sound system. Austin has his wish, as Xamot leads a spotlight down the aisle and towards the ring.*

Bob: And here comes Xamot, to answer the challenge of Ric Austin.
Ralph: I don’t know what’s wrong with this guy, but every week he becomes more and more erratic. I think he’s starting to come down with dementia or something.
Bob: Perhaps…

Arzie: Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to UCTF Massacre! The following is our opening contest. Introducing first, already inside the ring, RIIICC AUSTIN!!! And his opponent, making his way down the aisle, hailing from the bamboo forests of Japan… He is the Legendary Demon of the UCTF… XAAAAMOOTTTTT!!!

*Using every bit of strength he has and with the aid of the top rope, Ric slingshots his wide body over the top rope, successfully crash landing on top of Xamot’s body!*

Everyone: O_O!

Bob: Sneak attack by Ric!
Ralph: That will come back to bite him on the ass. Trust me. e_e

*Never the less, Ric Austin has a jump on the demon as the sound of the bell rings, officially starting the match up!*

!!DING DING DING!!

Ric Austin vs. Xamot

*Determined to receive an amount of respect he feels he’s earned from the UCTF Crowd (I mean, this guy is pure, straight up human and has survived in the UCTF for years… I’d say he’s earned it) he launches a furious attack on the Legendary Demon of the UCTF! He rains down a string of punches to the skull that, unfortunately for Ric Austin, bare ZERO effect on the monster!*

Xamot: e_e

Ric: OH SH—

*Austin quickly aborts his attack and rolls off of Xamot in a half-assed attempt to escape. His wrestling worn body is way too slow, however, as he’s quickly snatched from behind. Now palming the jobber’s masked skull like a Lebron James holding a basketball, Xamot torpedoes the poor bastard across the floor and into the steps at the corner of the ring! The steps take off like a football player being caught flatfooted and crash into the fan’s guardrail with Ric Austin right behind it!*

Bob: JESUS!
Ralph: I told you.

*What’s more amazing than the impressive throw is the fact that Ric is almost immediately back to his feet. No one knows if it’s from pure toughness, drugs, or from years of being dumped on his head, but it’s enough to allow Ric Austin time to slide inside the ring and gain the higher ground on Xamot, who’s still yet to climb into the squared circle!*

Ralph: That mask must have some hella padding in it.
Bob: Or he’s just running on fumes. I’ve never seen anyone hit the stairs like that head first!

*Ric however, proves Bob wrong, displaying an immense presence of mind. Just as Xamot begins to climb onto the apron, Ric barrels forward, hitting a dropkick through the middle rope that connects with the demon’s mid-section! Xamot doubles over and flies several feet from the ring and onto the cold concrete below!*

Bob: Another big shot by Ric Austin!
Ralph: wait for it…

*Xamot absorbs the kick! Upon impact with the ground below, he rolls backward and to his feet in a single motion! He resumes stalking his prey by reclimbing the apron, while Ric Austin hits the opposing ropes, gaining speed like a locomotive!*

Bob: Here comes Ric again!

*The Enhancer dives once more for the drop kick, and this time, XAMOT catches his feet!*

Ric: O_O

*The crowd collectively groans as they know what is next to come for the poor Jobber! Xamot pulls the rotund masked wrestler out of the ring by his legs, and quickly locks on a goozle around his neck!*

Bob: Oh, this is not good!
Ralph: I told you to wait for it!

*Xamot climbs to the apron, then slowly climbs to the top rope! The entire time, his hold around the neck of the jobber tightens!*

Bob: This is not looking well for Ric Austin!
Ralph: He’s going to need to worry about re-learning how to walk soon. Forget about main eventing a UCTF Massacre show.

*Xamot then transforms into FULL demon capacity, taking to the sky, while choking the life out of Ric Austin!*

Bob: The top rope wasn’t enough! He’s taking Ric to the cheap seats!

*Seconds later, Xamot crash-lands in the center of the ring, delivering a devastating, thunderous “Demon Slam” in the center of the ring! The velocity causes the ring to buckle before it implodes upon itself. Austin is involved by the collapsing canvas while cables snap and the ropes fall apart. The poles supporting the ring all fall forward, creating an “X” in the center of the ring, making a make-shift marker for Ric Austin’s burial site!*

Bob: CHOKESLAM! EPIC CHOKESLAM!
Ralph: Nothing starts off UCTF competition like a massive Ric Austin ass beating. That was incredible.

*The referee, who managed to dive out of the ring signals for the bell, as it would be an insult to everyone’s intelligence to make the count.*

!!DING DING DING!!

Bob: And with one move, Xamot has defeated Ric Austin in UCTF competition! What a way to start off tonight’s broadcast!

Winner: Xamot

*Backstage, the one-time President of the UCTF, Jeice, finds himself cleaning the floors of the men’s bathroom in the Grand Arena.*

Jeice: ;_; Don’t call my name, don’t call my name, Alejandro, I’m not your babe, I’m not your babe, Fernando—

*The door kicks open, revealing the “Benefactor” of the UCTF and his personal assistant, Reiji!*

Sasa: Hey, asshole. >=| Where is Inuyasha? There’s some Japanese bitch from Japan who keeps calling. I’m getting tired of it.

Jeice: How the hell am I supposed to know?

Sasa: Word on the street is that you two have been hanging out a lot lately.

Reiji: e_e Caw.

Jeice: That’s none of your business. Go find him on your own mate. I’m workin’ here.

Sasa: Yeah, and you’re doing a shitty job of it. e_e Reiji.

*Reiji promptly, as if it were rehearsed, pulls out his manhood and takes what has to be the longest piss in the history of mankind right there on the floor!*

Jeice: Oh God… now THAT’S not going to sit well with the FCC.

Sasa: You missed a spot. e_e Oh, and if you see the mutt anywhere around here, tell him some slut named Kagome keeps calling talking about a “New Moon” and if she keeps wasting out long distance minutes, I’ll be forced to take it out of his paycheck.

*Sasa leaves, while Reiji spits on the floor before following him.*

Jeice: Wow.. that guy has a strong bladder…

*Back in the main arena, the fighting ring has been magically restored thanks to the work of the best ring crew in the business! Arzie stands in the center of the squared circle…*

Arzie: Ladies and Gentlemen, the following contest is scheduled for one fall… Introducing first, hailing form Hellunia, and wielding the claymore known as the Blade of Corruption… he is known as EBLIS NICKLEHEART DRAKARRRR!!!

*Eblis makes his way down the aisle, preparing to take the next step in UCTF competition!*

Bob: Eblis debuted with an impressive victory over Ric Austin last time, and tonight, he will be facing the Blue Mage.
Ralph: The second match up matter in the UCTF. It’s real easy to steamroll some loser like Ric Austin, but in the next match you have to step up your game and fight someone who can actually defend themselves. Let’s see what happens.

*Once Eblis enters the ring, “Eternal Gravestones” begins to play. Blu De-Ragnarok makes his way down the aisle, determined to avenge his heartbreaking loss to Dimitri on our previous episode.*

Arzie: And introducing his opponent… hailing from Aht Urhgan, he wields the dual blades known as Tizona and Beast Slayer… He is known as the Blue Mage…. Welcomeeee BLU DE’RAGNAROK!!!!

*The crowd gives it up for Blu as he steps inside the squared circle as well. Arzie retreats as our match between the two young up and comers in the UCTF prepare to do battle.*

Bob: Alright! Let’s get this match underway!

!!DING DING DING!!

Eblis Drakar vs. Blu De’Ragnarok

*Blu aggressively attacks following the sound of the bell towards Drakar, darts out of the Blue Mages path with such intense speed that for a moment it seems that he vanishes! His image reappears to the side of the off balance Mage, punishing Blu’s speed with a lightning fast punch to the side of the head, following a strike to the back with the flat of his claymore. The quick combination of attacks sends the Mage off his feet, crash landing face first on the canvas. That’s when the camera gets a few of the Mage’s back, as two strange and ominous marks remain from the strike point.*

Bob: Blu rushes in blindly and gets quickly dealt with!
Ralph: And it looks like Eblis left some sort of tattoo where he attacked. Don’t you have to sign a waiver before you agree to a tattoo?!
Bob: not in the UCTF!

*Just as the Mage rolls to his back, Drakar pounces, bringing the claymore down in a chopping motion! Blu, with both blades crisscrossed, blocks the blade. Driving his foot into the mid-section of his opponent, De’Ragnarok performs a makeshift monkey-flip with the aid of his weapons, sending Eblis crash-landing chin first into the canvas behind him. Both warriors quickly leap back to their feet simultaneously into their respective fighting stances, at a stalemate.*

Bob: Neither man want to let the other gain the upperhand this early in the contest.
Ralph: A lot is riding on this contest, Bob. Whoever wins gains momentum that could propel them closer to the Weaponmaster Championship.

*Now becoming the aggressor, Eblis charges towards Blu, swinging the five foot long Claymore around like it’s nothing more than a paperweight! Blu ducks the big decapitating strike, reacting with four quick slashes of his own! Eblis parries away every single attack with his weapon, following through with a big kick that sends De’Ragnarok into the ropes. Blu rebounds, using the momentum given to him by the ring ropes and strikes back; three more incredibly fast slashes of Blu’s two blades are batted away before the Mage falls victim to the hilt of Drakar’s claymore to the bridge of the nose! As Blu hits the canvas once more, the camera reveals more markings on his body, thanks to each strike he received in their quick exchange. Blu responds by performing a quick sweep to Eblis’ body, knocking the big man down to size! Both performers leap to their feet at the same time, creating another stalemate! *

Ralph: Looks like Blu just can’t match speed for speed with Eblis!
Bob: Eblis is dangerously fast on his feet for a man at his height, indeed. Blu gives away thirty pounds and 7 inches to his opponent.
Ralph: Right, and I have a bad feeling for those little marks that keep accumulating with each attack from the big guy.

*Retreating to the corner of the ring, Blu De’Ragnarok quickly casts a spell known as “Azure Learning” which will aid the Blue Mage in quickly learning his opponents fighting style.*

Ralph: Oh here we go with this magic bullshit. You know I tried to sit down and read this guy’s abilities the other day and he had like 3000 different spells to choose from. I gave up after 30 minutes.
Bob: He does have a large catalog of abilities Ralph! It makes it that much more difficult for his opponent to figure out what kind of attack he’s going to hit them with!

*The warriors charge each other once more! This time, with the aid of his technique, Blu begins to dodge every strike that Eblis can throw at him!*

Bob: Whatever Blu did, it seems to be working! Eblis can’t hit him!
Ralph: I’m not only calling bullshit, but I’m calling CHEATING!
Bob: How can you do that with no rules?!
Ralph: EASILY. BULLSHIT! YOU’RE CHEATING, ASSHOLE!

*Blu leaps over a BIG slash and punishes with four charging strikes into Eblis!*

Bob: Vorpal Blade by De’Ragnarok!

*Charging one of the blades with pyro energy, Blu strikes Eblis down with another powerful strike!*

Bob: Red Lotus Blade by De’Ragnarok!

*Blu leaps into the air, driving the hilt of his blade right into Eblis’s skull! This brings Drakar down to his knees, easy prey for Blu’s next technique! Filling his blade with pure light energy, he delivers a slash that knocks Drakar clear across the ring!*

Bob: And he finishes with the Seraph Blade! Drakar is in big trouble now!
Ralph: Big trouble? It should be over after that blitzkrieg of attacks!

*Eblis slowly climbs to his knees, and is sporting a twisted grin on his face. And after a prompt ass beating that he just received, the crowd is understandably confused as to why he’s smiling. That is when Drakar begins an unintelligible chant of an ancient language that seems harmless at first, until the dark markings left on Blu’s body begins to spread and gather into a void like encasing of pure darkness!*

Blu: ?!

Ralph: I knew those tattoos were bad business! What’s about to happen?!
Bob: Hell if I know!

*Eblis uses “Now you’re Just like Me” a technique that corrupts his opponents very soul! Blu falls to the canvas in the fetal position, trying to stop Eblis’s invasion inside of his body. This allows Drakar to recover and unleash a flurry of lightning fast strikes!*

Bob: Eblis has turned this match around dramatically in a matter of seconds!
Ralph: I knew those marks were doing something! e_e
Bob: WE KNOW!

*Now with his clothes torn to shreds… and his body riddled with cuts throughout, Blu remains only slightly conscious on one knee, a fish in a barrel for Eblis, who stands above him, preparing to finish him off!*

Bob: This looks to be the end!

*The moment he lifts his blade into the air, Blu summons his spell, “Light of Penance” that engulfs his body and physically blocks Drakar’s attack seconds before it connects!*

Eblis: O_O

Everyone: O_O

Ralph: He’s like an iPhone, but instead of apps, he’s got a spell for that!

*Using “Azure Lore” to beef up all of his power, Blu puts it all into one final, massive uppercut that lands right on the chin of Drakar! The strike knocks the poor bastard off of his feet, sending him clear over the top rope and to the floor below!*

Crowd: OOOOH!!!

Bob: WHAT A STRIKE! JESUS!
Ralph: Reminds me of that episode of Martin when “Hitman” Tommy Hearn knocked Martin literally out of the ring. HEH! I loved that show.

*The referee rushes to Eblis’ aid throwing his hands in front of the dark being’s face as he counts to ten. Drakar cannot respond and the referee quickly calls for the bell!*

!!DING DING DING!!

Bob: And that’ll do it!
Ralph: That was one hell of a punch.
Bob: Blu De’Ragnarok recovers from his small speed bump at the hands of Dimitri last week and resumes his winning ways! Is the Weaponmaster Championship nearing his grasp?!

Winner: Blu De’Ragnarok

*Speaking of the Weaponmaster Championship, the cameras go to the back, as Inuyasha has entered the arena! The double champion has his usual stern look in his eyes, as in only a few moments from now, will face Raven Darc one more time for the Intergalactic Championship!*

Bob: There he is!
Ralph: I spoke to Raven Darc earlier today. He is NOT in a good mood. Hell, he hasn’t been in a good mood ever since he and Inuyasha’s Adamant Barrage crossed paths.

Arzie: Ladies and Gentlemen, the following contest is scheduled for one fall!

*“Super Villain” by Powerman 5000 starts up, bringing down the Negaverse Warrior, Rosinthorn*

Arzie: Introducing first… hailing from the Negaverse, he is the super villain known as ROSINTHORRNNNNNN!!

Bob: Here comes Rosinthorn, who has had his problems with Lo-Ruhamah over the past few weeks…
Ralph: so naturally, Sasa Dark thought it would be funny to put him in a match against Lo-Ruhamah’s significant other.
Bob: Why would you—
Ralph: OH COME ON. EVERYBODY KNOWS THEY’RE DOING IT. Don’t be an idiot, Bob.
Bob: okay o_o

*The magical being climbs into the ring, seconds before “Let Me Be Your Armor” begins to play over the sound system…*

Arzie: and his opponent… she is the disgraced demon huntress… being accompanied to the ring by her demonic Doberman, Clement… she is MARRRCEELLAAAA GRAAACCEEE!!!

Marcella: D:

Ralph: OUCH!
Bob: Arzie pulling no punches with ring announcing duty tonight… But he’s correct, things have been down for Marcella ever since her heartbreaking loss against the Dog Demon, Inuyasha.

*Marcella climbs into the ring, hoping to redeem herself with a win against Rosinthorn!*

Marcella Grace vs. Rosinthorn

Ralph: Uhh.. is it me, or does nun-puppies have a strange look in her eye tonight?
Bob: I haven’t noticed…

!!DING DING DING!!

*And with the sound of the bell, Marcella flings her petite body across the ring towards her opponent!*

Everyone: O_O

Rosinthorn: O_O

!!THUNK!!

*A quick, running clothesline almost takes the unsuspecting Rosinthorn out of his boots!*

Bob: Ok, maybe there IS something different about her tonight! I’ve never seen her act so aggressively so early on!

*Rosinthorn quickly regains his bearings after the surprising clothesline and quickly teleports off of the mat. Less than a second later, dark energy manifests itself behind Marcella, as Rosinthorn reappears. He brings his sword with a quick downward slash in attempt to disembowel the nun, but is surprised by Marcella’s quick read! She blocks the sword strike with her own blade, before delivering a vicious front kick to the chest! Knocked clear out of the sky, Rosinthorn teleports before his body can hit the ground. He reappears once more on the top turnbuckle behind Grace.*

Bob: Quick reaction time there by Grace!
Ralph: Definitely.

*The “Super Villain,” ready to put an end to this fight just as early as his opponent, suddenly conjures his “B.F.G.” a gigantic, even comical like gun that he has pulled from the nether regions of his trench coat. Marcella’s eyes double in size at the sight of the weapon, just before instinctively throwing her body out of the way of several laser blasts emitted from the gargantuan gun!*

Ralph: holy CRAP! Compensating much, Rosinthorn?!

*Marcella leaping out of the past of the beam is exactly what Rosinthorn wanted her to do, as he now explodes across the ring in a blur, yanking his sword from it’s sheath in an instant! However, what he didn’t expect was for Marcella to be equally as fast to unearth her twin DESERT EAGLE pistols! Marcella gets off two shots which are parried away by Rosinthorn’s blade. Fearing being hit, Rosinthorn teleports again, leaving Marcella to dive roll into a crouching position.*

Bob: if you blinked, you may have just missed that exchange!

*Now alone inside the squared-circle, Marcella spins around with her pistols drawn, trying to locate her now missing opponent.*

Ralph: OH SHIT LOOK—

* Unfortunately, she fails to check directly above her! The unsuspecting villain plants a MASSIVE missile drop kick directly to the nun’s face! The momentum of being hit from such a ridiculous height sends Marcella rolling backwards, with her pistols flying out of the ring!*

Bob: What an INCREDIBLE kick from Rosinthorn!

*Much to her credit, Marcella wills herself back to her feet, quickly re-engaging her opponent with a flurry of strikes! Rosinthorn, easily the more polished hand-to-hand fighter effortlessly blocks every strike that the blurred Marcella can throw at him, before quickly putting her into the mat with a stiff strike!*

Ralph: uh oh…
Bob: Marcella started strong, but Rosinthorn has quickly taken control of this match-up! Marcella needs to think quickly before this match gets out of control!

*It may be too late for the nun, as Rosinthorn’s sadistic side begins to shine through… Using his dark-arts, tentacle like limbs emerge from his jacket, wrapping themselves around the leg of the nun! Looking towards the hard camera with a sick smirk, it’s almost as if Thorny is calling out to Lo-Ruhamah before lifting Marcella upside down via tentacle!*

Ralph: Now.. I.. I’ve seen a lot of movies that start out like this.
Bob: Ralph Shutup!
Ralph: I’m just saying.. we might be getting ready to see some vintage 1999 UCTF stuff here.

*Luckily for all of us, Ralph’s pervish suggestion is proven wrong. Rosinthorn slams Marcella into the canvas viciously by the leg, lifts her up, and repeats the motion a second time! The crowd winces with sympathy pains as their forced to watch their beloved heroine jarred into the mat from atleast seven feet up!*

Bob: CHRIST!! She has to be unconscious after those two slams!
Ralph: If not… it looks like Rosie is going for a third…

*Rosinthorn does just that, slamming the petite body of the nun into the canvas as if he’s trying to put her THROUGH it! And he’s one done.. upon the third slam, Rosinthorn sends a jolt of dark energy through his tentacle, rocking the nun with a massive ki blast!*

Bob: A third slam followed by that hellacious blast!! That’s enough Rosinthorn! That’s got to be it!

*Marcella lies motionless, leaving Rosinthorn to casually stroll over to her prone body and placing his foot on her chest. The referee quickly slides into position…*

1… 2… 2.9999999999

*But it’s no good! Grace SOMEHOW kicks out of the pin attempt!*

Ralph: a total lax pin attempt, but it shouldn’t have mattered.. after all that punishment nun-puppies just took… nobody should have been able to get up from that!

*Still completely out of it, Marcella is easy pickings for Rosinthorn, who goozles her before tossing her AIRBORNE!*

Bob: NOT GOOD—

*She lands on his shoulders, upside down and hooked!*

Ralph: OH NO!
Bob: Fall from Grace Driver!

*Preparing to dump Marcella on her head, Rosinthorn is quickly surprised by his opponents ability to wiggle her way out of the Fall From Grace driver, into a school-boy roll up!*

Bob: REVERSED!

*Again, the referee is in PERFECT position for the count!*

1…. 2… 2.9999999999999!!!

*And again, at the last POSSIBLE second, the pinned kicks out of the attempt!*

Ralph: I almost had a heart attack!
Bob: And how ironic would it have been for Marcella to be defeated via the “Fall from Grace” Driver?

*Almost defeated, but sensing victory EVER so close, Rosinthorn grabs Marcella’s leg, which he abused just seconds earlier with his tentacle slams… He wraps his demonic legs around hers in a grapevine type hold before falling backwards!*

Bob: Submission locked by Rosinthorn!! This is bad news for Marcella!
Ralph: I spoke to Rosinthorn earlier.. he calls this the “Pride Breaker” he’s simultaneously trying to break the leg, while sending dark thoughts into the head of his opponent in an attempt to break them… to get them to submit.
Bob: You… spoke to this guy backstage?
Ralph: We were in line at KFC, which is why is was very strange for him to be talking about submission holds to me.

*The pain is almost unbearable for Marcella to withstand! As all hope disintegrates before the audiences eyes, Marcella reaches into her coat, struggling to find something to break the hold. Her prayers are answered in the form of a 28-inch barrel shotgun!*

Rosinthorn: o_o
Marcella: x_e applesauce.

!!BOOOOOOM!!

Crowd: OOOOOOOOOOOHHHHH!

Bob: o_o…
Ralph: …that was a direct shot to the face with a shotgun. Bob, do we still have a rule that we have to use non-lethal ammo here?
Bob: Yes, but at that range Ralph, you could be shooting a box of confetti and it would still hurt like a bitch!

*Rosinthorn is almost completely incapacitated from the blast, allowing Marcella to slide herself out of the tight submission attack. Slowly climbing to her feet, Marcella is greeted by the cheers of the crowd, screaming for her to get up before her much stronger opponent, Rosinthorn does!*

Bob: This is a race to the feet! Who will win?!

*Marcella uses the rest of her strength to dive on top of Rosinthorn! Ralph becomes effectively jealous when she straddles the villain, but not for long, as Grace brandishes both of her semi-automatic weapons from her jacket!*

Ralph: holy crap! Where does she get such wonderful toys?!

!!RATTATTATATAATATTTTAATATTATATTTATATTTAT!!

Bob: BAPTISM IN BLOOD BY MARCELLA! We haven’t seen this in AGES!

*The spray of gunfire render Rosinthorn completely unconscious, with Marcella collapsing on top of the negaverse villain! The referee is right there to make the academic count…*

1……… 2…………. 3!!!!!

!!DING DING DING!!

Bob: And it’s over! Great win for Marcella Grace!
Ralph: That was one hell of a come back… I need to talk to Both of their tailers to see how I can fit a bunch of shit inside my coat like them… Jesus.

Winner: Marcella Grace

*Marcella rolls off of her defeated opponent, while Clement enters the ring, licking his exhausted owner’s face.*

Bob: What a great match to lead into our main event… and folks, it is a DOOZY.
Ralph: Inuyasha and Raven Darc’s feud began many months ago…

*The Jumbotron begins to show footage from back in 2007, the night Inuyasha and Raven Darc first met in a match to determine the UCTF Grand Champion… The Dog Demon and Multiple time Intergalactic Champion traded some of their biggest attacks with The Windscar and the Black Hole Nova Blast, but Inuyasha’s dominance was established when he eliminated Raven Darc with the “Adamant Barrage” in the center of the ring!*

Bob: The rivalry was born that night, and would continue through the months!

February 24th 2008

*Lifting Raven back to his feet by his torn, destroyed shirt, Inuyasha drives the champion HEAD FIRST into the steel pole in the corner!*

Crowd: OOOOOOOOOOOOOHHHH!!

Bob: X_X JESUS!!

*Pulling Raven out, he DRIVES him back into the pole, driven with enough force to SNAP the cables holding the ropes together! The entire ring begins to break down around them!*

Bob: D:!!!!

*Bleeding internally from the mouth and nose, Raven is CLEARLY unconscious! But INUYASHA DOESN’T CARE!*

Ref: O_O INUYASHA, THAT’S ENOUGH!
Inuyasha: >=|!!!!!!!!!!

*Inuyasha flies several feet through the air, driving the demon HEAD FIRST into the center of the ring! Raven folds up like a damn accordion! The referee singals for help, as several more come RUSHING to the ring! Before they manage to enter the ring, Inuyasha FLOORS Raven one final time to the face with a BIG TIME boot to the face!*

Crowd: OOOOOOOOOOOHHHH!!

*They FINALLY separate Inuyasha from the DESTROYED Raven! The referee in charge FINALLY ringing the bell to end the match!*

!!DING DING DING!!

Bob: o_o. oh my God.

Arzie: THE WINNER OF THIS MATCH… AND NEWWWWWWWWWWW UCTF INTERGALACTIC CHAMPION, THE DOG DEMON, INUYASHA!!!

Bob: Amazing, New Intergalactic Champion. And I gotta tell you… I’ve NEVER. EVER seen Raven Darc dominated like he was tonight! I mean… JESUS! You had to know the person to finally come along and end Raven Darc’s title reign would have to be one tough son of a bitch but… …Jesus!

Ralph: Raven Darc’s reign as Intergalactic Champion would end at the hands of the Dog Demon on that night. He swore revenge. Several months later, the two would meet one more time in the finals of the “Only The Strong” tournament…

September 27th 2008
Ultimate Massacre II

Raven: …..
Inuyasha: ADAMANT… BARRAAAAAAGGGGEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

*Tessaiga fires the MASSIVE shards of Adamant towards Raven Darc, who drives the Silver Talon into the remains of the ring.*

Raven: RRRRRRRRAAARRRGGHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!

*A wave of silver energy surrounds Raven, not only blocking the shards of Diamond, but DESTROYING it on contact! The column of surrounding ki extends what seems to be limitlessly! It shoots past the Arena with ease and disappears into the heavens! More and more energy pour into Raven as the demon unleashes a SADISTIC smile on his face! Inuyasha shows, for the very first time in his career.. FEAR. PARALYZING FEAR!*

Inuyasha: …
Raven: …SILVVVVVVVER WAAAAAAAAAAAVVEEEEE!!

*The column is suddenly redirected towards Inuyasha and any poor son of a bitch who’s behind him! Inuyasha attempts to leap out of the way, but it’s useless! He’s engulfed by Raven Darc’s ultimate attack and sent FLYING into the cheap seats!*

Crowd: O____O!!

Bob and Ralph: HOLY FUCKING SHIT!!!!!!!!!

*Inuyasha hits the balcony of the Arena, INSTANTLY destroying it and creating a crater with his own body! Raven falls to his knees… The Talon is long gone, as well as his full demon mode. He lies there, gasping for breath. Glen Sanchos reappears out of no where, trying to figure out what’s going on.*

Glen: R..R… Raven.. You alright?

*Raven slowly stands back to his feet…*

Raven: e_e… g…g..give me my Strong Man Trophy.

Crowd: *POPS* X_X

Bob: Raven HAS DEFEATED INUYASHA AT ULTIMATE MASSACRE!
Ralph: x_x Jesus.

Referee: RING THE BE–

!!THOOOOOOOOOOOOOMMM!!

Everyone: ……

Raven: …………

Ref: …………

Bob: NO-
Ralph: FUCKING WAY!! SERIOUSLY! NO FUCKING WAY!

*Inuyasha shoves a bolder that used to be part of the Arena off of him, several feet above in the cheap seats, The Dog Demon IS STILL CONSCIOUS!*

Raven: R…R…REF!! O_O RING THE BELL MAN. THAT’S HAD TO BE LONGER THAN TEN SECONDS SINCE HE’S BEEN OUT OF THE RING!

*Glen looks around..*

Glen: uhh.. Raven.. o_o Do you see a ring anywhere?

*THERE IS NONE. Both the ref and Raven are in the middle of a fucking Crater!*

Raven: ARRRGGGGGHHH!!

*Raven goes BERSERK! What the FUCK is it going to take to defeat this son of a bitch from Feudal Japan?! Using his reserves, He re-transforms back into his full demon form. He manifests the Steel Talon, as he’s too weak to re-manifest the Silver. With a GIANT leap, he bounds from the crater that used to be the ring to the crater that used to be the cheap seats! He lands RIGHT on Inuyasha! Driving his Steel Talon towards the Hanyou for the killing strike, Raven’s blow is blocked by Tessaiga, that’s in it’s pure, regular sword form!*

Raven: GIVE IT UP! YOU’VE LOST YOU BASTARD! YOU’VE LOST!
Inuyasha: arrghhh..ARRRRAGGGHH!!

*Tessaiga flares up! Inuyasha tries to push Raven off but he’s driven back into the crater HARD!*

Raven: RRRARRRGGHHH!! NO MORE TRICKS! NO MORE SPECIAL TECHNIQUES! YOU’RE DONE.
Inuyasha: n..n..NEVER!!

*The Tessaiga begins to glow a green hue, as scales of a Dragon slowly begin to cover the blade until it’s completely Engulfed!*

Bob: W..what’s going on?!

*Raven’s dark energy begins to POUR from his body, and into the blade of Tessaiga itself!*

Raven: WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?!
Inuyasha: h..heh… D-Dragon Scaled Tessaiga… I’m taking your own Demonic Energy…. AAAAHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!

*Tessaiga sucks Raven’s demonic energy right out of him to the point that Raven REVERTS out of his Full demon form!*

Raven: ARRRGGHGHHHH I’m going to .. Find out the secret to that damn blade!
Inuyasha: NOT TONIGHT!!

*Inuyasha drives his foot into Raven’s chest before pushing him off into the distance!*

Ralph: YOU’VE GOTTA BE KIDDING ME!

Inuyasha: KAZZZZZZZZZZEEEEEEEE NOOOOO KIIIIIIIIZZZZZZZZUUUUUUUU

*The Dragon Scale powered Wind Scar catches Raven in mid-air, COMPLETELY obliterating him in the process!*

!!!KAAAAAAAAAAATHHHHHHHHHHHHHOOOOOOOOOOOOOMM!!!

Bob: DUCK!!
Ralph: OH FU–

*Raven flies past the Commentators tower before crashing THROUGH the jumbotron!*

Bob: Inuyasha once again defeated Raven Darc and become the #1 contender to the UCTF Grand Championship… However tonight, before he goes on face Kunoi Ishigami for the Grand Championship, he must take on his most loathed enemy once more, for the Intergalactic Championship!
Ralph: Raven Darc has been stewing over his frequent losses to Inuyasha for years now… Tonight, I could see in his eyes, he’s hit Inuyasha with EVERYTHING that he has to regain what he claims is “HIS” championship belt.
Bob: Can they take it to a level even higher than their Ultimate Massacre battle? We’ll find out as Inuyasha will take on Raven Darc NEXT!

Arzie: Ladies and Gentlemen… the following match up is the MAIN EVENT of this evening, and is for the Intergalactic Championship!!!

*”Halo” by Soil kicks up first, creating an instant rumbling throughout the UCTF capacity crowd!*

Arzie: Introducing first… hailing from Hayborn, Scotland… He is the former UCTF Intergalactic Champion.. RAAAVVVEENNNN DARRCCCCC!!!

*The Giant Scotsman walks to the ring with little fanfare, but his eyes show that he is more focused than ever! Once inside the ring, his music subsides, leaving an eerie silence throughout the arena. Tension slowly builds throughout the capacity crowd few a few moments before the horns of “Hanyou” Begins playing. The crowd explodes, as The Dog Demon slowly saunters onto the stage, carrying both the Weaponmaster and Intergalactic Championships on each shoulder.*

Arzie: And his opponent, hailing from the Feudal Era of Japan… He is the simultaneous holder of the Weaponmaster and Intergalactic Championships…. Welcome the Dog Demon… INUUUUYASSSSHAAAA!!!!

Bob: And here comes the champion!
Ralph: He doesn’t look happy, following the beating he received at the hands of Raven Darc last night.
Bob: Indeed.
Ralph: by the way… How are you holding up following that—
Bob: I don’t want to talk about it. e_e My Lawyers are handling it as we speak.

*The Champion makes a slow climb up the stairs, before pacing the apron of the ring. He slowly steps in between the ropes, never taking his eyes off of his opponent.*

Ralph: Both men are inside the ring… make your bets as to how long the actual ring stays intact…

*The belts are soon surrendered, and the referee wisely backs away from the two enemies. Inuyasha takes two steps towards the center of the ring, as well as Raven Darc, until they’re face to face in the center of the squared circle.*

Bob: Here we go! The main event is under-way! Who will leave the arena tonight as the Intergalactic Champion?!

!!DING DING DING!!

UCTF Intergalactic Championship
Raven Darc vs. Inuyasha

*With the match officially under way, the crowd stirs in anticipation as Inuyasha and Raven Darc refuse to make the first move. All that’s happening for the first few moments of the contest are the respective lips moving from both competitors, as the Arena noise drowns out whatever conversation they’re having with each other.*

Ralph: What do you think they’re talking about??
Bob: I don’t know, but whatever it is, I’ll wager that it isn’t very nice.

*A shove from Inuyasha proves Bob’s point, followed by a stinging slap to the face! That’s right. Darc didn’t even respect Inuyasha enough to PUNCH him in the face like a man, instead choosing the option of slapping the taste out of his mouth! The Dog Demon reels from the bitch slap, slowly recoiling in shock!*

Ralph: I don’t like the look in his eye!

*Inuyasha reacts as one would expect, by attempting to shatter Raven’s chin into pieces with a right hand! Raven doesn’t even attempt to block the attack, taking the full brunt of Inuyasha’s strike right on the chin, before blasting the Intergalactic Champion with a right of his own! The crowd pops as a pier six quickly manifests from the two strikes, as now both men are raining down scores of blows upon each other in the center of the ring!*

Bob: It’s begun! The match the fans have been waiting so long to see! Both Half –demons are rocking each other with strikes! Who will buckle from the pain first?!

*The Intergalatic Champion seemingly staggers backwards from a strike, but actually throws himself backwards into the ropes to gain momentum for a haymaker. This proves WAY too obvious, as Raven easily telegraphs the attempt, hitting Inuyasha with a DEEP arm drag that drives him into the mat! However, the Dog Demon is back to his feet damn near faster than Raven Darc, and charges towards the former champion! The accomplished wrestler snatches the Hanyou out of the air with a vicious belly to belly suplex! Inuyasha lands terribly, bouncing off his head and crash landing onto the ropes!*

Ralph: Jesus!

*It’s not enough to keep the bastard down, as he’s damn near instantly back up. Now it’s RAVEN who charges towards his opponent, quickly getting tossed over the top rope and to the floor with a massive back body drop!*

Bob: Raven sent sailing over the top!

*The back body drop sends Darc airborne, but the agile half-demon twists his body quickly in mid-air, landing a perfect ten on the outside of the ring. He doesn’t have time to muse over his athletic ability however, as the second he turns around, his eyes widen at the side of the Intergalactic Champion launching himself over the top rope! Inuyasha’s claws are drawn…*

Inuyasha: Iron Reaver, SOU—

*The Soul Stealer attack is countered by Raven’s “MILLION CHAINS” technique, literally suspending The Dog Demon in midair!*

Bob: Reversal!

*Raven quickly drives Inuyasha face first into the concrete, to a deafening, collective groan from the capacity crowd. After the impressive face plant served to Inuyasha, Raven reels Inuyasha in like a giant bass across the ringside area. The moment the Champion is within arms-reach, Raven locks his arm around Inuyasha’s neck!*

Bob: ENDLESS WALT—NO!

*Inuyasha quickly shifts his center of gravity to block the Endless Waltz, then uses his BRUTE strength to lift Raven right off the ground…*

Ralph: Oh that’s not good!
Bob: I agree! This could be bad news for Raven Darc here!

*Inuyasha charges across the ringside area while carrying Raven Darc over his shoulder like a football tackling dummy. Aiming precisely, Inuyasha RAMS the corner pole of the ring; a direct BULLSEYE on Raven’s wound where his wing once was! At the exact moment, Raven unleashes electricity through his million chains, sending enough voltage through Inuyasha to power a Japanese nuclear facility! Both men nearly black out from the pain, meanwhile, the entire ring SHIFTS a few degrees from the pure force!*

Bob: OH MY GOD!
Ralph: LOL! DID YOU SEE THE STEPS GO FLYING?! DO YOU SEE THE SMOKING COMING OFF OF INUYASHA?! EVEN THE REFEREE IS DOWN FROM THE RING TURNING! THIS IS AWESOME!
Bob: And it’s just starting! What an amazing display by both competitors!

*Both men are back up within seconds, and they resume trading soup bones on the outside of the ring to a massive ovation from the crowd…*

Bob: Neither man backing down an inch!
Ralph: Except Inuyasha’s gaining the upperhand with those heavy handed rights! We’ve learn it’s never a good idea to stand and take punches from the Dog Demon!

*Raven staggers backwards, rocked from several strikes to the face, only to be nailed in the gut with a big kick from the barefooted half-demon! He’s quickly tossed back into the ring, with Inuyasha closely behind him…*

Bob: Inuyasha now in control, he’s stalking his prey!

*Darc slowly rolls to his knees, begging his opponent to show mercy! It’s the oldest trick in the book and Inuyasha falls right for the NUTSHOT! He slowly falls to the canvas while clutching his aching lower extremities, while Raven stands back up, soaking in the jeers from the crowd.*

Bob: Oh Come on! BLATANT low blow there!

*Somewhere in Anime City…*

Bryan: e_e lol. Heel.

*Back in the arena, it is now Raven Darc who’s stalking Inuyasha. Grabbing the half demon by his long silver locks, Raven stuffs Inuyasha’s head between his knees, before lifting him upside down. Darc leaps into the air, hitting his “Downward Spyral” piledriver right in the center of the canvas!*

Bob: HUUUGE piledriver by Raven Darc!

*Wisely, Darc does NOT let up on Inuyasha! Yanking the Hanyou back to his feet, Raven lifts Inuyasha into the same position, before hitting a SECOND Downward Spyral in the center of the ring!*

Bob: THAT’S INCREDIBLE! A SECOND PILEDRIVER! That’s gotta—wait… He’s picking him up AGAIN!?
Ralph: This is Inuyasha, we’re talking about here, Bob.
Bob: Touche… He’s going to make sure Inuyasha stays down this time!

*Raven has Inuyasha upside down once more, and DROPS him with a third leaping piledriver! Inuyasha’s body goes stiff, much like when Ivan “The Urban Action Figure” wiped out on “America’s got Talent” before landing perfectly spread-eagled in the center of the ring! There’s no movement from the champion, but Raven Darc has learned his lesson from the MANY encounters he’s had with Inuyasha. He’s going to the top rope!*

Ralph: Raven looking to put away Inuyasha… Whatever he’s going for on the top rope might do the job!

*The old man dives off the top rope, hitting an impressive senton bomb right across the ribs of Inuyasha! The SECOND he lands from the impact, he rolls over, quickly pinning the Dog Demon!*

Bob: SENTON BOMB! THIS COULD BE IT! HE COVERS!

Ref: 1……

*Inuyasha KICKS OUT AT ONE!*

Everyone: O_O

Ralph: Inuyasha KICKS OUT AT ONE!
Bob: Raven Darc is LIVID! Three Piledrivers and that AMAZING senton from the top and Inuyasha didn’t even have enough respect to kick out at 2.9 seconds!

*Raven slowly stands up from the pin attempt, leaving Inuyasha to quickly crawl to the ropes. As Inuyasha pulls himself to his feet, he mutters soft, inaudible words to Raven Darc…*

Inuyasha: e_e How about we just skip the pleasantries?

*The utter disrespect in the champion’s voice instantly sets off Raven Darc, who’s body EXPLODES with thunderous ki surrounding him! No more game playing, as Raven conjures up his ultimate weapon, his ace card… the Silver Talon!*

!!KRAAAKAATHOOOOOMM!!

*At the exact moment, Inuyasha unsheathes Tessaiga! The blade instantly flares up, and both men rush toward each other!*

Bob: HERE WE G—

*The Commentator’s emphatic words are drowned out by the sound of the colliding ki in the center of the ring. Raven’s black energy and Inuyasha’s demonic energy knock their respective opponents back several steps, giving each competitor room to draw their blades for another attack.*

Inuyasha: KAZE NO KIZU!!
Raven: RRAARRGGHHH!!

*Raven’s Black Lightning Wave meets the Wind Scar, instantly eradicating the ring! The unlucky fans in the first few rows of the Arena are sent packing as blinding light from both attacks fills the arena! Once the enormous dueling kis subside, The Intergalactic Champion and Darc remain standing in the same spot, but now are in a crater of their own creation.*

Ralph: And there goes the ring… again.
Bob: Folks, take note. That wasn’t even their strongest attack!

*The Intergalactic Champion grins at Raven Darc…*

Inuyasha: You’re not nearly as tired as you were the first time you brought out your Silver Talon… I see someone’s been practicing.
Raven: …
Inuyasha: But how many more Kaze no Kizu’s can you handle before you pass out again? I can do ‘em all day, Darc!

*Darc instantly powers up, as Inuyasha lifts Tessaiga over his head one more time!*

Inuyasha: KAZE NO KIZUUUU!!!

*Raven is engulfed by the Windscar, with only his ki to protect him from Inuyasha’s primary attack. He eats the brunt of the blast like a man, while coming up with a strategy of his own…*

Inuyasha: FIGHT BACK! KAAAZEEEE—

*The Dog Demon raises the blade once more, but THIS time, Raven Darc has a surprise waiting for him. Silver Talon’s hilt chain elongates within an instant, driving itself through the concrete that one held the squared circle and back out of the ground, inches behind Inuyasha.*

Inuyasha: WHAT THE—

*The Hilt’s limitless chain wraps completely around Inuyasha, from his feet all the way to his raised arms, wrapping itself around the hilt of Tessaiga! Inuyasha is left defenseless, and wide open for Raven Darc’s next attack.*

Raven: e_e You talk too much. RRAAAAAAGGHHHH!!

*The demon lets out a roaring kiai-shout, sending thousands of volts of electricity through the hilt of Silver Talon into the prone body of Inuyasha! The dog demon screams of agony fill the arena all the way to its brim! Raven leans backwards, winding his blade up like a baseball bat, before unleashing another Black Lightning Wave! Now it is Inuyasha that’s caught head on, and not even the robe of the fire rat can protect the Intergalactic Champion from it!*’

!!KRAAAKKAAATHOOOOMMM!!

Bob: GOOD LORD!
Ralph: INUYASHA’S DOWN!

*Inuyasha lays spread out on the canvas several feet away, barely clutching his blade, but he’s still moving. Raven Darc, who’s now breathing noticeably heavier than before, refuses to allow Inuyasha to get back to his feet!*

Raven: No! NOT THIS TIME YOU BASTARD!

*The monster leaps atleast twenty feet in the air before gravity takes over! Silver Talon is positioned to run right through the Dog Demon and FINALLY put this rivalry to a rest!*

Bob: He’s going to cut right through Inuyasha with that jagged blade!!!

*A SECOND before impact, Inuyasha raises the hilt of Tessaiga, blocking the Silver Talon in mid-air! The crowd lets out a collective exasperated sigh as The Champion monkey flips Raven Darc over his head!*

Ralph: Wow, fast thinking there.
Bob: Inuyasha is a warrior! He has amazing presence of mind at all times!

*The monkey flip may have saved the Dog Demon’s skin, but Raven Darc displays AMAZING agility (for someone of his age) by twisting out of the assault and landing perfectly on his feet. He rushes the Dog Demon who’s has still yet to stand, BLASTING him with Lightning slash that knocks the champion off of the ground!*

Bob: Another stream of electricity sends Inuyasha flying!

*Crashing into the far corner of the ring, Inuyasha fights through the thousands of volts of pain coursing through his body before unleashing a… Smile?*

Bob: Oh no! Even after that assault, Inuyasha is SMILING. That can’t be good news for Raven!

Inuyasha: If that’s all you got old man, then we might as well just go ahead and end this battle right now. ARRRGGHHH!!

*Inuyasha, no longer finding this fight against his biggest rival amusing, finally says it’s OVER. The Tessaiga begins to glow green, while dragon scales begin to grow over the sharp blade!*

Ralph: OH NO!! DRAGON SCALED TESSAIGA!
Bob: Right Ralph! Our champion has unleashed the very move that defeated Raven Darc in their last meeting!

*Raven can FEEL the demonic energy being ripped out of his body. In a final, vain attempt to fight back, Raven throws all of the energy he can muster through the blade and into Inuyasha, who easily absorbs it.*

Bob: Another Lightning Stream proves useless! Not good for the former IG Champion!
Ralph: Nighty Night Raven!

*The champion slowly lifts Tessaiga over his head… His battle energy begins to surge!*

Raven: lol, fuck e_e
Inuyasha: IT’S OVER!! KAZZEEE NOOOOOOOOOOO—-

*The moment Inuyasha brings his blade down to destroy Raven with Dragon Scaled Wind Scar, Inuyasha’s eyes widen as he sees Tessaiga has reverted back to a normal, samurai blade, and even wider when he realizes his hair color has changed to jet black!*

Inuyasha: o_o.. oh… oh no.

*The new moon sits high above the UCTF Arena, stealing away all of the Intergalactic Champions demon energy! What stands now before Raven Darc is a perfectly normal, vulnerable human being!*

Everyone: ………..

Bob: ………
Ralph: What the hell just happened?!
Bob: Inuyasha is a dead man, that’s what.

Raven: …………. hehehehahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

*Raven instantly begins to focus ALL of his energy into his next, and obviously final attack against the Inuyasha! Lightning flows down from the heavens as more and more ki is formed into an ultimate attack! The Champion, now acting on pure instinct, rushes towards Raven Darc! No, NOT to attack him, but to run past his opponent and make his way up the ramp! That’s right! He’s borrowing Ranma Saotome’s ultimate attack: THE FAST BREAK! Yes, Titles change in the UCTF via count outs, but Inuyasha doesn’t give a shit! He’s getting the HELL out of dodge and he’s doing it now!*

Bob: INUYASHA’S RUNNING FOR HIS LIFE!
Ralph: Great idea! Live to fight another day! Screw the Intergalactic Championship!

*Just as Inuyasha reaches the top of the ramp, Raven Darc finishes focusing his attack! He turns towards the ring entrance…*

Bob: O_O! OH—
Ralph: SHIT!!!

Raven: SILVER WAAAAVVV—

*The commentators IMMEDIATELY abandon ship once they realize where the attack will be heading! They DIVE as well as Inuyasha just as the entire entrance of the Arena is engulfed with Raven’s full power!*

!!!KRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAKKAAATHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOMMMM!!!

*The smoke clears, revealing the demolished jumbotron and collapsed commentators tower. The ramp has collapsed leaving the stage barely hanging by a thread.*

Everyone: D:!!

*Grabbing a hold of his headset, Bob slides the hanging device over his head.*

Bob: is..is this thing still on? >=| YES. WE’RE STILL LIVE! Raven Darc just used his Silver Wave, which almost killed Ralph and I. I shudder to think what has happened to Inuyasha, who took the full brunt of that blast!
Ralph: What, you’re still working? I thought it was a rule that whenever our tower gets destroyed, we’re DONE for the night!
Bob: Shoot, Ralph. Inuyasha just got BLOWN UP. It IS the end of the night! What’s another minute and a half?!

*Seeing no other reason to keep this match going, The referee prepares to call for the bell, until the crowd POPS huge! He and Raven Darc slowly turn towards the entrance. Both are dumbfounded to see that SOMEHOW, the very human Inuyasha is pulling himself out of the wreckage!*

Raven: OH COME ON! >=|

Bob: I don’t know how, but this tough son of a bitch, with ZERO powers has just pulled himself out of the debris that used to be the Jumbotron!
Ralph: Which wasn’t a good idea! You should have stayed down, kid! Raven’s marching his way up the ramp!

*Raven bet EVERYTHING into that move, and now he’s just as weakened as Inuyasha. His sword is gone and he’s almost at the point of blacking out! With no ramp, he has to CLIMB up to the stage, proving he learned NOTHING from Star Wars Episode Three! Never attack a man who has the high ground! Inuyasha uses the last of his strength to drop kick Raven right in the face! The weakened demon loses his grip on the stage, falling ten feet onto ground below! Darc screams in TERRIBLE pain, as he lands RIGHT on top of the sharp end of Tessaiga that was perfectly positioned below him!*

Crowd: UGGHHHH!!!

Bob: OH MY GOD! RAVEN HAS LANDED RIGHT ON THAT SAMURAI SWORD!
Ralph: …you gotta be kidding me here… Don’t tell me that…

*Yes, IT’S ABOUT TO HAPPEN, Ralph. Despite the incredible differences in power, Inuyasha flings his body off of the stage, allowing gravity to do the rest of the work for him! He lands right on top of Raven, which buries the blade of Tessaiga even DEEPER into his back! The wound where Raven’s wing used to be opens up, blood begins to flood the destroyed ramp area as the referee comes out of NO WHERE.*

Ref: 1……… 2………..

Crowd: THREEE!!!!

!!DING DING DING!!

*The crowd pops HUGE as somehow, Raven Darc is miraculously defeated by Inuyasha! The commentary team are too stunned for words!*

Bob and Ralph: ….

Arzie: THE WINNER OF THIS MATCH, AND STILL UCTF INTERGALACTIC CHAMPION… INUUUUYASHAAAAA!!!

Winner and STILL UCTF Intergalactic Champion: Inuyasha

Bob: ………
Ralph: So uhh… o_o.. Kunoi’s losing his belt at Cyberslam, huh?
Bob: Pretty much.
Ralph: ….
Bob: ….
Ralph: so, uhh…
Bob: For Ralph Gerrard, this is Bob saying Goodnight.

*Finally, BOTH commentators corpse right on camera!*

Bob: LOLLOLLOL X_X
Ralph: …LOLLOL X_X HOW DID RAVEN LOSE A SURE THING LIKE THAT?!
Bob: I KNOW. IT’S LIKE HE’S IN THE DEMOCRATIC PARTY OR SOMETHING. LOLLOL
Ralph: I mean REALLY!? INUYASHA WAS POW—

End.

Bob: Welcome to another exciting edition of UCTF Massacre! I’m Bob Hinden, alongside the Hentai Commentator, Ralph Gerrard!
Ralph: Titties.
Bob: And we have an exciting event filled with action lined up tonight, including an appearance by UCTF Grand Champion, Kunoi Ishigami!
Ralph: He’ll be facing Bat-Puppies.
Bob: Indeed! As well as— Seriously Ralph. What’s wrong with you? O_o You’re not shouting “PUPPIES” with as much enthusiasm tonight.
Ralph: *sighs* Yeah. Look at who’s already in the ring.
Bob: D: and with a microphone no less!

*The camera quickly cuts to the inside of the squared circle where RIC AUSTIN is already there! How he does this shit, I don’t know!*

Arzie: The following is our opening contest scheduled for one fall! ALREADY INSIDE THE RING—

Ric: CAN IT ALREADY! PEOPLE CAN SEE I’M HERE, OK! >=|

Arzie: …

Ric: Yeah. e_e Last week, I slipped up and lost in a fluke.

Bob: Fluke?! You almost got killed!
Ralph: He’s a wrestler from the 80s… I suspect his head has suffered more than 30 concussions. He’s delusional.

Ric: So tonight they put me in a match against Rosinthorn’s butt buddy! Well you know what?! I’M TIRED OF BEING A CURTAIN JERKER! A STEPPING STONE IN THE UCTF! I swear to you, within six months… *mumbles* iftheresevenashowinsixmonths *yells* I’M GOING TO MAIN EVENT AN EPISODE OF UCTF MASSACRE!

Bob: yeah… must be concussions….

Ric: I’M THE WINNER OF THE TXA TOURNAMENT! I DESERVE RESPECT!

Ralph: why does he keep saying that like it’s an accomplishment.. UCTF got through that tournament with less effort than it takes to breathe. Hell, we KILLED ANOTHER FED just from participating in it!

*After Ric finally finishes digging a hole for himself, an unfamiliar theme song kicks up, bringing down a six foot five warrior with an equally large claymore axe strapped to his back! Ric Austin’s eyes double in width!*

Arzie: And his opponent, hailing from Hellunia, He is known as EBLIS NICKELHEART DRAKARRRR!!!!

Bob: This Newcomer made his appearance in the last episode, helping Rosinthorn complete a heinous act on Lo-Ruhamah in the center of the ring! We haven’t seen nor heard from Lo since the attack!

*Just as Eblis reaches the ring, Ric Austin goes in all or nothing! He throws his fat lard of a body over the top rope, crashing down on the UCTF newbie before the sound of the bell!*

Crowd: *POPS* o_o!

Bob: Ric Austin with a GIANT top con hilo!!!
Ralph: o_o wow, he wasn’t kidding, was he?

!!DING DING DING!!

Ric Austin vs. Eblis Nickelheart Drakar

*Eblis lies on the ground after being caught off guard by Ric Austin, who is now driving hard boots into the face of his opponent!*

Bob: Ric Austin is being more aggressive than I’ve ever seen him tonight! Maybe… Maybe there’s a chance!

Ref: Ric! Get him into the ring or I’m counting you both out!

*Ric lifts Eblis by the hair before throwing the newcomer into the ring… He follows his opponent by sliding under the top rope. Just as Eblis climbs back to his feet, Ric explodes across the ring with a lariat! Unfortunately for him, Eblis seems to VANISH out of thin air!*

Ric: What the—

!!BAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAMMM!!

*Drakar reappears to the left of Austin, driving a STIFF punch into the mid-section with enough force to lift the jobber OFF HIS FEET! Drakar quickly switches stance and drives the hilt of his claymore into the back of The Enhancer’s head!*

Crowd: *SHYS AWAY*

Ralph: What were you saying, Bob?
Bob: I’ll admit, Ric had me fooled for a second! What a shot to the head!

*These two strikes quickly change Austin’s tune!*

Austin: X_X HELP! *COUGHS* HELP ME! SOMEBODY HELP!

*The Enhancer surprises everyone by standing up, and stumbles towards the exit of the ring! He’s already had enough! However, Drakar isn’t quite finished with him! Moving in a bright flash for a second time, Eblis reappears in front of Ric, smashing the hilt of the Claymore RIGHT BETWEEN his eyes!*

Crowd: OOOOH!!

Ralph: GOOD GOD!
Bob: That strike was INSANE. Ric Austin has to be knocked out!
Ralph: and his nose in splinters!

*Who knows if it’s instinct or just stupidity, but Ric Austin is starting to stand up AGAIN! By now the fans are begging him to stay down, but it’s too late for The Enhancer! Eblis lets out a primal scream before leaping high above the ring! He turns in midair, before spiraling back down towards his opponent!*

Bob: This cannot end well for Ric Austin!

Eblis: AAAHHHH!!!

!!KABOOOOOOOOOOOOOMM!!

*The sound of Drakar’s boot impacting on Ric’s face sounds like a cannon, as Ric is driven face first into the canvas! Ric bounces off of his skull before sliding across the ring, leaving an imprint in the center of the ring!*

Bob: GOOD GOD ALMIGHTY SOMEONE CALL 911!!!
Ralph: Holy shit o_o

Ref: THAT’S ENOUGH! THAT’S ENOUGH! RING THE BELL!

*FINALLY!*

!!DING DING DING!!

Ralph: Well… wow. There goes Ric Austin’s ascent to the top. It’s stopped by the newbie, Eblis.
Bob: Seriously guys. Somebody get out there and see if he’s ok…

Winner: Eblis

*EMTs arrive to help, while Arzie maliciously steps over his body to announce the next match up… *

Arzie: Ladies and Gentlemen, the following match is scheduled for ONE fall!

Ric: y.. you’re not even going to wait until I get carted away?

Arzie: NO. >=|

*”Eclipsed” by Evan’s Blue starts up, bringing down The Russian…*

Arzie: Introducing first… making his way down the aisle… he is the man simply known assss… DIIIMIIITRIIII!!!

Bob: Dimitri is coming off of his intense match up with Lo-Ruhamah, which was followed by an unwarranted attack by the hands of the new UCTF blood.
Ralph: I hope they’re watching their backs. Dimitri isn’t the type to let something like that go without a response.

Arzie: And his opponent…

*”Eternal Gravestones” starts playing next, and out walks the mage, Blu De’Ragnarok*

Arzie: Hailing from Aht Urhgan… He is the currently undefeated Mage of the UCTF… welcome… BLUUUU DE-RAGGGNARROKKK!!!

*The crowd pops for the Mage as he slips into the ring! Tonight may be his biggest test as he takes on Dimitri in singles competition!*

Bob: Blu has a win over Austin and defeated the “legendary” demon Xamot on the last episode of Massacre.
Ralph: Tonight is his real test… Get through the man who has defeated everyone there is to beat in the UCTF!

!!DING DING DING!!

Blu De’Ragnarok vs. Dimitri

*With the match under way, Blu doesn’t waste any time! Armed with Tizona, Blu comes at Dimitri with everything he’s got!*

Ralph: We really need to do something about fighters using weapons outside of weapon master matches.
Bob: Hey, we’ve gone almost 12 years without rules, what would be the point of adding them now?

*Dimitri uses his speed and agility to evade Tizona’s unforgiving blade, and makes Blu pay with a quick uppercut to the chin for rushing into combat without using his head! Blu staggers backwards as Dimitri opens up a quick, three strike combination that ends with a flying kick to the face! The jump kick brings Blu to the canvas almost instantly!*

Blu: ugh..

*Standing over his downed opponent, Dimitri lifts his leg into the air before driving it down to the mat like an axe! Blu rolls out of the way just in time to keep from having his ribcage crushed! He has Dimitri off balance, sweeping the militant off of his feet with the broad end of Tizona.*

Bob: quick back and forth action here…

 *Blu brings Tizona down for the ending slash, only for Dimitri to WISELY roll out of the ring and to the floor.*

Ralph: whew!
Bob: Dimitri got out of there quick!! That would have been the end of him right there!
Ralph: They REALLY need to do something about sword play outside of weaponmaster matches!

*While Dimitri recuperates on the outside, Blu gets a little too close to the edge of the ring. Dimitri grabs a leg and sends the Blue Mage backwards to the canvas!*

Bob: Rookie Mistake by De’Ragnarok!

*Dimitri quickly slides back into the ring, kicking Tizona to the outside! Brilliant strategy by the military tactician… Dimitri didn’t seem to notice that Blu has a SECOND weapon, The Beast Slayer! The Russian turns around to see Blu now wielding his second sword, and his eyes widen in fear!*

Dimitri: …lovely.

*Blu swings the blade with added fire energy! The sword slash physically misses Dimitri, but the flaming flash of energy directly behind it catches him right in the chest! The blast staggers him as Blu spins around, ramming the hilt of the blade directly into his sternum! Dimitri’s body folds as he crashes into the corner!*

Ralph: Even bigger rookie mistake by Dimitri! Never turn your back on anyone, especially a Mage!

*Blu’s opponent pops back up rather quickly, he goes for his signature grapple technique but is stopped by a big boot from the Blue Mage! Dimitri crumbles from the near low blow, only to be struck in the back of the neck from the hilt of the beast slayer! He falls flat on his face seconds before Blu lands on his back with a big knee!*

Bob: Dimitri being man handled here!
Ralph: Indeed. And Blu has thus far used very minimal magic! The last thing you want to do is feed Dimitri any of your abilities for him to use against you.

*The two men wrestle on the ground in order to gain an upperhand. Dimitri’s military training gives him the advantage as he rolls, putting Blu on his face and locking on a hold from behind.*

Bob: Dimitri has Blu now!
Ralph: Blu better do something, because I think  Dimitri’s going for those.. YEP! He is!

*Dimitri unearths handcuffs from no where! He locks one around Blu’s wrist before the Blu Mage manages to shove him off!*

Ralph: Blu wisely avoiding having his hands cuffed together! That would have been bad news!

*Blu rushes the downed Dimitri, only to have his knee KICKED violently! His leg flies underneath him, sending Blu into the waiting arms of Dimitri who quickly locks the second cuff!*

Bob: OH NO!

*Dimitri stands up, a sadistic grin slowly builds on his face as Blu struggles to pull himself back to his feet…*

Ralph: This won’t end well for the Mage.

*Tossing the Beast Slayer blade out of the ring, Dimitri slowly stalks Blu who has backed himself into the corner. The Russian cracks his knuckles as the grin has turned into a full smile. He’s about to have the time of his life, that is, until he’s KICKED in the face!*

Bob: Desperation kick by Blu! Now you’ve gotta get outta there kid! Use some kinda spell to get out of those cuffs!

*He doesn’t have enough time, as Dimitri is back to his feet and now ANGRY! He lets the poor newbie have it in the corner with a long string of strikes and kicks that go unopposed! Blu slinks downward into a sitting position, allowing Dimitri to NAIL him in the face with a paralyzing kick!*

Bob: Ok, the referee might have to step in here!

*Dimitri charges in for another devastating strike, but Blu has a waiting present for him!*

Blu: Actinic Burst!!

!!FLOOOOM!!

*The magic spell connects the unsuspecting Dimitri, who staggers backwards. Dimitri notices no effects, and returns to his attack! However, NOTHING hits! Blu begins to dodge all of his strike attempts with ease, as he has lowered Dimitri’s attack accuracy!*

Bob and Ralph: …

*Dimitri misses a wild haymaker! He spins from the whiff, and gets punished with a giant kick to the ass! Dimitri flies into the corner, shoulder first into the turnbuckle!*

Crowd: OOOOH!!

Bob: Blu uses a perfect magical attack!

*He breaks free of his confines, and summons another magic tech!*

Blu: NEFARIAN BLASTER!!

!!FLOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!!

*The blast shoots across the ring, connecting with Dimitri! It INSTANTLY paralyzes the Russian on contact!*

Ralph: Another magical attack connects!! Blu better be careful! He’s been VERY lucky that Dimitri hasn’t aborbed these thus far!
Bob: Damn right! He has a chance to finish this right here, right now!

*Now in control, Blu casts his “Azure Lore” technique, which boosts his accuracy, damage, potency and duration of all of his spells! He’s powering up for one final strike on Dimitri, and causing what would be a HUGE upset victory tonight!*

Bob: Dimitri is helpless in the ring!
Ralph: and Blu is grabbing his blade! He’s going to end this! Referee! Get in there and stop the match!

*Still paralyzed, Dimitri can only watch in fear as Blu has retrieved his weapon, and is now charging him at full speed!*

Blu: AAAHHHH!!!

*Seconds before the blade strike connects, Dimitri flashes an evil grin, before catching Blu out of his attack by the THROAT!*

Blu: O_O!!
Dimitri: e_e nice paralysis technique… doesn’t take nearly as much energy as mine does. I’ll have to use it sometime.

*Dimitri has not only snapped out of the Nefarian Blaster, but he’s absorbed the technique! Using an incredible amount of focus, Dimitri then performs his “Soul Drain” technique! Every bit of Blu’s energy is absorbed via Dimitri’s Psi-Vampirism! Within seconds, Blu is rendered completely unconscious. Dimitri tosses him aside before falling to his knees, gasping for air heavily!*

 Everyone: o_o..

Ref: …ring it.

!!DING DING DING!!

Ralph: Holy CRAP!
Bob: That’s it… one TINY mistake by Blu and Dimitri manages to turn the tables and win the match. That was one hell of a contest! Blu was within INCHES of putting Dimitri away!
Ralph: for good.

Winner: Dimitri

*With Evans Blue playing, Dimitri slowly walks to the backstage area.*

Bob: Blu’s win streak ends here tonight at the hands of Dimitri, but what a match!

*As EMTs rush to the aid of Blu, the video crew switches the scene to a match between Dimitri, The Russian, vs. Lo-Ruhamah, the Occult asshole…*

Bob: Neither man is backing down here! This could be the makings of a CLASSIC con—WHAT THE HELL?!

*Two figures enter the ring and blindside BOTH Ruhamah and Dimitri with a powerful set of clotheslines that send the weary warriors to the canvas!*

Ralph: Is that… that new guy?
Bob: YES! It’s Rosinthorn! What in the HELL is he doing out here, and who is that with him?!

*The Referee attempts to keep the new competitor in the UCTF at bay along with his partner, but he is sent over the top rope for his troubles! Rosinthorn drops a jagged shard of metal in the center of the ring…*

Ralph: There goes the ref… and what the hell did he just drop?
Bob: I don’t… I have no idea WHAT is going on right now.

*Now directing traffic, Rosinthorn instructs his partner to lift the prone Lo-Ruhamah back to his feet*

Bob: Rosinthorn, for whatever reason is taking it to Ruhamah!

*He abides, before hitting the ropes and LEVELING Ruhamah with a running elbow to the back of the head! The Unloved one falls forward into the arms of Rosinthorn, who quickly delivers the Jumping Emerald Flowsion in the center of the ring! While this happens, his nameless partner slowly points to the entrance of the Arena…*

Bob: FALL FROM GRACE by Rosinthorn!! Good Lord what a move!
Ralph: Uhh… Bob, check the entrance.
Bob: LDFKAJDSL;FJ WHAT THE HELL?!

*Four beings, dressed from head to toe in black, roll a casket made purely from iron down the aisle… it is becoming increasingly clear that Rosinthorn has had this attacked planned for a VERY long time! Once the Casket makes it’s rest at the edge of the ring, the unnamed individuals slowly open the structure. The unconscious Lo-Ruhamah is easily punted out of the ring and into the casket! The doors are closed as Rosinthorn and his partner stand on top of the structure, their arms in the air in front of a hushed silence of the UCTF Capacity Crowd!*

Ralph: Um… not that he doesn’t deserve regular beatings like this… WHY!?

*More officials rush down to the ring to FINALLY separate the men from Ruhamah, meanwhile, more officials check on Dimitri…*

Bob: I have no idea Ralph! Not a clue! But you can bet your bottom damn dollar that they will have hell to pay.

*Present*

Arzie: The Following match is scheduled for one fall…

*The lights in the arena instantly go black, as “Forever Torment” kicks up over the sound system!*

Bob: That music can only mean one thing…
Ralph: Yeah..

Arzie: Introducing first, hailing from the bamboo forests of Japan, he is the legendary demon known as XAAAAMOTTTTT!!!

*Xamot slowly makes his way down the aisle, looking even more annoyed as usual as he’s just come off of a loss to Blu De’Ragnorok in the last edition of UCTF Massacre. He climbs into the ring and folds his arms, keeping his back to the arena’s entrance in an ultimate sign of disrespect for his opponent!*

Arzie: And his opponent…

*”Super Villain” by Powerman 5000 kicks up, bringing down the man who DESTROYED Lo-Ruhamah  in the last episode!*

Arzie: Hailing from the Laboratories of the Negaverse… He is known simply as ROSINTHORRRNNN!!

Ralph: This guy has been talking a lot of shit throughout Anime City since his arrival.
Bob: Well so far, he’s taken out Ric Austin and Lo-Ruhamah.
Ralph: Everybody takes out Ric Austin. YOU could take out Ric Austin, and he attacked Lo when he was already exhausted in his match against Dimitri. Let’s see if he can beat Xamot… even though Xamot hasn’t been doing that well in matches, lately. =\

*Rosinthorn slowly climbs into the ring. Xamot slowly turns around to face his opponent, and both self-proclaimed Super Villains stare each other down with an equal amount of contempt in their eyes. This match up is about to begin… NOW!*

!!DING DING DING!!

Rosinthorn vs. Xamot

*Discarding his characteristic sadism, Xamot quickly rushes towards the surprised Rosinthorn with a murderous intent in his eyes! He misses, as Rosinthorn quickly reads Xamot’s movements, avoiding the strike almost instantly. Flowing past Xamot in a blur, Rosinthorn reappears behind his enemy, punishing the whiff with a stiff kick to the back! The demon is sent tumbling to the ground for less than a second as he rolls quickly back to his feet.

Bob: Xamot rushed in and the rookie made him pay for it!
Ralph: *facepalm* He’s going to lose another match, isn’t he? Worst. Demon. Ever!

*Embarrassed, Xamot’s aura of evil energy begins to manifest around him… Rosinthorn, sensing the danger turns tail and begins to flee the ring! Xamot gives chase, playing right into the hands of the Villain from the Negaverse! Rosinthorn leaps, plastering his enemy in the jaw with a roundhouse kick which sends Xamot flying across the ring!*

Bob: Oh! Christ!
Ralph: and it’s going to be a humiliating loss. Wow.

*Now assuming the offensive role, Rosinthorn reaches into his coat, revealing a MASSIVE gun that has to be occupying the same pocket-verse where Akane Tendo’s hammers reside!*

Everyone: O_O OH SH—

Ralph: THAT’S ONE BIG FUC—

!!KAATHOOOOM!!

*The firearm begins to spray laser fire towards Xamot, who quickly transforms into his full demon mode and leaps high into the open air arena to dodge the attack! Fans from the first row of seating all the way to the nose bleed dive out of the way of instant death as Xamot speeds past them! The demon responds by sending a frenzy of shark-shaped ki blasts toward the squared circle! The blasts from the gun meet the feeding frenzy, causing several dozen explosions to fill the arena! Smoke billows from the remnants of the ki blast volley, leaving a shroud over the ring…*

Ralph: Can’t really see what’s going on here!
Bob: This could be a tactical advantage by Xamot! He has the high ground!

Rosinthorn: … THERE!

*Rosinthorn quickly spins around to blast Xamot, but it’s too late! By the time Rosinthorn is facing his opponent, the wily demon NAILS him directly in the sternum with his Shadow Charge! The shoulder block sends the 6’7” Negaverse Warrior THROUGH the ropes, out of the ring, and embeds him into the barrier on the outside!*

Ralph: DAMN!
Bob: What a shoulder block by Xamot!
Ralph: Rosinthorn was just a little too slow on that exchange, and he may have paid for it with a broken back!

*Xamot grins, letting that sadistic streak finally show itself, as he places his palms together in front of him. This is not good for both Rosinthorn AND the fans behind him, who have wisely begun to run out of the way!*

Bob: Xamot’s looking to finish!

Xamot: MAKO STRIKE!!

*He unleashes Dre Alexander’s signature shark made-o-ki directly towards Rosinthorn! Rosinthorn quickly acts! He uses an invisible telekinetic blast to keep the Mako Strike from connecting! It is a mere inch away from him!*

Ralph: What the–!!?

!!KATHOOOOM!!

*Rosinthorn teleports himself to safety in the cheap seats just as the blast hits the crowd. He looks down onto his opponent with an even bigger sadistic grin on his face, as if to let Xamot know he’s still one step ahead of him.*

Bob: We can add teleportation and telekinetics to Rosinthorn’s ever growing list of abilities.
Ralph: Xamot’s going to have to come up with a better game plan if he plans on defeating a guy he can’t touch. Oh yeah, and WHO CAN TELEPORT!

*Xamot, in his ever growing frustration, chucks a fireball high into the stands towards Rosinthorn, who teleports out of the way. He reappears behind Xamot, who turns right into a massive roundhouse kick to the face! This one sends the demon flipping inside out from the impact! Before he hits the ground, Rosinthorn teleports into the path of his flight, juggling the demon with another SICKENING kick to the mid-section! As Xamot’s body falls towards the earth, Rosinthorn catches him mid-air, before hitting his “FALL FROM GRACE” driver in the center of the ring!*

Ralph: JUMPING EMERALD FLOWSION!
Bob: That’s gotta be it!

*It COULD be the end, however, Rosinthorn doesn’t cover, instead, preferring the ten count, knock out victory over the one who claims to be the “Legendary Demon of the Bamboo Forests!” It is a testament to the vain disposition of the Negaverse Villain!*

Ralph: This idiot isn’t covering?!
Bob: You said it yourself Ralph… He wants this to be a humiliating defeat!

*However, Rosinthorn’s plan does not work. Xamot is pulling himself back to his feet after a vicious slam directly on the top of his skull! Rosinthorn’s grin fades as he teleports again! He reappears behind Xamot, cocked back for another kick to the face, but Xamot BLOCKS the strike before quickly goozling the rookie around the throat!*

Rosinthorn: O_O
Xamot: >=)

*In less than a second, both men are several stories above the ring as Xamot riddles with close ranged ki strikes. His grip around Rosinthorn’s neck tightens with every moment that passes!*

Bob: Went to the well once too many times!

*A blur of dark energy spirals to the ground in a death spin, ending with a quaking noise filling the arena from the impact of Rosinthorn’s body colliding with, and penetrating, the middle of the ring! The squared circle implodes, bringing the entire structure down!*

Ralph: HOLY—HOLY SHIT O_O
Bob: That… had to be the biggest Demon Slam I’ve ever seen in my LIFE! He just destroyed a UCTF ring with it!

Ref: o_o… ring the b—

!!BLAOWW!!

*Xamot is assaulted from behind by the broadside of a claymore axe, knocking him right out of his full demon mode and to the ruins of the ring!*

Bob: EBLIS DRAKAR!
Ralph: this asshole again.
Bob: Eblis has come to the rescue of his partner and is unleashing a beating of epic proportions onto Xamot! Jesus!
Ralph: Last week they laid Lo-Ruh—OH SHIT LO O_O

*Ruhamah appears out of nowhere, riding on the top of the very casket he was stuffed into like a damn surfboard! The object slams Eblis right in the face, sending the 6’5 warrior into oblivion! Lo immediately turns his attention to Rosinthorn, who has managed to pull himself out of the hole in the ring, and right into his waiting arms!*

Lo: >=|!! AHHH!!

*DOUBLE ARM DDT on the concrete is delivered to Rosinthorn by the Unloved one, right before he rolls Xamot on top of him!*

Ref: …….o_o *shrugs* 1….. 2……. 3!

!!DING DING DING!!

Bob: AND IT’S OVER! Rosinthorn is defeated by Xamot in his second Career match!
Ralph: Chickens coming home to roo—OH CRAP BEHIND YOU!

Winner: Xamot

*Eblis levels Lo-Ruhamah from behind with the Iron casket! It leaves a damn DENT in the thing!*

Ralph: GOOD GOD!
Bob: SOMEBODY CALL 911!! What a shot to the back of the head!!

*Rosinthorn, slowly recovers, but as soon as he does, he joins his partner in laying the boots to Ruhamah for the second time!*

Bob: Lo being double teamed! Xamot too incapacitated to help!
Ralph: I’m not sure he’d help even if he was 100% healthy.
Bob: …touché.

*The beating continues for a few more moments until DIMITRI slowly saunters onto the stage!*

Ralph: Bobby, look!
Bob: Here comes Dimitri, fresh off of his victory just a few moments ago himself!

*Still surging with some left over energy from his match against Blu De’Ragnorok, the Russian slowly makes his way down the aisle. Eblis and Rosinthorn turn their attentions to him.*

Dimitri: Well, let’s see how that Blue Mage’s powers work out. Shall we?

*Eblis and Rosinthorn charge up the ramp, as Dimitri fires Blu’s very own “Nefarian Blaster” technique! It connects with Rosinthorn and Drakar, instantly rendering them paralyzed!*

Dimitri: Excellent.

*Dimitri brandishes a police baton as his pace quickens!*

Bob: Oh… Oh this is not going to be good!
Ralph: Pay back is a –

!!!WHOOMP!!!

*Dimitri goes to work on Eblis with the police baton, meanwhile, Lo-Ruhamah is back to his feet, and he quickly takes over the prone body of Rosinthorn, locking on his mystical submission maneuver, “Surrender Your Soul!” The arena fills with the agonizing screams from Rosinthorn as several officials FINALLY arrive on the scene to break apart the melee!*

Bob: Wow, this place is flooding with referees and officials trying to break this up!
Ralph: Lo’s a mess. He’s bleeding from all over the place! Seriously! Get 911 out here quickly!

*Bob stares off into space for a split second, before a wild expression forms on his face.*

Bob: Ladies and Gentlemen, I’m being told that the Next Episode’s main event has been revealed, and it is a DOOZY.
Ralph: What?! How come I’m not hearing the same thing in my microphone?
Bob: Next week’s main event will be for the UCTF Intergalactic Championship, and will pit the champion, Inuyasha, against RAVEN DARC!

Crowd: *POPS*

Ralph: whoa.
Bob: indeed! The final Broadcast before Cyberslam 2010 will have these two rivals duking it out for the Second biggest prize in the UCTF!
Ralph: I can’t wait!
Bob: In the meantime, we better get to a commercial break. Looks like the ring crew and EMTs are going to need a little time to get the ringside area cleaned up.
Ralph: uhh… Bob? Commercials? All of our sponsors left us years ago.
Bob: e_e… How about a classic commercial, then?

*A commercial starts where Burter is walking out of a UCTF office… a guy comes up and asks for an autograph… Burter says sure and signs it.. whenever he starts to walk away, the guy pulls out a Burter action figure to sign.. Burter laughs a little then signs it too…*

Do do do dooo, do doo, do waaaah!
It doesn’t matter what comes, fresh goes better in life,
With Mentos fresh and full of Life!

*As he’s walking away, the guy runs in front of him and opens up his coat, begging and pleading with Burter to sign his shirt. By now, Burter’s getting frustrated and angry.. but he signs it anyway.*

Nothing gets to you, stayin fresh, stayin cool,
With Mentos fresh and full of LIFE!!!

*The Guy runs up to him, and pulls up his shirt.. he wants Burter to sign his bare chest! By now, Burter is getting pissed.. but digs down deep into his soul and signs the guys chest. He tries to walk away, but the guy runs in front of him and pulls down his pants, showing the crack of his ass! Burter Snaps, turns the guy around and BURTER BOMBS HIM!*

Burter: >:|……

Fresh goes better! Mentos freshness!
Fresh goes better with Mentos, fresh and full of life!

*A bunch of cops and the guys family starts screaming and stuff.. Burter goes into his pocket and holds out a full pack of Mentos!*

Everyone: o_o……. ^_^!!!!!!!!!
Burter: ^_^

Mentos! The Freshmaker!

*Fades out…….*

*We return from our break. Magically, a new ring has been built, and Arzie is in the center of it with the microphone.*

Arzie: Ladies and Gentlemen, the following is our main event contest for this evening!

*Story of the Year’s “We Don’t Care Anymore,” brings out the first challenger in tonight’s main event; The tag team partner of the #1 contender to the UCTF Grand Championship at Cyberslam!*

Arzie: Introducing first, hailing from Gotham City… She is one half of the UCTF’s Tag Team Champions… She is none other than BAT-GIRL!!!

Bob: Our #1 contender defeated Bat-Girl in a nail biter in the first round of the “Only the Strong” tournament!
Ralph: Yes sir. Bat-puppies here could very well have been one of our “#1 contenders” if it weren’t for an unfortunate twist of fate at the end of her match-up with X-23.
Bob: It was a very thrilling first round indeed.

*The cheering instantly converts to foundation shaking jeers when “Water Pow” by B-Dash begins playing over the sound system!*

Arzie: And her opponent… He hails from Sapporo City in Hokkaido, Japan… He is THE Ultimate Crossover Tournament Fighting league’s PLATINUM GRANNNNDDD CHAMPION!!!

Bob: Ok Arzie! We get the damn point!

*Kunoi hears Bob’s complaint just as he walks past the commentator tower!*

Kunoi: e_e…
Bob: e_e…

Arzie: -KUNOIIIII ISHIGAMIIIII!!!

Crowd: BOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!

*The champ ignores the salty response from the crowd as he climbs into the ring. Planning on making an example out of the tag team champion tonight, he attempts to intimidate the female caped crusader by never taking his eyes off of her!*

Ralph: Kunoi looks prepared!
Bob: Yeah, well let’s see how he fares in this contest after not having a match with suitable competition in months!
Ralph: you mad at him or something?
Bob: what? e_e

!!DING DING DING!!

Kunoi Ishigami vs. Bat-Girl

*With the main event under-way, our Grand Champion quickly lunges in to take down the caped crusader, who manages to avoid the aggressive shooto veteran’s advances with a quick backward handspring.*

Bob: Kunoi’s misses the take down early as Bat-Girl EASILY avoids him! What elegance and grace displayed by the tag team champion!
Ralph: O_o

*The fighters circle each other in the center of the ring. They size each other up briefly before Kunoi quickly darts towards Bat-Girl, once more. This time, the Grand Champion’s speed greatly increases! He double legs Cassandra Cain, lifting the light-weight crime fighter quite easily, and slamming her viciously onto the canvas!*

Ralph: Kunoi scores the takedown!

*Once Bat-Girl is taken down, Kunoi doesn’t even have enough time to lock in the mount. Bat-Girl slips away, and rolls to her feet. Kunoi, now on his knees; can only watch in horror as Bat-Girl punishes him for his slowness. She delivers an EPIC palm strike across the chest! The echoing sound of flesh meeting leather throughout the arena causes the patrons to shiver, feeling sympathy for The Champion as pain quakes throughout his entire being from the strike!*

Ralph: Oh! Jesus!
Bob: Yeah, he took her down, but she’s back up! This ain’t the MMA, Kunoi!!
Ralph: o_o Bob!

*The blow sends Kunoi reeling backwards! As his body snaps back from the inertia, Bat-Girl already has her leg swinging around for a decapitating kick. Unfortunately for her, Kunoi catches her foot mid strike! His face has a mixture of angry and a sadistic smirk, as he slowly raises to his feet, holding her leg tightly in his arms.*

Ralph: This isn’t good for Ba—

*Bat-Girl, thinking quickly, uses her free foot to leap into the air, striking Kunoi on his chin with a back flipping kick! The move causes Kunoi to lose grip as he’s sent flying into the ropes! Bat-girl lands the flip perfectly in a three point stance.*

Bob: NOT GOOD FOR WHOM, RALPH?! Bat-Girl still in control!
Ralph: uhh… yeah.

*Kunoi, holding his sore jaw quickly checks for blood, before looking back at his opponent with an ever growing look of frustration! He charges, only to have Cassandra duck under his lariat before punishing him again with another sickening open palm strike! Kunoi shrugs off the strike like a man, before firing back with a palm strike of his own! TOO SLOW! Bat-Girl parries away the arm, followed by an elbow to the jaw that rocks the Grand Champion!*

Bob: SHE’S GIVING IT TO KUNOI!!

*The elbow leaving the champion momentarily stunned allows Bat-Girl to open up an array of strikes through-out the champion’s entire torso! Kunoi FINALLY shoves Bat-Girl away, sending her rolling all the way to the opposing side of the ring! She rolls through, using Kunoi’s momentum to pop back to her feet quickly! The champ charges again, hoping that his opponent is off guard following the massive shove! SHE AIN’T! Bat-Girl quickly drops, hitting a lightning fast low drop kick that knocks Kunoi’s knee right from under him! Ishigami, moving already at a high rate of speed loses control as he flies right through the ropes and to the floor below!*

Ralph: Kunoi sent out of the ring!
Bob: Indeed! Right now he’s being outclassed both mentally and physically by the Tag Team Champion!

*The Destroyer is getting MORE pissed than before! Slamming his fists on the concrete, he leaps back to his feet, scrambling to get back into the ring! The second he plants just ONE knee on the apron, he’s ROCKED with a bat-a-rang right across the face!*

Bob: *LAUGHING* BAT-A-RANG outta no where!

*He rolls backwards from catching the flying metal object across the nose! Instantly, his eyes begin to water profusely! He can barely see, which is not good news for him! Bat-Girl leaps from the MIDDLE of the ring! Using her cape as a glider, she flies high over the top rope, before landing on Kunoi’s shoulders! She quickly throws her body weight back, hitting a NASTY hurricanrana on the floor to the Champion!*

Bob: HURRICANRANAAAA!!!
Ralph: …
Bob: What a series of blows that our Tag Team Champion has given to Kunoi Ishigami! She might be fast tracked on the way to a HUGE UCTF upset!!

*Thrown back into the ring, Kunoi Ishigami is running out of options and FAST. In a situation where your opponent can read your every move, and beat you to every punch, you must do what every good villain does in your situation. CHEAT! The champion shoves the referee into the path of Cassandra Cain, and as she predictively avoids the flying official, Kunoi grabs two handfuls of bat-mask and TWISTS it 180 degrees!*

Everyone: D:!!

Bob: OH THAT CHEATING SON OF A—

*Now blinded, Bat-Girl falls prey to a wicked jumping knee strike to the side of the head! She crumbles from the impact, landing in the corner in a sitting position. The fans are about to riot from the cowardly act displayed by the Grand Champion!*

Bob: WHAT A YELLOW TAILED PIECE OF CRAP!
Ralph: You have to admit it was a smart move.
Bob: NO SCREW THAT! WHAT A PIECE OF SHIT! >=|!
Ralph: seriously o_o calm down!

*More bad news for Bat-Girl, as she’s a sitting duck for Kunoi’s sadistic boot scrapes in the corner!*

Ralph: Kunoi’s taking advantage, and the last thing you want is to be hit with ANY of his strikes! Bat-girl needs to figure something out right now!

*Kunoi hits the ropes, charging towards his opponent like a locomotive!*

!!CRACK!!

*The running boot scrape hits, sending Bat-girl face first out of the ring! Her body rests over the rope like Rampage Jackson following a Wanderlei Silva knee!*

Crowd: BOOOOOOOOO!!!!!

Kunoi: *FLIPS EVERYONE OFF* e_e

Bob: DSLFKAJSDLFASI
Ralph: seriously, you’re going to have a heart attack o_o
Bob: HE HAS NO RESPECT FOR ANYONE!
Ralph: yeah, O_o he’s been that way for years. What do you expect?
Bob: e_e.. I .. I’m just getting tired of it.

*The champion pulls the almost lifeless body of Cassandra Cain back into the ring by her cape, before quickly snapping on a full nelson! He doesn’t think twice before chucking Bat-Girl violently backwards into a Dragon Suplex! The tag team champion bounces off of her neck, ROLL on her head and lands face first on the canvas! It is a devastating plex! Kunoi, showing a complete lack of respect doesn’t even go for the cover! Instead, he shouts into the crowd!*

Kunoi: e_e WHY DO THEY NEED A FEMALE BAT-PERSON IN GOTHAM ANYWAY?!  AND WHY DOES BATMAN NEED A KID SIDEKICK? HOW COME NO ONE IS GOING TO CALL HIM OUT FOR WHAT HE IS? A PEDAPHILIAC PIMP E_E

Everyone: BOOOOO!!!

*Elsewhere, in Gotham City…*

Bruce: e_e……….

*Back inside the ring, The Grand Champion casually walks over to his opponent. Slowly lifting her by her cowl, the overtly confident Kunoi leaves himself wide open for a STIFF strike to the mid-section!*

Crowd: *POPS!*

*Bat-Girl doesn’t let up, unleashing a flurry of martial arts strikes about Kunoi’s entire body!*

Bob: THAT’S RIGHT BAT-GIRL! KICK HIS ASS!

*Kunoi bounces off the ropes, as Cassandra rolls forward into a handstand and locks her legs around his throat!*

Kunoi: >_< GACK!!

*Cassandra pulls herself onto Kunoi’s shoulders!*

Bob: HANDSTAND FRANKEN—

*Ishigami however, reverses the flow, NAILING a powerbomb in the center of the ring!*

Ralph:  HUGE POWERBOMB BY KUNOI!
Bob: NO!! DAMMIT!!
Ralph: Just as Bat-Girl was regaining a little momentum, Kunoi quickly ends it with a well placed powerbomb!

*The bomb is so powerful, that Bat-Girl bounces into a sitting position! Not a good place to be, as Kunoi continues his work on the neck, attempting to lock on his “Ishigami Sleeper!”*

Ralph: Kunoi trying to get that l—

*Bat-Girl however slips away quickly, while pulling The Grand Champion’s leg out from under him! As she rolls to her knee, Kunoi pops back to his feet, angrily charging the tag team champ, only to find a BATTERANG crashing into his skull as a result!*

Crowd: OOOOHHH!!

Bob: Kunoi hit point blank range with that weapon! He’s damn near out on his feet!

*Bat-Girl springs off of Kunoi’s doubled over body, landing perfectly on the top rope!*

Bob: She’s going nor—

*But Kunoi reacts, kicking her leg right from under her! Bat-Girl collapses crotch first on the top rope!*

Crowd: X_X!! OOOHHH!

Ralph: But Kunoi shows again why he’s the Grand Champion with an AWESOME move like that

*He hits a leaping, spinning, palm-strike to Bat-Girl in the corner, before turning his back to her while grabbing her under her arms. That’s right! He’s about to go 2002 on everyone’s asses with the IconoClasm!*

Bob: This could be it for Bat-Gir—

*The moment he tosses her off the top rope, Bat-Girl quickly turns her entire body over and lands on her feet! The Destroyer looks on in bewilderment for a split second, long enough for Bat-Girl to PUNISH him with a stiff kick to the face! Kunoi travels backward from the impact, crash landing in the corner with his head resting against the bottom turnbuckle.*

!!POP!!

Crowd: OOOOOH!!

Bob: WHAT A KICK!
Ralph: She better take advantage now… Kunoi is looking slightly concussed from that kick!

*Cassandra drags the Grand Champion to the center of the ring… She stalks the hurting Destroyer, before grabbing his right arm. She then takes her boot and drops it on the Champion’s throat! The rest of the hold is academic! She pulls Kunoi’s arm toward her as hard as possible, while at the same time pushing her foot deeper into his throat! Kunoi instantly begins flopping around like a fish out of water!*

Everyone: O_O!!

Ralph: HOLY SH—
Bob: Mule’s Kill lock by Bat-Girl!! COME ON KUNOI!! TAP! TAP YOU SON OF A BITCH!
Ralph: o_o

*The Champion refuses to quit! As his heart begins to race, Kunoi grabs a hold of Bat-Girl’s leg with his free arm! He tries desperately to alleviate the pressure to his throat!*

Kunoi: >_< !!!! AHHHHHH!!

*Everyone in the arena are on their feet expecting to see Ishigami tap! It’s not going to happen. Kunoi uses his UNGODLY strength to push Bat-Girl’s leg away, quickly locking his legs around the falling tag team champion’s throat! He’s somehow reversed HER choke into his own, the Sankakujime!!*

Bob: …
Ralph: Triangle Choke!! It’s locked in tight!!!

*Bat-Girl also refuses to give up, but the tight grip by The Grand Champion is too much for her to bear, and she passes out in the center of the ring. The referee rushes in and pushes Kunoi off as the bell sounds in the HUSHED arena!*

!!DING DING DING!!

Kunoi: *OCUGH COUGH* X_X…

Everyone: ….

Ralph: It’s over! What a reversal!
Bob: ….

*”Water Pow” kicks up again, as Kunoi pushes the referee away who was attempting to raise his arm in victory!*

Kunoi: >=|!!

Winner: Kunoi Ishigami

Bob: well, Kunoi has proved himself by defeating X-23’s Tag team Partner, Bat—OH WHAT THE HELL! KUNOI >=|!

*Kunoi is NOT finished! He lifts the unconscious Bat-Girl back to her feet, locking on a full nelson…*

Kunoi: >=|!! I HATE BATTERANGS!

*Kunoi charges forward, before hitting the Locomotion Dragon Suplex in the center of the ring!*

Kunoi: E_E!!!!!!!!!!!!!! YOU THOUGHT SHE WAS GONNA BEAT ME SASA?! HUH!?

*He grabs Bat-Girl by the neck, quickly snapping on a Guillotine choke*

Ralph: …
Bob: GET SOMEBODY OUT THERE!

*Numerous officials rush the ring, while the time keeper rings the bell in vain. Kunoi is NOT letting go of the hold, that is, until X-23 sprints down the aisle! The Champ’s eyes widen as he releases the choke a second too late. X-23 flies across the ring, planting a flying drop kick to the chest that sends Kunoi flying through the ropes!*

Crowd: *POPS!*

Bob: Thank God for X-23! Get that son of a bitch out of here!

*X-23 goes to check on her tag team partner… NOT A GOOD IDEA! Kunoi slips back into the ring, locking on a choke hold from behind! Before she can react, he DROPS her with the Choke Sleeper Suplex! NOW the fans are rabid with anger!*

Crowd: L;KSJFADLFJAO

Kunoi: e_e… LOLLOLLOL

*With BOTH women now laid out, Kunoi slides out of the ring, backing his way up the aisle while appreciating his work. Unfortunately for him, he forgot one thing… there’s more than one #1 Contender to the Grand Championship! Slowly walking out from behind the curtain is–*

Bob and Ralph: D: INUYASHA!!!!!

Inuyasha: e_e…

*Kunoi slowly turns around to see the Hanyou standing only a foot away from him!*

Kunoi: D: !!

*However, today must be the luckiest day of Kunoi’s life, because from BEHIND INUYASHA IS–*

Raven: >=|!!!!!!!!!!

*FULL DEMON MODE RAVEN FRIGGIN DARC!!*

!!KARAKKAATHOOOOM!!!

*Raven takes out his opponent from behind with a SICK lariat, and continues to beat the #1 contender to the Grand Championship down the aisle! Kunoi lets out a sigh of relief as he returns to leaving the area.*

Bob: KUNOI THAT SON OF A BITCH CAN GO TO HELL!! >=|

Kunoi: …e_e..

Bob: OH SH—

*Kunoi HEARD Bob this time, and now the Commentator is FUCKED. Ishigami turns his attention to Bob and is CLIMBING UP THE COMMENTATORS TOWER1*

Ralph: o_o welp uhh.. Bob I’ll see you later… if there is a later.
Bob: OH SHIT OH SHIT OH SHIT OH SHIT

*Ralph dives off the tower, while Bob tries frantically to stop Kunoi’s ascent by stomping Ishigami’s hands! IT’S ONLY SERVING TO PISS THE DESTROYER OFF MORE! Kunoi reaches the top and immediately responds to Bob by palm striking him so hard, Bob almost flips over the table! Kunoi grabs Bob’s leg, ripping his shoe off and stuffing it into his mouth!*

Bob: SsaldfkajdfDA

*Ripping his dress shirt apart, Kunoi gives Bob a second, even more vicious chop to the chest that opens him up! Bob crumbles, as Kunoi slowly lifts him back up to his feet and RAMS his head into the table with enough force to destroy it!*

Crowd: D:!!

*Kunoi leaves Bob unconscious. His head is still through a piece of debris which was once the commenting table as the crowd now begins throwing trash at the Grand Champion. The camera spreads around the ring side area. X-23 and Bat-Girl are defeated, Inuyasha is unconscious on the ramp, leaving the two members of the boyfriend’s club to stand tall.*

Kunoi: >=| *FLIPS EVERYONE OFF AGAIN*

End.

OOC: I think by now you all should know what to expect. If you continue reading past this, I have no sympathy for you what-so-ever. Continuing the streak, the quality has once again diminished a significant amount. I mean, seriously. I don’t even know how Kunoi is going to be locked up in a room all day watching Chris-Chan videos, while at the same time being in a room playing “Celebrity Apprentice” with the rest of the Boyfriends’ Club. …Oh, wait. I got it! They recorded Celebrity Apprentice BEFORE The whole “Kunoi Watches Chris Chan vids the entire day thing! Seriously, I JUST thought of that as I was typing this disclaimer! No wonder why the UCTF’s been around for almost 12 years now! I’m a FRICKIN’ genius! On to the matches…

*We’re in a darkened, damp room where the musty smell of mold fills the small, 16 x 16 space. Only large enough to fit a small television and a chair, the room looks like it should be on the set of the Fox Television show (FINALLY CANCELED! ABOUT TIME!) 24. What could the purpose of this set up be for?*

Kunoi: WHAT THE HELL IS THIS SHIT?!!?

*Yep! It’s time for our opening match up!*

Kunoi Ishigami vs. Christian Weston Chandler

*Our poor Grand Champion is shoved into the room before he’s pinned down and shackled to the wooden chair, which itself is bolted down to the floor.*

Kunoi: Is this shit necessary?!

Guard: e_e Per Sasa Dark, you are to be chained to the chair.

Kunoi: …I’m going to fucking end his life. What about THAT?!

*More guards pour in (which is a feat into itself because of the size of the room!) before attaching some sort of device to Ishigami.*

Guard: This will monitor your heart rate. The second your heart passes 150 BPM, you officially lose the match up.

Kunoi: 150!? I’m an ATHLETE! I can run miles before my heart goes that fast!

Guard: …*grin*

*No sooner Kunoi says that, the guard flips on the television, which already has one of Chris Chan’s videos playing.*

I GOT A FISH! WOULD YOU LIKE TO MAKE A WISH! I GOT A FISH WOULD YOU LIKE TO MAKE A WISH! I GOT A FIIIIIIIIIIIISSSHHHH! ………WOULD YOU LIKE TO MAKE A WISH!

Kunoi: D:!!!

Guard: Good luck. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHA

–April Fools’ Day 2010—

Bob: Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to the annual Pay Per View Extravaganza, April Fools’ Day! I am your host, Bob Hinden, alongside the Hentai Commentator, Ralph Gerrard!
Ralph: I would not like to be Kunoi Ishigami right now… but having said that, I’d rather be Kunoi than THIS unlucky son of a bitch who’s about to come out.
Bob: … You know what the next match is?
Ralph: Yeah! It’s April Fools’ Day! Up is down, Down is up! Cats and Dogs sleep together and all that stuff.

Arzie: The Following match is scheduled for one fall….

*The theme to “Jesse James is a Dead Man” kicks up, bringing down the world’s biggest douchebag!*

Arzie: Introducing first… The man who single handedly ruined the life of America’s Sweetheart… JESSEEEE JAMEEESSSS!!!

Jesse: ;_; HEY

Ralph: Wow, what a totally unbiased introduction.
Bob: is it not true?!
Ralph: What, Sandra Bullock being America’s Sweetheart? HELLS NO! She’ll be out later to take care of Barack Obama!
Bob: …Oh no…
Ralph: e_e

*To make matters worse for Jesse James, This IDIOT comes out rocking a custom built chopper straight out of his own garage! Not a way to gain sympathy from the crowd!*

Crowd: BOOOOOOOOO!!!!

Bob: O_o Wow. Somewhere, Tiger Woods is on his knees thanking Buddha for this guy.
Ralph: Check the security cameras. Tiger Woods is literally backstage right now thanking Buddha. o_o

Arzie: And his opponent… please welcome the Academy Award Winning actress, SAAANNNDDRRAAAA BULLLOOCCKKKK!!!

*The crowd pops HUGE for her, as she makes her way down the aisle!*

Sandra: e_e…

Bob: Oh boy… I know this look. That’s the look Janne gave me at the Child Support proceedings…
Ralph: How much ARE you shelling out per month, anyway?
Bob: I don’t want to talk about it. e_e

*In the arena, Sandra Bullock climbs into the ring, preparing to face off against her death defying husband in singles action!*

!!DING DING DING!!

Sandra Bullock vs. Jesse James

*With the sound of the bell, Sandra prepares to unleash the past few weeks of frustration out on her nazi bitch loving husband!*

Jesse: okok, I know you’re angry…
Sandra: e_e
Jesse: BUT IT WAS JUST ONE TIME, OK! I WAS WEAK! ;_; IT ONLY HAPPENED ONCE!

Arzie: Ladies and Gentlemen, I have just been informed that ANOTHER mistress has come forward!

Crowd: OOOH X_X

Jesse: o_o.. ok.. look. It was two women, but I swear to GOD that’s it!

Arzie: I have just been informed that a THIRD Jesse James Mistress has come forward!

Ralph: JESUS!!
Bob: Maybe we should be having the Jesse James Mistress battle royale later tonight instead of the Tiger Woods one…

Jesse: ok.. ok I know this looks bad—

Arzie: WE HAVE JUST BEEN INFORMED THAT JESSE WAS IN A FOURSOME ORGY WITH ANOTHER MALE, MICHELLE BOMBSHELL, AND A LADY NAMED SKITTLES VALENTINE!

*Editor’s Note: I swear to God I’m not making this shit up. That’s her actual name!*

Everyone in the BUILDING: O_O!!

Jesse: DAMMIT ARZIE SHUT THE FUCK U—

!!WHOOMP!!

*Jesse’s finally cut off by a DEVESTATING lariat from his soon to be ex-wife! The star of “Jesse James is Dead” damn near has a broken neck from landing upside down!*

Crowd: *POPS!*

Bob: THAT WAS ONE HELLACIOUS CLOTHESLINE!!

*But he’s back up, only to be popped in the face with a running boot!*

Bob: And now he’s sent into the corner! This is a long time coming!
Ralph: O_o Bob… look who’s coming down the aisle.

*A Brown Shirted UPS man sprints down the aisle, carrying a long box with him…*

Ralph: Ok, I knew UPS was awesome but to deliver a package DURING a match?!
Bob: I know…

*It’s a package for Sandra Bullock… straight from Sweden. It can only mean one thing…*

Bob: OH NO!! OH NO!

*The box opens up to reveal…*

Ralph: GOLF CLUB!!!
Bob: Obviously sent from the home of Elin Nordegren!

*Jesse James looks up to see the 9 iron in the hands of his wife! NOT good news for him!*

Jesse: OH SH–

*He ducks a wild swing from Sandra and wisely escapes the ring!*

Bob: Look at that coward!
Ralph: Coward!? GENIUS! I’d be getting the hell out of there myself!

*Jesse quickly hops on his chopper, desperately attempting to start it up. Alas, in his panicked state he manages to stall out the engine ala Hulk Hogan! Bad luck, especially for a person who has a crazed golf club wielding psycho charging him!*

Ralph: GET THE HELL OUT OF THERE MAN!

*He dives off the bike just in time for the chopper to be leveled with the golf club! He abandons his wheels and just floors it up the ramp on foot! Sandra is close behind!*

Bob: Jesse’s getting the hell out of dodge!
Ralph: Run faster idiot! She’s right behind you!

*The chase continues until they’re both on top of the ramp! The second they arrive on the stage…*

VVVVVVRRRROOOOOOOOMMMMMMMMM!!!

BLAOWWWWWWWWWW!!!

Everyone: D:!

Bob: OH MY GOD!! OH MY GOD BOTH SANDRA BULLOCK AND JESSE JAMES HAVE BEEN RUN OVER BY THE BUS!! THE HUMANITY!
Ralph: o_o Well, not THE Bus… A Bus, but… why?!

*The metro style bus’ door opens up, revealing none other than…*

Keanu Reeves: OH GOD! ;_; OH GOD I MISJUDGED!

Bob and Ralph: KEANU REEVES?!?!

Keanu: OH GOD ;_; I WAS JUST SUPPOSED TO HIT JESSE JAMES AND MAKE SOME SNARKY ONE LINER REMARK IN REFERENCE TO SPEED! OH GOD I WASN’T SUPPOSED TO HIT BOTH OF THEM OH GOD! OH GOD!

Everyone: …

Keanu: wait… WAIT! I GOT IT. I’LL JUST SEND HER A NOTE! I’LL PUT A NOTE IN THE MAIL BOX AND SHE’LL GET IT IN THE PAST… WAIT NO X_X DAMMIT I WAS IN THE PAST AND SHE WAS IN THE FUTURE. DAMMIT THAT WON’T WORK! OH GOD! OH GOD!

Bob: o_o
Ralph: Draw?
Bob: Draw.

Winner: TIE

*Elsewhere, at UCTF Productions Headquarters…*

Jamal: e_e THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN VOTES END IN A TIE.

*Meanwhile, back at the Kunoi Ishigami Torture Chamber…*

ABSTINENCE, IF YOU’RE JUST LEARNING ABOUT IT, ABSTINENCE IS NOTHING BUT CRAP. IT IS A WHOLE FUCKING BUNCH OF BALONEY. IF EH-IF I HAD THE OPPORTUNITY, I WOULD-IF I WAS IN AN ASSEMBLY, I WOULD STAND RIGHT UP IN MY CHAIR AND I WOULD SAY “FUCK UP-FUCK ABSTINENCE!”

Kunoi: e_e… I don’t think you understand Chris… Abstinence isn’t the inability to get laid, idiot.

Bob: Continuing our apparent “Men are all liars and Cheaters” motif, our next match up is Reille Hunter going against Elizabeth Edwards!
Ralph: Now I know a lot of you folks are gonna hate on my boy John and say “How could you cheat on your wife who has CANCER with some slut you met in a bar?! AND NOT EVEN USE A CONDOM!” Well you PLAYER HATERS, why won’t you, for once, see it from his side of things? He was horny!
Bob: >=|!

Arzie: The following match is scheduled for one fall!!

*Editors Note: I… I don’t know if I can type this one, guys. I mean, firstly, the vote was way too close. I mean how many sick fuckers out there in UCTF land allowed the voting to be THIS CLOSE?! And now that I’m forced to write a competitive match, I have ideas in my head that might send me on an auto trip to hell. I HATE ALL OF YOU. ‘coughs’ continuing…*

Arzie: Introducing first, hailing from Jacksonville, Florida… she is the cancer stricken estranged wife of JOOOHNNN EDWARDS… WELCOME, ELIZABETH EDWARDS!!

Ralph: did he have to add the Estranged Wife part?
Bob: He wouldn’t be the best ring announcer in the business if he didn’t.

Arzie: And her opponent, hailing from Fort Lauderdale, Florida… She single handedly ended the political career of John Edwards along with her father being a horse KILLLERRRR!!

Ralph: holy shit!

Arzie: WELCOME, REILLE HUNTERRRR!!!!

*Reille gets a mixed reaction from the crowd as she makes her way down the aisle! Elsewhere, in UCTF Production Headquarters…*

Jamal: REALLY?!!?!? WITHIN ONE VOTE?! ARE YOU PEOPLE THAT FUCKING EVIL!? LIZ EDWARDS HAS CANCER YOU SICK SONS OF BITCHES! >=|

*Back in the Arena*

Bob: For those of you who have been living under a rock for the past four years, here is a quick rundown of the relationship between Reille Hunter and John Edwards…

2006 – New York Bar.

Reille: I have a great idea for your campaign, John. Let’s use Youtube as a means for viral marketing!
Edwards: That IS a great idea. But you know what’s better?

*later*

Edwards: UGGHGHGHHGHHH!!

2007 – The Edwards Mansion in North Carolina

*Reille Hunter and Real Bout Mai arrive at John’s house!*

Edwards: Bitch didn’t I tell you never to come here!?!?!
Reille: John…
RB Mai: WE’RE PREGNANT @_@
Edwards: D:!!

*Hiding in the bushes*

E! Demon: O_O WHAT A SCOOP!

2008: Charlotte Observer

Edwards: THAT BABY AIN’T MINE! >=|
Reporter: so you’ll take a DNA test?
Edwards: HELL NO!

*In the crowd*

Maury Povich: DAMN! >=|

January 21st 2010: Press Conference

Edwards: -_- *sighs* ok yeah, the kid is mine, alright.
Everyone: ………LMFAOSFALFMALFAMFOLFMAOLFMAOLMFAO

*Back in the arena!*

Ralph: Remind you of anything, Bob?
Bob: huh?
Ralph: *coughJANNEcough*
Bob: e_e… Anyway. Ladies and Gentlemen, we’ve been informed that we will have a special guest commentator in our booth tonight. None other than the former President of the United States of America, BILL CLINTON!

*The Camera pans backwards slightly to show William Jefferson Clinton STRAIGHT CHILLIN in the commentators booth. Both feet are on the table, and he’s got a bucket of fried chicken in his hand.*

Ralph: Dude O_o isn’t your heart like, half dead? Should you be eating that?
Bill: I’ll eat what I want Ralph, and you should address me as MR. PRESIDENT. For God’s sake, son. I was in the first main event here in the UCTF! Do you know how hard that was considering I was an active president at the time, sleeping with multiple women AND letting Osama Bin Laden go in the middle east?!
Ralph: o_o you’re right. Sorry.
Bob: I guess you’re philandering ways makes you the best candidate for this kinda match, huh?
Bill: Hey, it was 12 freaking years ago, Bob. Get over it already. e_e my wife has.

!!DING DING DING!!

Reille Hunter vs. Elizabeth Edwards

*The two women clash in the center of the ring, collapsing on the ground in a massive scale–*

Clinton: CAT FIGHT!! CAT FIGHT!!
Bob: …
Ralph: But not a really attractive one…
Clinton: Oh come on Ralph, you don’t think Cankles are sexy?
Ralph: …

*The battle becomes increasingly more violent as hair is now being pulled by each women! Unfortunately for the cancer-stricken Edwards…*

Everyone: O_O

Bob: OH GOD! HER CHEMOTHERAPY WIG JUST CAME OFF!

*Editors Note: YOU SEE THE SHIT YOU GUYS ARE MAKING ME WRITE HERE?!*

Ralph: o_o wow. Totally Bald.
Bill: Hey, it don’t matter to me, fella! I’d still hit that!
Bob: COME ON GUYS! REALLY?!

*As she scrambles for her medical wig, Reille takes full advantage of the situation, laying some stiff boots into the BREAST area of her opponent!*

Bob: OH COME ON NOW! THIS IS DISGUSTING! SOMEBODY DO SOMETHING ABOUT THIS!

Reille: LOOK AT YOU! IT’S NO WONDER YOUR HUSBAND CAME RUNNING TO ME! WHO WOULD WANT AN OLD, SICK, BALD HEADED BITCH LIKE YOU!?!

!!KAAAABOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!!

DUH DUH DUH
OH BABY BABY!!
DUH DUH DUH
OH BABY BABY!!

*That was the LAST thing that should have come out of Reille Hunter’s mouth, because like CLOCKWORK, the UCTF’s resident, old, sickly, baldheaded bitch responds! Charging down the aisle with a umbrella in tow and Ten Masked Men’s “Baby One More Time” blaring is Bald Headed Britney Spears!*

Ralph: OH GOD NO!
Bob: HERE WE GO! BUSINESS HAS JUST PICKED UP!

*Umbrella to the gut by Britney, followed by the Goozle!*

Bob: I think Reille is going up!

*Britney lifts Reille into the sky single handedly!*

Bill: O_o Good Gravy! One handed!
Bob: and CHOKESLAM by Britney Spears!

*The Deranged Big Pink Machine rolls Elizabeth Edwards over before retreating to the back!*

Ref: 1…. 2… 3!!

!!DING DING DING!!

Bob: And that’s it! Edwards wins the contest with the help of Britney Spears!
Ralph: Wow that was 1999 level bad.

Winner: Elizabeth Edwards (I mean seriously. THIS SHOULD HAVE BEEN A BLOW OUT, YOU SICK DEPRAVED BASTARDS!)

Bill: Well, I have to go. Good luck with your next set of special guests in the booth!
Bob: Wha?

!!IT’S RAINING MEN!!

Bob and Ralph: FUCK! >=|!

!!HALLELUJAH IT’S RAINING MEN!! HEY HEY!!

*The commentary duo have no time to react as they’re already pounced on and given a tickle attack that would make Eric Massa blush!*

Bob: ADLSFAKDF
Ralph: GET THE HELL OFF ME!

*Bob and Ralph struggle in vain before quickly leaping off of the tower, welcoming potential broken legs over the sexual harassment of the “Men on Films” duo! Settling into their posts, the flamboyant men slip on the headsets of the former commentators…*

Blaine: HELLO UCTF FANS! I am Blaine Edwards
Antoine: and I am his Spectabulously Fabtacular “partner” Antoine Merriweather
Both: And we’re MEN ON, UCTF April Fools Day!
Antoine: What do we have on the menu right now, Blaine?
Blaine: Well, by the looks of what’s going on in the ring, it looks like a heaping plate of FISH!
Both: HATED IT!

*The Camera flips to ring side, showing Mindy Lawson, Holly Sampson, Jamie Jungers, Joslyn James, Rachel Uchitel, Cori Rist, Jaime Grubbs, and Kalika Moquin all stuffed into the squared circle for the next match up. That’s right readers, the women just got a good ol fashioned “Ric Austin” style entrance!*

Arzie: The following match is the over the top rope, Tiger Woods Mistress Battle Royale! The Winner will receive Tiger Woods first ever Master’s trophy in exchange for shutting her damn mouth e_e. The participants are already inside the squared circle, so let the SKANK BATTLE BEGIN!

Crowd: *POPS!*

!!DING DING DING!!

Tiger Woods Mistress Battle Royale

Blaine: Here we go!
Antoine: And you can almost hear the feline sounds emanating from the ring as these money hungry, home wrecking sluts attack each other!
Blaine: wow Antoine! Me-ow!

*Jamie Grubbs and Kalika Moquin are quickly eliminated from the match up!*

Blaine: There’s too gone already!
Antoine: Which one of these fish said that Tiger was on the DL?
Blaine: Loredana Jolie. She couldn’t make it tonight.
Antoine: Tiger probably killed that bitch for bringing that out of the closet. LOLLOL
Blaine: Still… he can give me a call if he ever wants to explore those feelings.
Antoine: me too.

*Cori Rist gets tossed out by Rachel Uchitel!*

Blaine: there goes mistress #9!
Antoine: Have fun at your old Job, Hooters, bitch! No Ebaying for you!

*But Rachel keeps her back to the ring for too long! Big mistake, as she’s quickly eliminated by Joslyn James!*

Crowd: O_O!

Antoine: BYE BITCH!! HAHAHAHA!
Blaine: Tiger’s apparent bottom bitch is gone, as we both give her—
Both: THREE SNAPS IN Z FORMATION!
Blaine: have fun with your hush money, fish!

*Now only four women remain in the ring! James and Sampson pair up against Lawson and Jungers!*

Antoine: it seems the two AIDS infected porn stars have naturally joined forces against the old bitch Lawson and the halfway decent looking Jamie Jungers!
Blaine: Jamie won the Howard Stern “Tiger Woods Mistress Beauty Pagent” a few weeks ago, let’s see if that helps her tonight!

*The four women go at it, as the crowd in the UCTF arena goes mild!*

Antoine: every single woman in this match should be tested for syphilis after this is over…
Blaine: I second that.

*Lawson gains the upper hand, eliminating Joslyn James while Holly Sampson eliminates Jamie Jungers, bringing the match down to the final two!*

Blaine: and the bottom feeding whores have been narrowed down to two very ugly choices!
Antoine: am I a bad boy for praying a piano falls in the center of the ring at this very moment!
Blaine: Yes, but I LIKE that about you!
Antoine: HAAAAYYY!!

*The two women waste no time pounding each other in an instant slugfest! Lawson whips Sampson into the corner. She reverses, sending the brunette into the corner! Sampson charges towards Lawson, who responds by delivering a boot to the face.*

Blaine: She just took a hard one to the face!
Antoine: that’s what she said…
Blaine: Both women want it… which is why Tiger was with them in the first place…
Antoine: I see what you did there!

*Staggered in the ropes, Sampson is a sitting duck for a MASSIVE clothesline from Lawson! In fact, it’s so massive, that both women fly over the top rope and crash on the floor at the same time!*

Blaine and Antoine: WHAT?!

Everyone: e_e.

!!DING DING DING!!

Blaine: Oh, it looks like married men aren’t the only thing these bitches screwed… this match has just gone all to hell!
Antoine: Let’s see what the official decision is…

Arzie: Ladies and Gentlemen, since both women hit the floor at the same time, the referee will award this match to BOTH Mindy Lawson and Holly Sampson!

Crowd: BOOOOOOOO!!!

Antoine: The Luger/Hart finish?
Blaine: from a much more enjoyable Rumble by the way…

*The fans, commentators, and especially participants are not happy with this decision, especially when both women are awarded the trophy at the same time. Holly and Mindy struggle with the statue.*

Mindy: THIS IS BULLSHIT!!

Ref: yeah well, go take it up with King Solomon, bitch. I’m sure he’s got a way to settle your problem. <^>

Winners: Mindy Lawson and Holly Sampson

*Elsewhere, in UCTF studios…*

Jamal: THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN THINGS END IN A DRAW AROUND HERE. E_E

*Back in the arena*

Blaine: Ok Antoine, you stole my sheet. What’s next??

!!BLAAAAAAOWWW!!

*Before Antoine can finish, they’re NAILED from behind with golf clubs! See what I did there?!

Bob: e_e Sorry about that folks. We’re back.
Ralph: How do they get in the building EVERY YEAR?!?!

*Elsewhere…*

I am CHRISTIAN WESTON CHANDLER, SO GET IT THROUGH YOUR DAMN FUCKING SKULL AND CALL ME A REAL NAME THAT have God has been given to me and the bear at Regency Square Shopping center, during 1989, YOU DAMN MOCKING BASTARD!

Get it RIGHT! I’M Christian Weston Chandler, you are only CHRIS….CHANDLER! Your medal is made out of PAPER! The whole length of time, the REAL medal has been made out of Crayola fucking Model Magic and acrylic PAINT! If I wanted paper, I would go to Wal-mart and pay five dollars for FIVE HUNDRED SHEETS!

Redo the ten minute song and save the commentaries for a separate video, and everybody on the internet knows that I am the real deal, you are the impostor, so give up the damn game already before I really call the poli- before that I actually- before I tell the police all the information I have gotten since I finally got them involved, and then send them on your case, put you in jail, even though I would prefer not to see you in jail because Kacey respects you so much, man! She cares about you so much! She has told me herself, over the telephone!

If I did not have that beforehand, I would have just been gladly prepared, gladly, and only gladly, before talking to her, gladly, to see your ass behind bars. But after talking to Kacey, and hearing her honest respect, I would hate to see you in jail, out of respect, and of care, because she would be heartbroken. You are a lucky son of a gun, Chris Chandler, so quit this stupid impersonation game. Call my by the real name that God and the bear has given me throughout my whole life. The current full name of Christian Weston Chandler, my first name being Christopher and my Spanish nickname being Ricardo. But in the end, just call me the full name, Christian Weston Chandler.

This game is not fun. If you are not careful, you really are going to go to jail. You will be tried in court, and you will be going to jail or serve community service, forcedly. I have- I was nice about it, I told you the details, and what do you do, YOU KICK ME IN THE BALLS AGAIN! And I do not appreciate that! So stop it! Stop it!

Come clean! Rip off your PAPER medallion, RIP IT OFF like a shred of paper, look at my medal, I cannot even twist it, because it is made from Model Magic, not some cheap paper I can get at Wal-mart for five hundred dollar- for five dollars for five hundred sheets. Sing the whole nine-minute-something song.

Kunoi: …I can do this… e_e I won’t be broken. Not by this asshole.

*Back in the arena…*

Arzie: The following match is our PRESIDENTIAL GRUDGE MATCH!!

Ralph: Alright! This is what I’ve been waiting for! That socialist Obama’s about to get his.
Bob: oh Christ…

Arzie: Introducing first, From Wasilla, Alaska… The Former Vice Presidential Candidate and HALF-TERM GOVERNOR OF ALASKA…

Ralph: OH WHAT THE HELL. DID HE HAVE TO THROW THAT IN THERE?!
Bob: Is it not true? O_o

Arzie: SARRRAAAAAHHH PAAALLLINNNNN!!

*The Former Mayor and Governor of the Alaska makes her way down the aisle to a mixed reception…*

Ralph: What the hell? Did I hear some boos sprinkled in there?! >=| All of these idiots in the arena are socialist!
Bob: ok.. seriously.. what the hell is going on?
Ralph: e_e I hear her and Todd are on the outs… If I can just keep spewing this dumb shit, maybe I could get those hot 40 year old legs wrapped around my neck, ya know what I’m saying?!
Bob: e_e I knew you had an ulterior motive.

Arzie: And her opponent… hailing from 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue in Washington DC… PRESIDENT BARACK OBAMA!!!

*The President’s theme song begins playing for a few moments to a mixed reception,… After a few moments of no showing, that mixed reaction turns into boos! The atmosphere becomes even WORSE when the president’s image shows up on screen from what seems to be an island paradise in the background!*

Obama: oh.. uhh.. hey there. ^_^ I know uhh.. I’m uhh supposed to be there uhh but…. I can’t right now. You see uhhh… Me, Pelosi, and uhhh… Dodd and the boys are out here celebrating the death uhh of uhh.. the capitalist way uhhhh after passing healthcare refor—uhhh—mm…

Bob: Did he stutter in the middle of a word!?

Obama: souhh.. I’m uhh gonna uhh… look e_e Joe Biden’s about to whip her ass aiight?

!!THIS IS A BIG FUKKIN’ DEAL!!

*The Botch-KING’S music kicks up, and out comes CRAZY Joe Biden! He’s storming down to the ring with murderous intent in his eyes!*

Bob: OH SHIT!
Ralph: Obama no shows the UCTF AGAIN and here comes that LUNATIC!
Bob: Well.. I guess this makes more sense. o_o she wasn’t running for president in 2008.
Ralph: depends on who you ask.

Joe Biden vs. Sarah Palin

*As Joe slides under the ropes and enters the ring, Sarah can only think of one question to ask…*

Sarah: ;_; Can I call you Joe?
Joe: e_e NO!

!!WHOOOMP!!

*A giant right hand later and the former Governor is knocked clearly off her feet and sent flying through the ropes!*

Bob: BIG RIGHT BY BIDEN!
Ralph: What the hell?! He wouldn’t let her call him Joe?! What an elitist!!!
Bob: o_o you’re really going to run through all of the talking points, aren’t you?

*As Biden follows the Governor to the outside, Sarah Barracuda KIPS UP to her feet, much to the surprise of everyone in the arena!*

Sarah: e_e ALRIGHT OBIDEN! WE’LL PLAY IT YOUR WAY THEN!
Joe: IT’S NOT OB—

!!WHOOMP!!

*Joe feels the sole of Sarah’s running shoe crush his face before he’s sent flying over the time keeper’s table!*

Bob: RUNNING KICK BY SARAH!

Sarah: YEAH OBIDEN E_E I’M NOT A FAT PIG LIKE RUSH LIMBAUGH! GET UP!
Joe: x_x My name is not o—

!!BAM!!

*A reverse roundhouse kick knocks Joe ONTO the apron! He scrambles back into the ring while Sarah climbs onto the apron herself.*

Sarah: YOU DID THIS TO YOURSELF OBIDEN!

*She springboards into the ring, hitting a flying KICK to the face! Joe corkscrews from the impact, landing face first on the canvas! As he climbs to his knees, Sarah retreats to the corner, warming her foot up for the big Randy Orton PUNT!*

Bob: I’m thinking she’s getting ready to put the VP away!

Sarah: GOODNIGHT OBIDEN!
Joe: >=|!!!

*Sarah explodes out of the corner, only to be SPEARED by the VP!*

Crowd: OOOHHH!!

Ralph: OH NO! OBIDEN REVERSES!
Bob: …

Joe: IT’S BIDEN, BITCH!

*Joe reverses his hold, locking on Bryan Danielson’s “Cattle Mutilation!” Sarah’s not locked in the hold for more than a few seconds before…*

Sarah: *TAPS!!* X_X

!!DING DING DING!!

Ralph: OH WHAT THE—
Bob: IT’S OVER! PALIN DID WHAT SHE DOES BEST! QUITTING! IT’S OVER! IT’S OVER!

*Biden lets go to a massive ovation, reaching out to the ring announcer and grabbing a couple of O’Douls non-alcoholic beer!*

Bob: quick, impressive victory over Sarah Palin!
Ralph: ….

Winner: Joe Biden

Arzie: The following is the FAT VS. FATTER MATCH AND IS SCHEDULED FOR ONE FALL!

Bob: These matches are getting worse. >_<

Arzie: Introducing first, making her way down the aisle, hailing from New Jersey…. She weighs a massive SIX HUNDRED POUNDS… DONNNAAA SIMPSONNNNN!!

*Donna comes down the aisle, riding a motorized cart! What?! Walking burns calories! e_e

Ralph: D:!! HOLY CRAP!
Bob: Donna is going for the record of 1000 lbs.. and is a current model on a BBW porn site…
Ralph: a fetish for bitches THIS big!? Who the hell?!
Bob: let me check your internet history on your laptop.
Ralph: O_O N..NO!

*UCTF Ring crew members have to LIFT this bitch into the ring because she is insistent on not firing one muscle on her own! While they struggle…*

Arzie: And her opponent, hailing from Springfield, USA… He is one of the fattest men on the planet… HOMMERRRR JAAYYYY SIMPSONNNN!!!

*Homer comes down to an insane ovation from the crowd!*

Bob: Homer is an awesomely fat man, who’s almost defeated our very own Kakarott in an eating contest several years ago, but I don’t even think HE can stand up to the beast that is… almost in the ring. o_o
Ralph: Yeah. It looks like she could probably eat him for a midnight snack o_o

Homer Simpson vs. Donna Simpson

*Donna’s FINALLY placed in the ring, where she quickly collapses in the corner ala Raven! Only in her case, she’s not depressed, her legs simply cannot support her weight!*

Everyone: o_o…

Ref: e_e Ring the Bell and let’s get this shit over with.

!!DING DING DING!!

*With the match officially under way, Homer attacks his much larger opponent! He gives her some of his best punches, punches that have even put Ex President George HW Bush himself on his ass! This time however, they have ZERO effect!*

Homer: o_o uh oh

*Her MASSIVE mounds of fat absorb the hits, returning the energy back into Homer which knock him across the ring! I mean, this bitch is KINGPIN fat! She’s SO FREAKING FAT THAT–*

Torneco: o_o damn that bitch is fat.

*In Hell*

Fat Abbott: o_o damn. That white bitch is fat!

*SHE’S THAT FAT*

Bob: Homer’s attacks have no effect!
Ralph: she’s snorlax fat o_o

*Homer continues his vain attempt at an attack, being knocked backwards with each attempt! Finally, he thinks to come up with a new strategy…*

Homer: Oh Donna… ^___^
Donna; O_O!

*He pulls out a bag of skittles, an idea that was a good idea on paper!*

Donna: FOOD. E_E

*BUT NOT IN EXECUTION! DONNA STANDS UP AND SPEAERS HOMER THROUGH THE RING!*

Crowd: OOOHHH!!

Bob: UH OH! HE’S AWAKENED THE BEAST!
Ralph: RUN HOMER! O_O

Donna: FOOD E_E

*Homer manages to climb back to his feet! Swinging soup bones as fast and as hard as he can, he doesn’t manage to DENT his opponent, who smacks him through a crowd barrier outside the ring!*

Ralph: OH SHIT!!

*Homer somehow climbs back to his feet and now FLEES for safety! Donna follows behind him as they disappear into the back!*

Everyone: D:…

Ralph: Should the uhh.. cameras follow them??
Bob: Nah, I’m sure it’ll resolve itself by the end of the night.

Winner: ???

*Meanwhile, in the CWC Torture Chamber…*

Good day, I wish to, uh, make an announcement, uh, upon the side note, uh, aside from my usual work blagh would like to, uh, blagh make a claim, uh, make it obvious of to the creators of, uh, my favorite br- one of my favorite brand of, uh, body spray: AXE. [Presents AXE spray] Apparently it ha- it has come to my attention that, uh, bunch of, uh, people of the, uh, wrong orientation are, uh, using the, uh, AXE brand, ah, by which I mean particularly the, uh, homosexuals.

Eh eweh thusly a stereotype has been, uh, m- has been made if you, uh, if, has been made apparently, uh, has been made apparently ‘you be gay if you wore AXE.’ That’s so stupid it’s not I mean it’s not true I mean I’m straight and I have been using AXE for years. [Presents AXE again] I’m a proud sub- I’m a proud user of AXE ‘cos originally as it was originally intended for and I quote: [Reading label] “Effective deodorant protection designed to seduce the ladies” and then later, uh, when they expanded to, uh, the, uh, shower gel they continued with that in saying, uh, “ah kee—dr—kee—nahh let’s see. Hydrates your skin leavin’ it so pure that she’ll th—that she-ll think she’s the first one to touch it,” and then later again in, uh, shampoo it says here [Reading label] “Get girl approved hair. Wash, attract, repeat.”

Even though, uh, the comments, the, uh, comments, uh, sound, uh, sexist, uh, as I have learned, uh, on, uh, on their page on Wikipedia [gasp] I still feel that, uh, I have been at, uh, I still feel that, uh, is, uh, a big, uh, a big misuse and complete immoral act that the homosexuals take use of our of the AXE brand which is prefer- which is dimensionally and originally oriented towards the straight people. I mean men attract ladies. It means they’re straight. They want to attract the ladies they’re straight. Please, okay, that didn’t come out right but my point is anyway, uh, AXE is more straight is more meant for straight people: straight men who wish to attract the straight, nyell, the ladies.

Kunoi: e_e… I have to think about something else.. ok.. ok x_x Korea sucks.. China sucks.. Brazil sucks.. yeah.. I got revenge on Xiu…. I—

The straight men who wish to attract the ladies and I have been the proud us—prow user of AXE throughout the many bre—throughout the many, uh, variations, ehmore to come and more out there to [stuttering] out there to market and I’m sure, other than the body spray, the ehshower gel and the shampoo. In any case, AXE was adridgionally meant for, and should remain, only for the straight men who wish to attract the women. It is not meant for a homosexual dude to attract another homosexual dude. Ahem. Ticks me off. It really does.

So I hope that, uh, the aff—that the, uh, Unilever the company that creates the AXE products, uh, sees this, uh, video on the YouTube and also, uh, would like also, uh, I would like t- to, uh, well I’d be say— I’d be, uh, I would be sound like, uh, some kind of bad person if I tell ‘em to not sell to the homosexuals but I wa—but it should be more obvious from the package that it is meant for straight people. Y’know and also I would like to make the following statement to all homosexuals who dare use it. You homosexuals, stay off of our AXE!

Kunoi: THIS ISN’T GOING TO WORK SASA E_E YOU CAN’T BREAK ME. YOU HEAR ME?! YOU CAN’T BREAK ME!

*Elsewhere, in the Presidential Suite…*

Sasa: e_e alright Kunoi. I didn’t want to do this… well.. I’m a liar e_e I’ve been waiting to do this all day. Reiji. Turn on the “RECYCLING” video. >=)

Reiji: CAW. e_e

*UH OH*

Ralph: The… “Recycling” video?
Bob: I don’t want to know, Ralph.

Arzie: The Following is our EATING CONTEST!

Crowd: YAAAAYYYY!!!!

Bob: Our Gluttonous Tradition has finally arrived!
Ralph: Eating contest time! Though, I wonder.. how in the hell did we bring all three of these dead motherfuckers back to life?

*Backstage*

Lo-Ruhamah: e_e Alright, there Sasa. But now you owe me.
Sasa: well, considering that you’re responsible for that loser XAMOT being around, I’d say we’re just about even. e_e

*Back at ringside…*

Arzie: Tonight’s main course will be… VICODIN!!

*Clothes covering the serving tables show MOUNDS of Vicodin pills!*

Bob: classy…
Ralph: holy crap, who stole the prescription book?!
Bob: I don’t know, but here comes Brittany Murphy.
Ralph: =( She was my favorite in Clueless…
Bob: and now out comes Corey Haim!
Ralph: and he was my favorite in Lost Boys ;_;
Bob: And finally, Heath Ledger making his way down…
Ralph: 10 Things I Hate About you is like the awesomest movie of all time!
Bob: o_o… and they call me gay…

Pill Eating Contest
Corey Haim vs. Brittany Murphy vs. Heath Ledger

Arzie: The rules are simple. The competitor who consumes the most amount of Vicodin in three minutes will be declared the winner! LET’S GET IT ON!

!!DING DING DING!!

Bob: The match has begun, and these dope heads are predictably going to work!
Ralph: You know, these contests make me miss Kakarott. =(
Bob: I’m sure he’ll be revived a few more times before next year. Maybe if he’s not between lives he’ll be able to participate in a contest.

*I’ll say it again… This idea was very good, ON PAPER. Execution? Not so much! It only takes a few seconds and a few hundred pills before all three of our participants are COMPLETELY out of it! *

Everyone: …

Ralph: LMFAO
Bob: this fed is going to hell in a hand basket o_o

!!CRASH!!

Everyone: *TURNS TO THE ENTRANCE* O_O

*The debacle of a match is quickly interrupted by HOMER SIMPSON being knocked through the Jumbotron!*

Bob: HOLY HELL HOMER’S JUST BEEN PUT THROUGH OUR SCREEN!
Ralph: o_o Hmm. You were right Bobby. This is going to be resolved.

Homer: OH GOD SOMEBODY HELP ME
Donna: e_e COME HERE.

*It’s Donna Simpson! The pursuer of the title “World’s Largest Woman!” In her hands she has a giant turkey leg that she stole from the catering table backstage! Homer crawls his way into the ring with the enraged fatty close behind!*

Bob: GET HER OUTTA THERE REF WE’RE TRYING TO HAVE A MATCH!
Ralph: Oh sweet! A match within a match! haven’t had one of these in years!

Homer Simpson vs. Donna Simpson

*Donna charges into Homer who hits a drop toe hold! The giant falls into one of the serving tables and her face falls right into the mountain of Vicodin Pills!*

Her: X_X

Everyone: ….

Her: MMM.. E_E TASTY!

Everyone: D:!!!

Guy in the Crowd: THAT’S A HUGE BITCH O_O

*Donna knocks Homer out of the way and goes INSANE on the stash! Heath, Corey, and Brittany, in their drugged out rage attack Donna at once! NOT A GOOD IDEA!*

Donna: >=|! GET OUT OF THE WAY!

*She kicks Heath away while grabbing the other two participants by their skulls! She pops her jaw out of place and SWALLOWS BOTH OF THEM WHOLE*

Everyone: O_O!!

*And that’s when everyone in the arena realizes this is not the best situation to be in! Fans begin to leave their seats and leap over each other in attempt to escape the arena!*

Homer: HEATH GET UP! WE HAVE TO STUFF AS MANY OF THESE PILLS INTO HER MOUTH AS POSSIBLE!
Heath: but… my Stash! ;_;
Homer: DO IT!

*Homer and Heath grab the table and chuck the entire thing into her mouth*

Homer: EAT THIS!!

Ralph: They’re trying to overload her!
Bob: It looks like it’s working, and it only took 10,000 pills to do it!

*Donna is staggered!*

Heath: Hey, Donna! Let me show you a trick. e_e

*Ledger pulls out a PENCIL*

Bob: OH NO! OH GOD NO!!

*He drives the pencil into the table.*

Bob: HE’S GOING TO DO IT!

*He turns to Donna Simpson!!*

Bob: HE’S REALLY GOING TO DO IT!

*HOW MUCH LONGER CAN I DRAW THIS OUT*

Bob: HE’S GOT HER!

*Heath SLAMS her face first into the pencil!*

Crowd: *PUKES ALL OVER THE PLACE!*

*Homer covers!*

Ref: 1……. 2……… 3!!!

!!DING DING DING!!

Bob: Homer wins! Give the assist to Heath Ledger!
Ralph: x_x what the hell is going on in this place?

Winner: Homer Simpson

Arzie: LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, YOUR WINNER, HOMER SIMPSON!!

Crowd: *POPS*

Arzie: As well as the eating contest timer expiring, giving the victory to Heath Ledger!

Crowd: *POPS AGAIN!*

Winner: Heath Ledger

Bob: Well, that was… interesting.
Ralph: for sure. o_o and hey, Heath’s back to life, thanks to Lo-Ruhamah. Maybe we can finally get a sequel to the dark kn.. oh wait. e_e he’s ODing on The Vicodin… yeah.. he’s dead.
Bob: HAPPY APRIL FOOLS DAY HEATH!

*Meanwhile… in the Kunio Ichigam torture chamber…*

Sasa: e_e Kunoi. It’s Me, Sasa. Look. Just give up.

Kunoi: SCREW YOU SASA. NOTHING YOU CAN SHOW ME WILL EVER… EVER MAKE ME GIVE UP E_E.

Sasa: …H_H Oh Kunoi.. How I was hoping you’d say that. REIJI. THE VIDEO.

*The television feed of Sasa slowly fades off.*

Kunoi: e_e…

*Chris appears in his room, dressed in a green bathrobe. His hair is disheveled.*

This is for my sweetest Ivy’s eyes only.

*Chris holds up a small disposable cup made of clear plastic. A thick, white liquid rests in a thin layer along the bottom.*

Here’s some of my, uh, cum I just masturborted out.

*He points at his own semen in the cup and brings it even closer to the camera.*

‘Bout to that much, that’s usually a lot.

*Chris holds a can of Fanta orange soda near the camera. He wears his Amnyfest Ring on his hand.*

Couldn’t find any chocolate syrup, but I have some orange soda.

*Chris cracks open the can of Fanta. He fills the bottom third of the Fapcup with soda. He swishes the soda and semen around, with an extremely disquieting smirk on his face.*

Well… bottoms up!

*He tilts back his head and drinks the cup of semen and Fanta.*

There you go, Ivy, orange-flavored cum. Hope you enjoyed that!

Kunoi: ……………………………… *POWERS UP* E_E!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

*uhh.. I think it’s safe to say…*

Winner: Christian Weston Chandler

*Back at the arena*

Bob: *THROWING UP*
Ralph: *THROWING UP* X_X

*THAT’S IT. SASA HAS FINALLY GONE TOO FAR! THE ENTIRE FUCKING ANIME ISLAND IS SHAKING*

Kunoi: HAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!

!!KAAAAAATHOOOOOOOOOOOOM!!

Reiji: o_o uhh… I think you won.
Sasa: SCREW THAT. GET EVERYTHING PACKED TOGETHER. ;_; WE’RE GETTING THE HELL OUT OF DODGE!

*Meanwhile, on the outskirts of Anime City…*

Lo-Ruhamah: GO FASTER YOU IDIOT! GET ME TO THE AIRPORT!

Cab Driver: ;_;!!!

*At Poad’s bar…*

Fujisawa: what the hell!?

Sano: I don’t know. Keep drinking.

*From the undisclosed location… well, the place that USED to be there, Kunoi slowly walks out into the night. He’s completely surrounded in ki, and he’s so damn angry, he’s CALM.*

Kunoi: Sasa e_e You have made a mistake.

*Kunoi charges towards The UCTF complex in a straight line… THROUGH businesses! Dan’s old dojo? GONE. Barf Burger?! GONE! Bryan Amethyst is a Giant Tool Memorial? Well, that manages to stay there without any harm. o_o*

Kuno: YOU’RE GONNA DIE SASA! YOU’RE GONNA DI—OOMMMPHHHH!

*The Grand Champion runs right into Vegeta. Yes. THAT Vegeta, who happens to be destroying part of the city himself!*

Vegeta: >=|!!! DRAGON BALL EVOLUTION!!… HUH?

Kunoi: ….

Vegeta: ….

Kunoi: You’re still destroying the City over that Dragon Ball movie?

Vegeta: Have you seen the Dragon Ball Movie?

Both: …….. *RESUMES DESTROYING THE CITY*

*Back in the arena…*

Bob: TIME TO GO RALPH! …Ralph?

*Bob turns to see Ralph has vacated the area again!*

Bob: HOW THE HELL DOES HE DO THIS?!

*The fans have resumed their escape attempt! Unfortunately for them, they’re already too late!*

!!KAATHHOOOOM!!

*The Grand Champion has punched a HOLE IN THE ARENA!*

Kunoi: SASA!! E_E I DON’T CARE IF THIS IS NON CANON OR NOT. I’M GOING TO KILL YOU TONIGHT!

*The Anime City Police Department are already there waiting for the champion!*

Kunoi: THAT’S IT?! YOU NEED MORE PEOPLE THAN THIS! HAAAA!!

*One tiny power up sends the ACPD packing!*

Bob: o_o oh well.. Looks like I get to Comment during my own death. I didn’t have that luxury last yea—

*One of the police officers crash into the booth taking out Bob and the entire structure with them!*

John Crosset: I’M HERE KUNIO!! OUR REMATCH AWA—

*Kunoi BREAKS HIS NECK*

Raven: o_o come on man. Calm down, he just had a little fanta. Me and Fubuki do that sorta thing all the—

*RUNNING KNEE TO RAVEN*

Fubuki: HEY ASSHOLE! THAT’S MY BOYFR—

*KATAHIZA*

William: HEY I’M BACK FROM CHINA FOR THE TIME BEING! WHAT’S UP?!

*BUISAKU KNEE KICK COMBO*

Miko: KUROI!

Kunoi: …

Miko: e_e calm down!

Kunoi: >=|

Miko: please? =(…

Kunoi: ……………. >=|……….. =( IT WAS HORRIBLE!!

*Kunoi FINALLY powers down to deep sighs of relief from the crowd. His girlfriend embraces him. How she loves this guy I’ll never know x_x*

Sasa: x_x oh.. oh thank God.

Reiji: *CAW*

*INDEED REIJI! Back at ringside…*

Miko: it’s ok now. It’s over. What happened?!

Kunoi: He.. Chris Chan.. They showed me…

*Kunoi whispers into Miko’s ear…*

Miko: ……………………………………….

!!!!!!!!KAAAAAAAAAAATHOOOOOOOOOOOMMMM!!!!!!

*Sasa’s wall is destroyed!*

Kunoi: >=|!!!

Miko: SASA!!! >=|

Sasa: lolfuck.

Reiji: lolcaw o_o

End.

Last Episode

*The video feed replays to the last episode of UCTF: Massacre, with Sasa Dark slowly sauntering down to the ring.*

Sasa: Tonight, I am allowing my favorite piece of scum the chance to begin making money again, as I’m officially REINSTATING Kunoi Ishigami back into active competition. In fact, I’m even going to place him in the main event next week, as he will face XIU SHIELDS’ on the next episode of Massacre. And Kunoi… I hope you win that match. =3 I want you to enjoy your last time ever winning a contest inside this Arena, because at the next pay per view, CYBERSLAM VIII You will be defending your championship TWICE in one night!!! This time Kunoi. You’re GOING to lose. You’re GOING to be embarrassed, because these two proved themselves not to be total failures at Ultimate Massacre II!

*The package flashes to X-23 and Inuyasha winning their respective tournaments to claim their Strong Woman and Strong Man championships.*

Sasa: YOU ARE LOOKING AT THE END OF KUNOI ISHIGAMI’S UCTF GRAND CHAMPONSHIP RUN! BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!

*The video package feed fades, before we cut to the inside of the UCTF Arena, where the fans are being showered by pyrotechnical explosions from the top of the open air arena!*

Bob: Ladies and Gentlemen! Welcome to tonight’s edition of UCTF: SATURDAY MASSACRE! I am Robert Hinden, along side my great colleague and friend, Ralph Gerard!
Ralph: Thanks, and I cannot WAIT for tonight’s broadcast! The #1 contender to the UCTF Grand Championship, Inuyasha will take on the OTHER #1 Contender, X-23 in tonight’s main event!
Bob: And let’s not forget the RETURN of Kunoi Ishigami, fresh off of his suspension will take on Xiu Shields! But right now, let’s join Arzie who’s preparing to introduce our opening match…

*We cut to the hard camera facing the ring, which displays the UCTF Ring Announcer Arzie, with RIC AUSTIN already inside the ring standing behind him. HOW DOES HE DO THAT?!?!*

Arzie: LAAADIESSS AND GENTLEMENNN!! WELCOME TO UCTF: MASSACRE!

Crowd: *POPS!*

Arzie: The following is our opening contest, and it is scheduled for one fall… Introducing first, already inside the ring… He is The Leader of the New NEW UCTF Revolution… RRIICCCCCC AUSTTTINNNN!!!!

*The masked superstar throws his fat arms into the air to a MASSIVE chorus of boos from the crowd!*

Arzie: And his opponent… making his UCTF debut…

*”Supervillain” by Powerman5000 keys up, bringing down the newest member of the UCTF roster…*

Arzie: hailing from the NEGAVERSE… he stands at an incredible six feet, seven inches, and weighs in tonight at one hundred, sixty one pounds… He is… ROOOSSIIIIIINNNTHORRRRNNN!

*The skinny, long haired warrior created in the labs of the Negaverse (Yes.. That negaverse. From Sailor Moon. e_e) slowly marches his way down the aisle.*

Bob: Rosinthorn, making his first trip down the aisle of the UCTF Arena… Will he be victorious in his debut against Ric Austin?
Ralph: As long as he’s not hit by a freakin’ meteor on his way down to the ring, of COURSE he is. Shit, I’m sure even if he’s hit by one, he’s still got one hell of an advantage over Austin…

*The Newb climbs through the ropes, prepared to make a name for himself in his first official match up…*

!!DING DING DING!!

Ric Austin vs. Rosinthorn

*The sound of the bell means our first match is underway, and Ric Austin quickly rushes into battle full speed! Swinging wildly, Ric misses Rosinthorn COMPLETELY as the villain simply teleports out of the way, causing Ric to fly face first into the turnbuckle in front of him! Rosinthorn reappears a nanosecond later, directly behind Ric Austin. His back is turned to the masked wrestler, showing blatant disrespect!*

Bob: Brilliant speed shown there by Rosinthorn!
Ralph: Look at him, he won’t even stand face to face with Ric!

*Ric stumbles back to his feet, befuddled and embarrassed, he charges back towards Rosinthorn once more! As he advances on his opponent, his movements slow down, until he’s literally stuck in his pose. It’s as if he’s trying to push an invisible door made of lead!*

Ralph: is.. is Rosinthron..
Bob: HOLDING RIC BACK SIMPLY THROUGH THE USE OF HIS KI! THIS IS INCREDIBLE!

*Never turning to face his opponent, Rosinthorn tosses Ric backwards with a mere THOUGHT! His telekinetic blast sends Ric rolling backwards into the corner like a bowling ball! The pudgy wrestler strikes the corner, and flails wildly under the bottom rope before he lands HEAD FIRST on the concrete floor below!*

Crowd: OOOOHHH!!

Bob: And Austin’s sent out of the ring with a sickening thud!
Ralph: Ok Ric, if you want to live to lose another day, just stay down on the outside of that ring! It doesn’t even look like Rosinthorn wants to fight you!

*Wise advice by Ralph, The Hentai commentator, but do you actually expect Ric Austin to listen?! As Rosinthorn curiously peers over the top rope, Ric springs from the floor, driving his forearm right into the Negaverse Villain’s crotch! Now, no matter who you are or how powerful you are, a blow to the gonads will ALWAYS work!*

Bob: RIC WITH THE LOW BLOW! RIC WITH THE LOW BLOW!

*Rosinthorn stumbles to the center of the ring, allowing Ric to climb into the squared circle, now brandishing a steel chair!*

Ric: ARRRGHHH!!!

!!POP!!

Crowd: *WINCES!*

*Ric, with murderous intent, swings the chair with all his might! It connects more than a half dozen times before the remains of the steel chair are unrecognizable! Ric almost collapses from fatigue, when Rosenthorn begins to slowly re-ascend to his feet. Panicked, Ric now begins his climb to the top rope with the fragments of the steel folding chair!*

Bob: Ric is going for all or nothing here!
Ralph: Spoiler alert folks at home, this isn’t going to work!

*Ric leaps off with the chair high above his head! BIG MISTAKE! Rosinthorn leaps into the air as well, catching the morbidly obese pro-wrestler midflight, and turning it into a JUMPING EMERALD FLOWSION in the center of the ring!*

Crowd: OOOOOOOOOOOHHHH!!

Ralph: mmhhmm..
Bob: GOOD GOD!! SOMEBODY CALL 9-1-1!

*The chair goes flying out of the ring, as Ric takes the deadly emerald flowsion like it’s death itself! Laying completely motionless and spread-eagled in the center of the ring, he is pinned with a simple foot placed across his chest by Rosinthorn!*

Ref: 1…… 2……. 3!!!!!!!!!!!

!!DING DING DING!!

Bob: AND IT’S OVER!
Ralph: wow.
Bob: Rosinthorn makes short work of Ric Austin in his debut, and will go onto bigger and better challenges! Welcome to the UCTF!

Winner: Rosinthorn

*Rosinthorn reaches into his breast pocket, pulling out a black rose before laying it gently into Ric Austin’s hand. He slowly turns and retreats from the ring as the camera gets one more shot of Austin completely unconscious! Meanwhile, Backstage, the camera catches the UCTF Grand Champion, Kunoi Ishigami entering the arena for the first time in SEVERAL months, and he’s not happy!*

Crowd: BOOOOOO!!

*He rushes past scared employees, making a B-line for his dressing room.*

Kunoi: OH XIU!! E_E IT’S ALMOST THAT TIME XIU. I HOPE YOU’RE READY.

Ralph: …I hope SSS’s little brother doesn’t show up tonight.
Bob: I… I actually agree with you. With all that pent up aggression Kunoi has right now, he might end up slaughtering that kid…

Arzie: The following matchup is scheduled for one fall! Introducing first, from Aht Urhgan, weighting in at 160 pounds, BLUUUU De’Ragnarok!!!

*Eternal Gravestones tunes up from the speakers as Blu De’Ragnarok walks down the ramp, fresh off his victory against Ric Austin! The bluish-dressed mage steps into the ring to prepare for his next opponent.*

Bob: And here’s Blu, who came off a devastating victory in his debut match!
Ralph: Honestly I think Ric Austin is just fodder for newbies to feel good about themselves. e_e
Bob: He may as well be, but now Blu is going to have to think up new spells against Xamot.
Ralph: Xamot needs to WIN a match or he’ll be an embarrassment to his friends in Hell!

Arzie: And his opponent, weighting in at 220 pounds in his human form… XAAAAMMOOOOTTTT!!!!

*Just then, Forever Torment plays as Xamot comes out, in his human form of course, with his slave Melinda walking behind him. The demon possessing Dre Alexander’s body glares at the mage as he steps into the ring and quickly enough the bell rings.*

*DING*

Bob: You think Xamot can finally score a win, this time against Blu?
Ralph: Maybe. I mean the only opponent Blu beaten so far was Ric Austin!

*Blu pulls out his Tizona sword, and comes in with a charge! Xamot only grins at the sight at such a weapon, and instead of a real Final Fantasy monster, he actually sidesteps the slash, grabs Blu by the back of the head, and throws him onto the turnbuckles.*

Blu: OOOOFF!! o_<!!

*But that’s not the end of it as Xamot charges up and executes the Soukeiha, and Blu gets sandwiched between the nasty move and the turnbuckle! Blu falls forward dazed, only for Xamot to grab him and then sends him FLYING high up in the air with a Koeikyaku, and then when Blu’s in mid-air, Xamot leaps up to catch him and powerbombs him back into the mat!*

Bob: Ooooh, Death Bomb!
Ralph: Xamot’s starting off at a frenzy here!
Bob: Wait… Xamot’s climbing up to the top rope… what is he gonna do?!

Xamot: RAAWRRR!!! >=|!!

*His body transform into a ball of energy in the form of a panther, hurling downward at Blu’s prone body!*

*THOOOOOOOOOOOOMMMMM!!!!!!*

*Xamot goes for an early pin!*

Ref: One…. two….

*But Blu kicks out just at the nick of time! Coughing, the mage decked in Near Eastern armor staggers up, only for Xamot to help him up by clutching him by the neck and hoist him in the air!*

Bob: Uh oh… looks like Xamot’s going for a chokeslam here!

*Indeed, but as Xamot lifts him by the neck, Blu chants a quick spell, and lets loose with a spell called… a Head Butt. Essentially that’s exactly what it is, but it’s enough to make Xamot let him go, and Blu lands on his feet!*

Blu: e_x… >=|

*He grabs both of his swords and go on the offensive! He steps in close enough and spins with a Circle Blade, cutting Xamot on the arms, and as soon as he stops, he channels his swords to glow and strikes him with the Seraph Blades! Then his swords turn into fire, smashing Xamot across the chest with Red Lotus Blade, sending Xamot over the ropes and crashes onto the steel barriers!*

Crowd: OOOOOHHH!!!

Xamot: ……. *growls*

*Blu steps back as Xamot suddenly transforms into his 7’3" demon form! As he climbs back into the ring, Blu frowns and charges with a Fast Blade attack, but it was Xamot who gets the last laugh here as he suddenly grabs Blu’s wrists to stop the attack, and his wing tips turn razor sharp…*

Ralph: Time for a blood donation, Blu!

Blu: O_O!!!!

*Xamot’s sharp wings stab onto Blu multiple times while the poor mage is being held, cutting some of his clothing to shreds and the flesh underneath to go with it! After what seems to be a minute and dozens of stabs later, Xamot finally throws him back onto the center of the ring, and laughs as Blu’s blood drips from his wing tips! Blu staggers up, realizing that this opponent is definitely no Ric Austin, and with a snarl, he channels another a spell, the Sickle Slash, sending a yellow energy something straight onto Xamot’s body, sending him to the ropes! Xamot roars and charges back, but Blu chants another spell, transforming his entire body into hardened Diamondhide! Xamot manages to strike him with his fist, but…*

Xamot: GAAAAHHHH!!!! x_x

*The strike hurt Xamot more than it hurt Blu! As Xamot staggers back, holding his wounded fist, Blu chants yet another spell, the Ram Charge, and the mat area underneath Xamot literally explodes, knocking Xamot to the ground. Blu takes a breather… and does a Convergence spell to increase his next spell by 25%. Exactly how that works in the real world here in the UCTF… not even the fight writer is exactly sure. Same thing with Magic and Hit Points. Maybe Damage Points, but a sword slash is a friggin’ sword slash, okay?! Have any of you noticed that Final Fantasy VI (released as Final Fanasty III in North America) is still the best game in terms of plot?! Then again that’s the fight writer’s opinion so… err where was I? OH! The match…*

Blu: e____e

*Using his earlier Convergence to his advantage, he chants a 1000 Needles spell! No, it’s not just some area south of the Badlands of World of Warcraft, as literally a thousand needles of energy splatters onto Xamot’s large body! The demon flies back onto a turnbuckle, groaning loudly… but he still has some fight left in him! Blu readies his swords to go for the final assault, but much to his surprise, Xamot roars and does a desperate Touch of Death! Merely touching the dark energy would make the bones explode!*

Bob: Oh no…. oh no, and Blu’s coming right for it!! O___O

Blu: O__O!!!

*BOOOOOOOOOOMMMMMMMMM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!*

Ralph: Woah, what the Hell?!

*Blu does a desperate move of his own, channeling a cannonball that smashes onto Xamot, knocking him straight to the mat! Now it’s Blu’s turn to go for the pin!*

Ref: One…. two…. three!!!!

Melinda: x_x *facepalm*

Ralph: Blu pulls off another win! Whew, that was a close one, getting in that attack before his bones explode or something!
Bob: Blu is still undefeated after two matches!

Winner: Blu De’Ragnarok

*Backstage, Kunoi Ishigami, now in his ring gear gleefully tapes up his wrists, all the while screaming to the top of his lungs. (YES, HE’S BEEN DOING THIS EVER SINCE HE ARRIVED.)*

Kunoi: ONLY A FEW MORE MINUTES XIU! E_E ONLY A FEW MORE MINUTES AND YOU PAY FOR PUTTING CHRIS CHAN IN MY ROOM. YOU HEAR ME?! YOUR LIFE IS RUNNING OUT OF TIME!

*Back in the main arena…*

Bob: …
Ralph: Xiu, stay away from the ring tonight ;_;!!

Arzie: Laaddiessss and Gentlemen… the following contest is scheduled for one fall!

Have Mercy on Me… a Sinner!

*Lo-Ruhamah storms to the ring, receiving an even bigger tirade of booing from the crowd than usual. I mean… did you SEE his last message to the UCTF a few days ago?! Be surprised that he actually made it to the arena in one piece!*

Arzie: Introducing first, the former UCTF World Champion… He is the Unloved one, Looooo-RUHAMAHHHH!!!

Crowd: BOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!

Bob: Ruhamah was in rare form in his come back match against Bat-Girl last episode…
Ralph: Yeah but where did it get him?
Bob: Be fair, Ralph! It was one slight mistake that cost him the match against the tag team champion. He seems to be more focused than before!

*”Eclipsed” begins playing, and out walks Dimitri.*

Arzie: and his opponent… making his way down the aisle… DIIIIMIITRRRIIIII!!

Bob: Fresh off of his victory over Xamot last week!
Ralph: In which he didn’t even break a sweat…
Bob: Dimitri looks to topple the legendary Lo-Ruhamah in UCTF competition!

*As the moments before the bell shorten, an obvious anxious expression grows quickly across the mug of the former World Champion!*

Dimitri vs. Lo-Ruhamah

!!DING DING DING!!

*And like a dog reacting to Pavlov bell, The Unloved one explodes out of his corner, charging towards Dimitri like a fat kid rushing towards Golden Corral! (Coincidentally, what Lo-Ruhamah himself was doing this time a year ago!) The Russian officer can’t react in time, and he’s victimized by a brutal pounding by Ruhamah in the corner!*

Bob: Lo not wasting any time here at the start of this match!

*Dimitri falls to the canvas and wisely rolls outside of the ring to create space! His reprieve doesn’t last long, however, as Lo has halfway over the top rope a split second later!*

Bob: Suicide dive by L—

!!CRUNCH!!

*Lo lands on top of Dimitri in an over the top rope Lou Thesz Press style mount before putting the fists to his opponent!*

Lo: THINK I’M GONNA LET YOU STEAL MY KI FROM ME LIKE THAT IDIOT XAMOT, YA COMMIE?!

Everyone: o_o

Ralph: Wow, he’s in a REALLY bad mood. Did you hear his radio broadcasts?
Bob: yeah, Tokyo Rose would be proud of him. e_e

*Ruhamah pulls Dimitri back to his feet before tossing the officer back into the ring. Methodically climbing in behind him, Lo draws his fist back, waiting for the perfect opportunity to land a big strike…*

Bob: Lo’s going for the knockout blow!

*Dimitri climbs to one knee right as Ruhamah goes for the big right cross! Unfortunately for the former World Champion, however, Dimitri catches his fist!*

Dimitri: …you’re right.

*Dimitri looks up, a smug smirk begins to swell on his face.*

Dimitri: I won’t need those powers to defeat you. >=)
Lo: D:!!

*The Russian’s grip on Lo’s fist tightens to bone shattering levels before hitting a SICKENING overhead Judo throw! Not letting go of Lo’s arm, Dimitri easily twists the former champion’s limb, forcing him to roll over onto his stomach! Dimitri mounts and PUNISHES The Unloved one with several vicious strikes to the back of the head!*

Bob: Dimitri with a SLAM to the canvas!
Ralph: Lo’s mouth gets him punched in the face again. Why am I not surprised?

*The former champion battles back to his feet WITH Dimitri perched on his shoulders! He quickly drops off, only to fall victim to one of Lo’s patented knife-edge chops! The Russian eats a series of blows, before firing back with a straight jab of his own. This powerful punch staggers Lo backwards for a split second, before the tenacious SOB charges back with a wild lunging strike! Not the smartest of moves against a military trained warrior like Dimitri! He turns Lo’s momentum against himself, sending Ruhamah stumbling a few steps past him, managing to hit nothing but air! Dimitri quickly grabs Lo, lifting him into the air for a toss, only to be pounded in the side of the skull with an elbow!*

Bob: Dimitri reverses, only to have the reversal reversed by Lo!
Ralph: …

*Lo quickly grabs Dimitri’s arm and twists the Russian over for the “Purgatory Whip!” Dimitri risks breaking his arm by RIPPING his limb out of the hold before being thrown end over end. As he staggers backwards while favoring his arm, Lo quickly strikes once more, using Dimitri as a step ladder with the Heavenly Step Kick!*

Bob: HEAVENLY STEP K—

*At the Apex of the Heavenly Step Kick Attack, Lo swings his body around violently in attempt to finish the strike with a big roundhouse to the back of Dimitri’s skull! The Russian telegraphs the move, BARELY ducking under the kick! Lo lands on one foot slightly off balance, easy pickings for Dimitri, who snatches on a headlock from behind!*

Ralph: That’s not good!

*As Dimitri drives Lo-Ruhamah forward to land his “Setting Sun” technique, Lo uses all of his energy to shove The Russian off of him! The brute strength manages to help Lo slip his head out of the lock, and sends Dimitri tumbling chest first into the ropes! Dimitri rebounds, right into the waiting arms of The Former World Champion, who delivers a DEVASTATING German Suplex in the center of the ring!*

Bob: German Suplex connects!

*Lo rolls over, keeping the waistlock connected!*

Bob: Lo’s got the hold locked still! We’ve seen this before!

*Lo pops his hips once more, sending Dimitri backwards with a second Brutal German Style Suplex!*

Bob: Lo powers back to his feet! Dimitri is still locked!

*He throws Dimitri backwards for a third German Suplex, but the Russian flips completely backwards and lands on his feet behind him! Grabbing Lo quickly by the skull, he drives the former World Champion face first into the canvas!*

Ralph: Christ!
Bob: Dimitri slips out and makes Lo pay!

*Dimitri quickly attempts to lock on another submission maneuver onto his dazed opponent, but he’s not fast enough! Lo quickly rolls to his feet! Dimitri quickly goes for a punch which is blocked high, followed by a low kick to the mid-section! He doubles over, allowing Lo to set him up for a powerbomb!*

Bob: Lo back in control in this quick paced ma—

*Right when Lo tosses Dimitri onto his shoulders for the powerbomb, Dimitri slips out of the hold and responds with a neck shattering roundhouse kick to the face! Both men, now off balance, stumble backwards! The ropes of the squared circle rebound both men, as they both lunge toward each other at terminal velocity! The added momentum from the ropes launch both men high in the air, as they both attempt a jump kick at the simultaneously!*

Bob: BOTH MEN AIRBORNE!

*The deliver a stunning, double split kick that connect CLEAN mid-flight! Dimitri and Lo-Ruhamah crash next to each other on the canvas… spread eagled and motionless after jarring each other with tandem kicks to the dome!*

Bob: AND THEY BOTH CRASH AND BURN!
Ralph: That could not have felt good!
Bob: Agreed! But to their credit, they’re both getting up after kicks that would have put down an elephant!

*Lo and Dimitri slowly climb back to their feet, and along the way, battle each other with unprotected strikes to the face! This contest has now turned into a test of will! Who can take the most punishment head on?!*

Bob: Neither man is backing down here! This could be the makings of a CLASSIC con—WHAT THE HELL?!

*Two figures enter the ring and blindside BOTH Ruhamah and Dimitri with a powerful set of clotheslines that send the weary warriors to the canvas!*

Ralph: Is that… that new guy?
Bob: YES! It’s Rosinthorn! What in the HELL is he doing out here, and who is that with him?!

*The Referee attempts to keep the new competitor in the UCTF at bay along with his partner, but he is sent over the top rope for his troubles! Rosinthorn drops a jagged shard of metal in the center of the ring…*

Ralph: There goes the ref… and what the hell did he just drop?
Bob: I don’t… I have no idea WHAT is going on right now.

Winner: No Contest

*Now directing traffic, Rosinthorn instructs his partner to lift the prone Lo-Ruhamah back to his feet*

Bob: Rosinthorn, for whatever reason is taking it to Ruhamah!

*He abides, before hitting the ropes and LEVELING Ruhamah with a running elbow to the back of the head! The Unloved one falls forward into the arms of Rosinthorn, who quickly delivers the Jumping Emerald Flowsion in the center of the ring! While this happens, his nameless partner slowly points to the entrance of the Arena…*

Bob: FALL FROM GRACE by Rosinthorn!! Good Lord what a move!
Ralph: Uhh… Bob, check the entrance.
Bob: LDFKAJDSL;FJ WHAT THE HELL?!

*Four beings, dressed from head to toe in black, roll a casket made purely from iron down the aisle… it is becoming increasingly clear that Rosinthorn has had this attacked planned for a VERY long time! Once the Casket makes it’s rest at the edge of the ring, the unnamed individuals slowly open the structure. The unconscious Lo-Ruhamah is easily punted out of the ring and into the casket! The doors are closed as Rosinthorn and his partner stand on top of the structure, their arms in the air in front of a hushed silence of the UCTF Capacity Crowd!*

Ralph: Um… not that he doesn’t deserve regular beatings like this… WHY!?

*More officials rush down to the ring to FINALLY separate the men from Ruhamah, meanwhile, more officials check on Dimitri…*

Bob: I have no idea Ralph! Not a clue! But you can bet your bottom damn dollar that they will have hell to pay. Not only did they attack Lo-Ruhamah, but they put their hands on Dimitri. o_o
Ralph: …

*Backstage, Kunoi Ishigami, The UCTF Grand Champion is ready to go. You can almost see the smirk on his face! (Come on, It’s Kunoi, this guy NEVER Smiles! You know someone is in serious trouble!)*

Kunoi: TIME’S UP, XIU E_E YOU’RE DONE SON! AS SOON AS THEY CLEAN UP THOSE WORTHLESS IDIOTS OUT THERE, YOUR ASS IS MINE!

*Elsewhere, in a dark area of the Arena, Xiu has been listening to Kunoi Ishigami’s rants all night, and he’s not afraid.*

Xiu: …e_e *takes a sip of mountain dew.*

Arzie: Ladies and Gentlemen, the following contest is scheduled for one fall….

!!A LOADED GOD COMPLEX
COCK IT AND PULL IT!!

Bob: Well… here we go!
Ralph: DEADMAN WALKING! DEADMAN WALKING!

Arzie: Introducing first, on his way down the aisle, he is the keyblade slinging son-of-a-gun, XIIUUUU SHIIIEEELLDDSSSS!

*The former assistant of Jeice makes his way down the aisle while Fallout Boy plays on the speakers behind him. He attempts to ignore the expressions of pity directed towards him by the UCTF Capacity Crowd, as he’s preparing to face a very angry Japanese man in a few short moments.*

Arzie: Anddd his opponent…

*As “Water Pow” interrupts Arzie, Kunoi storms his way down the aisle with a sadistic/crazed look in his eye!*

Arzie: And his opponent, The Ultimate Crossover Tournament Fighting League’s Grand CHA—

*Arzie is drowned out by the screaming from the champ as his fast paced walking transforms into a full sprint! Kunoi’s jacket and Grand Title have been left behind half way up the ramp as he dives face first into the ring!*

Kunoi: THAT’S YOUR ASS XIU!! YOU’RE DONE RIGHT NOW!

*Ishigami instantly goes for the double leg, only for Xiu to leapfrog over the champion. Kunoi pops back up to his feet in an instant and attempts to decapitate Xiu with the BUSAIKU KNEE KICK right the little blue haired warrior rebounds from the ropes! Xiu quickly rolls under the strike before pouncing to the top rope in a single bound! Kunoi turns just in time to eat a drop kick right in the face!*

Ralph: OH SH—

!!DING DING DING!!

Kunoi Ishigami vs. Xiu Shields

*No sooner than Kunoi’s shoulders hit the canvas, he kicks back up to his feet virtually unharmed, and even MORE angry than before!*

Xiu: D:!!

*He dives for Xiu, who baseball slides between the SHOOTO legend’s legs! He ends up on the apron, with Ishigami reaching over the top rope to grab him! He throws his legs over his head, locking them around Kunoi’s neck!*

Bob: This could get interesting!

*He powers his legs down, sending the Grand Champion spiraling over the top rope and to the concrete with a HUUUUGE Hurricanrana!*

Bob: Kunoi sent flying!

*Ishigami slowly climbs to his feet, while inside the ring, Xiu is gaining momentum from the ropes! Shields uses the referee’s back as a springboard, NAILING The Destroyer from Sapporo with a suicide dive!*

Ralph: JESUS!
Bob: I can’t believe I’m seeing Kunoi getting the snot knocked out of him!

*As both men slowly get up from the train wreck they caused on the ramp, Xiu grabs a hold of the UCTF Platinum Grand Championship title that Kunoi abandoned earlier and prepares to take the The Destroyer out!*

Bob: I think Xiu’s going for the knock-out blow, here!

*Xiu spins around at with reckless abandon with the twenty-five pound belt, only to have Kunoi DUCK the swing! The Champion grabs Xiu, FINALLY, and makes Shields pay with a devastating exploder suplex right on the concrete! *

Bob: XIU MAKES HIS FIRST MISTAKE AND PAYS FOR IT WITH A NASTY EXPLODER!
Ralph: Yeah… That’s his ass! He should have escaped when he had the chance!

*Kunoi methodically lifts Xiu back to his feet by his blue locks, only to have the Keyblade wielder connect with a surprise forearm to the genitals! Ishigami’s eyes roll into his head from the pain, allowing Xiu to toss the Grand Champion into the steps at full steam!*

!!CRACK!!

*The Champs face connects with the steps, sending the structure flying across the floor! Meanwhile, Xiu has reclaimed the Grand Championship belt! This time, the dazed Kunoi’s reaction time isn’t fast enough! The Platinum cracks him across the forehead, sending the champion onto the apron!*

Bob: XIU CONNECTS!!
Ralph: Did that knock him back… INTO the ring?!

*Kunoi’s body slowly rolls back into the ring. Not a good place for the Grand Champion to be! The Nimble Xiu hops to the top rope again, and prepares to make the biggest upset victory of the year in the UCTF!*

Bob: Xiu up top!!

*Xiu comes off, performing a picture perfect 450 degree spin, into a legdrop right across the FACE of Kunoi Ishigami! He swiftly rolls ontop of his opponent!*

Ref: 1….. 2….. 2.9999999!!

*But it’s not to be! The Champion kicks out!*

Bob: Xiu just barely avoids the upset of the century!
Ralph: Yeah right… Shields’ always snatch defeat from the jaws of victory.
Bob: uhh.. you know, I don’t think he’s ACTUALLY a Shields…
Ralph: DOES HE HAVE BLUE HAIR OR NOT? >=|

*Regardless of the kid’s Genealogy, Xiu remains in control of the matchup thus far! Balling up his hands, He begins to produce a flaming type aura of ki around his wrists in the form of Dragon’s claws!*

Bob: Xiu manifesting some kind of battle energy!

*He lunges into the Grand Champion, unloading a flurry of burning slashes about Kunoi’s body, circling him with a blur of red and blue!*

-Somewhere in Metropolis-

Clark: *SNEEZE*

-Back in the Arena-

Kunoi: STAND STILL!

*Xiu ducks a powerful, yet SLOW haymaker, punishing the Grand Champ with a stiff elbow to the gut! He then pivots his body towards Kunoi, NAILING The Destroyer with a palm strike directly to the sternum with enough brute force to lift Ishigami off of his feet!*

Bob: Kunoi taken off his feet!

*He ONE PATTERNS above Kunoi, and crushes the champion back to the canvas with a DBZ style Meteor Strike attack!*

!!KAAAATHOOOOM!!

Bob: METEOR STRIKE! METEOR STRIKE!

*The smoke clears to reveal Kunoi laying face first, motionless in the center of the ring. *

Ralph: Holy sh—I thought Kunoi was put THROUGH the ring with that last move!
Bob: So this must be the “Z-Level” strength I’ve heard about from this kid. He maybe have just knocked out the toughest bastard on our roster with very little effort!

*As Xiu slowly descends, The Destroyer’s hand slowly begins to move… The Champion is very much awake, and VERY MUCH PISSED!

Kunoi: e_e… Alright. That’s how you want to play it Xiu?! THAT’S HOW YOU WANT TO PLAY IT!?!? ARRRGHHHH!!!

!!KAAATHHHHOOOOMM!!

*For the second time in his career in the UCTF, Kunoi powers up, unlocking his hidden potential, and we now have a match!*

Bob: oh no! Kunoi’s unlocking that ability he used against Yugo Ogami!
Ralph: Xiu just might have pissed the wrong guy off o_o

*Not given Kunoi the opportunity to fully power up, Xiu launches himself towards the Grand Champion while focusing every bit of his battle aura into his feet!*

Xiu: ARRRGHHHH!!

*Xiu draws back, nailing the Champion in the side of the neck with a platinum ki powered roundhouse kick!! Kunoi’s neck bends to a fourty five degree angle, but the Champion doesn’t even so much as WINCE in pain! You can almost SEE the moment Xiu loses all control of his body fluids from fear!*

Xiu: O_O!

Ralph: UH OH!!!

*Shield’s darts backward quickly, but Kunoi is ALREADY BEHIND HIM! A knife edge chop from the champion connects!*

Bob: GOOD LORD Xiu just bounced off the damn ground from ONE SLAP!
Ralph: Yep… the bad times are about to begin here!
Bob: To his credit, Xiu is back to his feet already, and with glowing fists!
Ralph: Should have stayed down!

*Now being followed by a trail of sparkling light emanating from his very fists, Xiu challenges the powered up Kunoi Ishigami head on!*

Xiu: HA! HA!

*As his controlled frenzy of punches are parried away by the Champion, Xiu surprises The Destroyer with a HEADBUTT! Kunoi staggers half a step backward…*

Kunoi: …*checks himself* … >=|!!
Xiu: O_O

*Kunoi comes back with twice as many punches, at TWICE the speed! Xiu is clobbered from one corner of the ring to the other!*

Bob: ISHIGAMI OPENING UP A CAN ON XIU!
Ralph: Xiu go to the nuts again! It’s your only chance!

*Xiu throws himself backward into the corner, and out of pure desperation, kicks the champion in the face with dual boots! Kunoi rolls backwards, giving the kid seconds of breathing room to pounce to the top rope!*

Bob: ALL OR NOTHING FOR XIU!

*Xiu flies off the top rope and lands RIGHT ON KUNOI’S SHOULDERS*

Kunoi: >=D!!!!!!!!

Bob: KUNOI’S GOT HIM!

*Kunoi tosses Xiu into the air and throws his Busaiku Knee Kick, only to have it caught mid-flight by Xiu, who reverse it into a Dragon Screw Leg throw!*

Crowd: *POPS!!!*

Ralph: HOLY SH-
Bob: HE REVERSED THE KNEE KICK! THAT DAMN MOVE HAS ENDED CAREERS!
Ralph: His brother’s career!
Bob: Yea—e_e

*Shields’ is back to his feet first, and finally, the time for playing is OVER.*

Bob: I think Xiu is—YES! KEYBLADE!

Kunoi: …

*Kunoi looks up in time to see the Keyblade SPINNING toward him! Xiu unleashes a fury of slashes, followed by a brutal series of knees, into an uppercut that lifts him off his feet! Xiu leaps above him, nailing the champion with a keyblade assited meteor strike! Arriving on the canvas BEFORE Kunoi, Xiu drives the butt of the keyblade INTO the falling Kunoi’s midsection! A trail of blue ki follows behind him!*

Xiu: …ANIMA LEONISSSS!!

*An explosion of ki in the form of a giant Lion’s head engulfs Kunoi, as it’s roar fills the UCTF Arena!*

!!KAAAATHHHOOOOMMMM!!!

…………….

*The crowd goes into a hush, as Smoke fills the arena. As Xiu falls to one knee, completely exhausted, the fans around the world wait to see if they’ve witnessed Kunoi Ishigami’s first loss in WHO KNOWS how many years at this point!*

Ref: uhh.. o_o ring the be—

Kunoi: AAAARRRGHHHH!!!

Everyone: O_O!!

*Kunoi leaps THROUGH the fog! He’s on fire from the Anima Leona attack, and more enraged than ever before! *

Kunoi: CHRISTIAN WESTON CHANDLER!
Xiu: LOL-FU—

*Xiu swings the Keyblade out of desperation one last time, only for Kunoi to SPRINGBOARD off of the weapon and NAIL Shields with a flying Busaiku Knee!*

Crowd: OOOOH!!!

Ralph: JESUS TAP DANCING CHRIST!!

*OPEN HAND SLAP TO THE FACE! ANOTHER! BACKHAND! SECOND BACKHAND TO THE FACE, SPINNING BUSAIKU KNEE! Xiu spins 180 degrees, allowing Kunoi to lock on the Katahajime choke! Kunoi pops his hips, delivering the CHOKE SLEEPER SUPLEX! Xiu bounces off his head before his body comes to a rest spread eagled on the canvas! Kunoi mounts quickly, unleashing a brutal series of unanswered one armed bombs directly to the face!*

Bob: Kunoi unleashing hell on Xiu Shields!! This is not good!

*Finally the referee DIVES into Kunoi, separating the two before The Champion can inflict any permanent damage on Xiu, and that’s IT!*

!!DING DING DING DING DING!!

Everyone: D:!!

*Kunoi, doing what he does best, effectively sucks the life directly from each and every fan praying for his demise in a matter of seconds! This match is OVER!*

Arzie: Ladies and Gentlemen, the winner of this match… The UCTF Grand Champion, KUUNOOIIII ISHIGAMIIII!!!

Winner: Kunoi Ishigami

*Ishigami stalks the Unconscious Xiu, but the referee quickly throws himself in between the two competitors! Kunoi thinks wisely of the situation, slowly turning and leaving the ring! It’s safe to say he’s proven his point after an impressive victory!*

Ralph: I actually thought Xiu was on the verge of winning there.
Bob: Who the hell didn’t?! He hit Kunoi with damn near everything in his arsenal! Kunoi is some kind of machine!

*We quickly cut to the backstage area, where The dog Demon, Inuyasha watches Kunoi retreat to the back.*

Bob: But can even the Grand Champion withstand the force that is the Dog Demon, Inuyasha? The almost invulnerable Grand Champion is on a collision course with Kunoi Ishigami! He will take on the other #1 contender to the Grand Championshp, X-23 NEXT UP!

Arzie: Ladies and Gentlemen, the following is our MAIN EVENT CONTEST!

Crowd: *MASSIVE POP!*

*Story of the Year’s epic “We Don’t Care Anymore" begins playing, bringing down The Clone…*

Arzie: Introducing first, making her way down to the ring, she is one half of the UCTF Tag Team Champions.! She is the UCTF Strong Woman Champion, and the number one Contender to the UCTF Grand Championship… She is… XXXX-23!!!!

Bob: X-23 earned her place after her impressive victory over Leona in the finals of the Strong Woman Tournament.
Ralph: Leona came to that tournament and dominated, but made an almost fatal mistake when she tried to explode Girl Wolverine here o_o.

*Her music dies down, leaving a momentary silence throughout the arena before “Hanyou Inuyasha” kicks up! The crowd pops hard as the red robe wearing half demon slowly steps out from behind the curtain.*

Arzie: And her opponent, He hails from the Feudal era of Japan… He is not only the winner of the UCTF Strong Man Tournament, but he simultaneously holds the Weaponmaster and UCTF Intergalactic Championships around his waist! He is ALSO the Number One Contender to the Ultimate Crossover Tournament Fighting League’s GRAND Championship! He is none other than the DOOOGG DEMON… INUUUYAAASHAAAAA!

Bob: Huh… I’m sensing a little Bias here from Arzie. O_o
Ralph: What are you talking about? Inuyasha doesn’t have all that stuff around his waist? >=|
Bob: no it’s just… and the double headed coin last week..
Ralph: Oh it’s his fault for htat?
Bob: No I’m just saying—
Ralph: You’re a hater, Bob. =\ All these years and I’m just now finding out you’re a player hater.
Bob: O_o Player Hater? Where’d you learn that Term?
Ralph: Urban Dictionary.

*The Double Champion hops over the top rope with ease. Both fighters surrender their gold to the referee, as he in turn releases the titles to the time keeper. The dual #1 contenders remain in the center of the ring. Not a muscle has moved between the two of them as their eyes remain locked on each other.*

Bob: Expect X-23 to turn up the intensity in this match up, after the way Sasa Dark and others have been downplaying her skills over the past few weeks.
Ralph: Oh here you go again! Stop trying to cause trouble here! It’s obvious these two share a mutual respect for each other and NOBODY out here is downplaying her skills!
Bob: mhm… e_e

*The referee sounds for the bell, and our main event match is underway!*

!DING DING DING!

X-23 vs. Inuyasha

*Ralph is actually right for once in his life. These two DO share a mutual respect for each other, that’s they they both POUNCE each other the second the bell sounds!*

Bob: The #1 contenders lunge toward each other immediately!

*X-23 catches the bruiser’s arm and quickly tosses him over her head with a well placed Judo throw! Inuyasha slams the ground with enough force to bring him BACK to his feet! Stumbled, he falls into the ropes before he’s rebounded back towards the center of the ring!*

Bob: The Intergalactic Champ quickly back to his feet!

*The momentum aids Inuyasha as he sails towards The X-man! He swings wildly again, accomplishing nothing more than opening himself up for a BIG open palm strike from X-23 right in the sternum! The strike halts him right in his tracks…*

Inuyasha: GRRR!!

*The brute leans in for another wild strike! Not a good idea! Left palm strike to the chin from The Clone, a right, low roundhouse to the knee, followed by a right spin-heel kick to the breadbasket! Inuyasha SLIGHTLY leans forward, right into a flying knee to the nose!*

Bob: X-23 taking it to the Intergalactic Champion!
Ralph: Inuyasha has that slow, brute strength… X-23’s speed and agility is definitely at an advantage…. o_o she better not ever let him grab a hold of her, though.

*THIS is true, especially now that Inuyasha is growing more and more frustrated with each missed strike!*

Inuyasha: Alright… you’re fast…
X-23: …
Inuyasha: But you HIT LIKE A GIRL!

*After getting every feminazi around the world into a seething rage, Inuyasha charges the Tag Team Champion again! He draws back!*

Inuyasha: IRON REAVER!! SOUL STEA—

*The champs patented strike is PARRIED AWAY by X-23 seconds before she follows up with a BIG roundhouse to the side of the neck! It’s a kick with enough force to break the neck of an elephant! Inuyasha, however, eats the kick and it BARELY moves him!*

X-23: …

Crowd: D:!

Ralph: OH SH—

*Inuyasha goozles the one known as “Talon” before easily lifting her into the air with ONE arm! X-23 responds with another powerful roundhouse to the neck, AGAIN to no effect! The Dog Demon easily tosses the Tag Team Champion through the air, OVER the top rope and to the floor!*

!!SMACK!!

X-23: …ow.

Crowd: OOOOOOOOOOOHHHHHH!!!

Bob: X-23 was literally FLUNG out of the ring!
Ralph: Now that was a chokeslam! I guess she didn’t hear me tell her not to let Inuyasha grab a hold of her.
Bob: I guess not. Inuyasha needed to create a distance between the two because of X-23’s superior speed. He was getting eaten alive out there!

*The Half-Breed’s reprieve does not last as long as he’d want, as X-23 kips back up to her feet in a single motion. She rushes past the stunned fans toward the ring. Inuyasha makes a b-line toward the ropes to meet her, not expecting the X-man to slide under the bottom rope and right past him! By the time he spins around, she’s already back to her feet and rebounding off of the ropes at the far side of the ring.*

Bob: X-23 off the ropes!

*Inuyasha once again swings wildly, and X-23 once again ducks underneath… She bounces off of the nearest set of ropes, springs off of them, flying into a handstand. She vaults off, nailing Inuyasha with a resulting vault kick that manages to knock the oaf off of his feet!*

Ralph: She got him!
Bob: Inuyasha down for the first time in the match! Now he finds himself trying to pick himself up from the canvas!

*The second Inuyasha rolls to his knees, X-23 is already above him, somersaulting in mid-flight!*

Ralph: UH OH!

*The Downward Guillotine kick lands right on the base of the Hanyou’s neck, damn near imprinting Inuyasha’s face into the canvas from the impact of the crushing kick!*

Bob: The Intergalactic Champion made to kiss the ring! He’s maybe now realizing he shouldn’t have underestimated his female opponent!
Ralph: DAMMIT Bob! >=|

*X-23 flips backward just as Inuyasha climbs to one knee. Stunned, he rubs the back of his aching neck with a slight smirk on his face.*

Inuyasha: Alright… That wasn’t bad girlie. I admit I didn’t take you seriously enough at first.

Bob: HAH!

Inuyasha: But not anymore. LET’S GO!
X-23: HAAAAA!!

*The silent warrior charges forth towards the Intergalactic Champion! Inuyasha parries away two high punches easily, just before X-23 flips backwards, attempting to catch him off guard with another rising kick to the chin! Not this time! Inuyasha catches her by the ankle, and lifts her high over his head!*

Ralph: got her!

*Just before he prepares to slam her into obliteration, X-23 slips out of the half-demon’s grip, landing behind him! She goes for a low sweeping kick, but Inuyasha easily leaps over the attempt, followed by a kick of his own! Talon rolls out of the way, springing forward towards the champ once more! Inuyasha quickly dashes backwards, easily avoiding more strikes from the Tag Team champion…*

Bob: Inuyasha is now matching X-23 move for move!

*Off balance, X-23 is FINALLY hit in the ribs by a big left from The Half-Breed! Rolling with the punch, she springs off of the middle rope, flying towards her opponent with her leg cocked backwards!*

Inuyasha: Too slow!

*Inuyasha darts towards her in a big silver and red blur, NAILING the airborne mutant out of the sky with a giant thrust kick! X-23 corkscrews out of the air, yet somehow manages to land in a one armed handstand, before vaulting back to her feet! Inuyasha lands on the top rope perched!*

Inuyasha: …
X-23: …

Bob: Inuyasha has the high ground!
Ralph: Yeah, but I don’t think X-23 cares!

*She leaps towards Inuyasha, who has the same thing in mind! They collide while both are still in the air, with X-23 able to connect first! She lands a BIG double axe handle style uppercut that connects!*

Bob: X-23 CONNECTS FIRST!

*Inuyasha takes the blow like a man however, giving X-23 an arrogant grin!*

Ralph: WHICH IS EXACTLY WHAT INUYASHA WANTED!

*Still very much airborne, Inuyasha grabs X-23 by her collar!*

Inuyasha: IRON REAVER!!! SOUL STEALER!!!!

!!KATHHHHHOOOOMMMM!!

*The Iron Reaver, created to destroy IRON RODS connects with X-23 head on! The clone is sent reeling from the hit, and consequently, crashes on the canvas before rolling into the corner! Her body lands unnaturally from Inuyasha’s primary attack, as she comes to rest in a violent, pretzel like shape in the corner!*

Ralph: Holy shit!!
Bob: The Iron Reaver hits, and… X-23 is GETTING UP!

*She stands from the hit. Her cowl is half sliced in half. Blood pours from the open wounds on her face and neck from the result of the attack for a few moments before her healing factor kicks in. Within seconds, she’s fully healed, save the bloody mess that covers the upper portion of her body.*

X-23: ….

!!SNIKT!!

Ralph: uh oh…
Bob: And the Bloody Mutant is not happy at all! She’s finally popped her claws!
Ralph: Is it time for someone to call 911?
Bob: not yet… But I have a feeling it’s heading in that direction!

Inuyasha: Weapons, now? I guess it’s time for Tessaiga, huh?
X-23: Wrong. I’ll gut you before you have a chance to un-sheath your weapon.
Inuyasha: …

*The second Inuyasha’s brain synapse FIRES to reach for Tessaiga, X-23 is already across the ring with her claws drawn!*

Inuyasha: LOLFU—

Bob: HERE SHE COMES!

*True to her word, Inuyasha doesn’t have the chance to un-sheath his weapon before he’s forced to avoid the Mutant’s aggressive attacks toward him!*

Ralph: She’s trying to take the Champion out now and make a statement!
Bob: yeah, to never under-es—
Ralph: SHUTUP!

*Despite the increasingly feral swipes, Inuyasha manages to avoid and block away every single strike that X-23 can throw at her! It is an impressive feat. However, Inuyasha is ignorant to one little fact that he learns the hard-way! Batting the Talon away, Inuyasha inadvertently leaves himself open to for an attack via X-23’s FOOT Claw! Cartwheeling into a handstand, Laura catches the Dog Demon across the face with a quick, DEADLY claw added kick! The damage is instantaneous, with blood quickly spewing from Inuyasha’s open wound! The dog demon staggers backwards, screaming in agony!*

Bob: X-23 HAS HIM!
Ralph: That HAD to hurt! He’s wide open now, Bobby!

*X-23 charges in once more, this time delivering a CLEAN slash to Inuyasha’s chest! The kick slices through not only the Robe of the Fire Rat, but cuts DEEP into The Dog Demon’s chest! The Champion roars in pain again, this time falling to his knees!*

Bob: ANOTHER KICK AND INUYASHA GOES DOWN!
Ralph: Those claws are made from the strongest metal known to man, and Inuyasha just took two very serious blows from them…

*With one hand hiding the gash on his face, and the other holding his chest, Inuyasha shows his toughness by standing back up to his feet! The crowd climbs to theirs in unison to cheer both competitors on!*

X-23: …
Inuyasha: …

*A brief silence is shared before X-23 dashes in for the finish, unknowning that by bleeding out the Dog Demon, she has open herself up for one of his most POWERFUL attacks!*

Inuyasha: BLADES OF BLOOD!!!!

*Turning his OWN blood into dozens of sharp, bloody projectiles, Inuyasha hits his reversal on a perfectly unsuspecting X-23! She’s bombarded and her body is ravaged from head to toe!*

Bob: HIJINKESSOU from Inuyasha!! The same technique that he used to defeat Marcella Grace!!

*X-23 hits the canvas, her clothes torn to shreds… multiple stab wounds cover her body! She’s hurting, but not defeated yet!*

Ralph: Is she getting up!?
Bob: SHE’S GETTING UP!

*Inuyasha watches his opponent return to her feet. He witnesses her wounds healing before his very eyes, and he’s officially had enough of this! As she recovers, Inuyasha finally draws Tessaiga! The blade flares full of his Yokai energy instantly…*

Bob: I think this is it!
Ralph: Fans are wisely getting the hell out of the way, too!

*Not even allowing X-23 to fully stand, Inuyasha calls upon the power of his father’s final gift to him, The Tessaiga!*

Inuyasha: KAZZEEEE NO KIIIZZUUUU!!!!!!!!

!!!KAAAAAATHHHHHHHOOOOOOOOOMMMM!!!

*X-23 is quickly engulfed by Tessaiga’s attack along with everything that was unfortunate enough to be behind her! The attack designed to destroy 100 demons in a single blow flies all the way back to the wall of the UCTF Open Air Arena! Somewhere, you can hear the crew responsible for repairing the UCTF Arena on a weekly basis cry a little…*

Bob: Wind Scar connects! This one is OV—

*X-23 DIVES through the smoke left behind by the windscar! Most of her body is charred to the bone! Both claws are drawn back!*

Everyone: HOLY SH–!!

*She comes down on Inuyasha with the double axe-handle, only both of her claws drive DEEP into the flesh of the Intergalactic Champion!*

Ralph: WHAT THE HELL!? HOW?!
Bob: Inuyasha has been caught!

*She RIPS her claws out, and a stream of Inuyasha’s blood follows! It’s so quick, so devastating, that the Champion falls to the ground in a heap! Once his body hits the canvas, he’s done! No movement can be seen at by The Half-Breed as X-23’s body slowly heals from the damaged it received at the hands of the Wind Scar!*

Bob: D:
Ralph: D:
Fuck it! Everyone: D:

Ref: R… Ring it. o_o

!!DING DING DING!!

*“We Don’t Care Anymore" by Story of the Year begins playing once more as the improbable has happened! X-23 has defeated the near indestructible Inuyasha in the center of the ring! The ref goes to raise her hand in victory, but X-23’s in a near feral state, she snaps at the official, causing him to dive out of the ring!*

Arzie: And the winner of your main event… The Number One Contender to the UCTF Grand Championship… X-23!!!!

Winner: X-23

Ralph: She did it… I don’t know how, but she did it!
Bob: HAH, I knew you were under-estimating her!
Ralph: Wha? SHUTUP! YOU SAW IT! SHE TOOK THE DAMN WIND SCAR ON HEAD ON! HOW THE HELL DID SHE NOT GET BLOWN AWAY?!
Bob: I’m glad you asked! Let’s take a look!

*The replay on the Jumbotron shows X-23 driving all six claws into the canvas less than a second before Inuyasha brings down the Kaze no Kizu! X-23 literally roots herself into the canvas like a tree and takes the full blunt of Inuyasha’s Wind Scar head on before striking The Intergalactic Champion with her final attack!*

Ralph: She… o_o
Bob: Took everything that Inuyasha had, knowing that her healing factor would be able to hold up through the technique, then, using all she had left, gave Inuyasha a nearly deadly blow!

*X-23, now completely healed, and very naked o_o looks her unconscious opponent over one final time before leaving the ring. EMTs rush past her, quickly approaching the bleeding Inuyasha in an attempt to administer emergency care.*

Ralph: …mutant puppies.
Bob: X-23 has made a statement to the UCTF and Sasa Dark that she is just as dangerous as anyone in this organization! Can she carry this momentum to UCTF: Cyberslam when she faces off against Kunoi Ishigami for the biggest prize in the Multiverse?! For Ralph Gerrard, I’m Bob Hinden saying goodnight!

End.

*As the cameras begin to roll inside of the UCTF Open Air Arena, the first image witnessed by the fans watching across the globe is the decorated inside of the Arena’s squared circle. What is usually a blood and dirt stained canvas has been covered by lavish red carpeting with a giant stand that sits centered in the ring. Sitting on the stand, facing the hard camera are two trophies with the respective insignias “UCTF Strong Man” and “UCTF Strong Women.” Standing near the solid gold trophies is UCTF Ring Announcer, Arzie.*

Arzie: Ladies and Gentlemen, at this time I would like to introduce the SAVIOR of the UCTF, Saaassaaaaa DARRRRKKKK!!!

*The end of the esteemed announcer’s sentence is quickly drowned out by a raging torrent of booing from the capacity crowd as Sasa Dark’s theme music begins to play over the sound system! The Benefactor slowly saunters onto the stage, absorbing the full brunt of an angry UCTF before continuing his arrogant stride down the aisle.*

Bob: Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to another edition of the Ultimate Saturday night event, MASSACRE! Beside me is my great friend and colleague, the hentai commentator, Ralph Gerrard!

Ralph: Look who’s watching Sasa’s back, Bob.

*Walking a short distance behind The Benefactor is the man who carried out Sasa’s orders at Cyberslam VII after Yugo Ogami failed to dethrone the UCTF Grand Champion…*

Bob: It’s that DAMN Reiji Takigawa! How in the hell is he not rotting in prison for MURDERING that poor woman at Cyberslam?!

Ralph: I don’t know.

*Sasa and what is presumably his new bodyguard enter the ring before dismissing Arzie back to his seat at ringside. The Korean asshole, now with a microphone delivers his trademark shit eating grin, totally blocking out the violent jeering being directed at him towards the fans.*

Sasa: ^___^ THANKS FOR THE LOVE!

Crowd: BOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!

Sasa: Tonight, I am allowing my favorite piece of scum the chance to begin making money again, as I’m officially REINSTATING Kunoi Ishigami back into active competition. In fact, I’m even going to place him in the main event next week, as he will face XIU SHIELDS’ on the next episode of Massacre.

Bob: Oh Great… after what happened at the April Fools Day show… Kunoi’s been fuming.

Ralph: And Kunoi doesn’t seem like the type who would let something go… even after FIVE MONTHS. He’s crazy. =(

Sasa: And Kunoi… I hope you win that match. =3

Everyone: O_o?

Sasa: I want you to enjoy your last time ever winning a contest inside this Arena, because at the next pay per view, CYBERSLAM VIII-

*The crowd EXPLODES at the mentioning of a new Pay Per View on the horizon!*

Sasa: You will be defending your championship TWICE in one night!!!

Ralph: And folks, that’s two less than Kunoi had to go through at the last Cyberslam… o_o

Bob: Indeed. Sasa must be going soft.

Sasa: And sure, I know what you idiots here in the arena and at home are thinking! BUT SASA, YOU PUT HIM AGAINST FOUR PEOPLE AT THE LAST CYBERSLAM AND HE WON ALL OF THEM, INCLUDING A BOXING MATCH WITH YUGO! YEAH WELL THOSE FOUR PEOPLE HE FOUGHT WERE EMBARRASSMENTS TO THE UCTF.

*The collective eyes of the fans begin to widen as Sasa’s calm, happy go lucky demeanor quickly deteriorates…*

Sasa: NO… … e_e no this time Kunoi. You’re GOING to lose. You’re GOING to be embarrassed, because these two proved themselves not to be total failures at Ultimate Massacre II!

Bob: Was that a compliment?

Sasa: >=D Come on out.

*”We Don’t Care Anymore” by Story of the Year begins first, bringing out one half of the UCTF Tag Team Champions, X-23!*

Bob: And here comes the woman who went through her own tag team partner, Bat-Girl, Marcella Grace and finally, Leona to win the 2008 UCTF Strong Woman Championship!

Ralph: That match with Leona was brutal…

*Once X-23 climbs into the ring, “Hanyou Inuyasha” begins playing next! Out walks the Half-Breed Dog Demon who holds both the Weaponmaster and Intergalactic Championship titles!*

Bob: And Inuyasha, who defeated Xamot, Gideon, and finally vanquishing his rival, Raven Darc in the finals to claim the UCTF Strong Man Championship!

Ralph: This guy scares the crap out of that entire locker room, Bob. He’s almost indestructible!

*The Strong Man and Woman stand in the ring, arms folded while Sasa Dark slowly steps in between them.*

Sasa: YOU ARE LOOKING AT THE END OF KUNOI ISHIGAMI’S UCTF GRAND CHAMPONSHIP RUN! BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!

Ralph: I’ll admit, it’s not looking good at all.

Sasa: For proving that I’m not completely wasting the money I’m paying you both on a weekly basis, I am honoring you both by presenting these NEW AND IMPROVED Strong person trophies, as well as a Grand Championship match at Cyberslam VIII. Great Job! ^_^

*A close up of the trophy shows that SASA’S FACE has been carved on the statue.*

Bob: Are you KIDDING me?

*Sasa motions towards the aisle and out comes Senior Official Guy Lombardo rushing to the ring. Reiji, who produces a coin from his pocket, tosses the coin over to the referee. Guy gives the coin a good looking over before signaling to Sasa that it’s alright.*

Sasa: Here’s how it will work. Kunoi will face the winner of this coin toss. If that ugly Japanese son of a bitch SOMEHOW managed to win his match up against the first opponent, then he will go on to face the second opponent at the end of the Pay Per View. If heads hits, Kunoi will take on X-23 first, and if Tails, he will face off against dog boy here. So let’s get the coin toss under way!

*Guy Lombardo flips the coin, allowing it to fall back onto the carpeted canvas.*

Sasa: …..

Fans: …..

Guy: IT’S HEADS!

Bob: And there we go! Kunoi Ishigami will take on X-23 first at UCTF: Cyberslam VIII!

Ralph: Is that good or bad for Kunoi?

Bob: Well, X-23 proved that she is a superior fighter in the UCTF, but did you see what Inuyasha did to Raven Darc!? That guy’s only defeat in this company came because it took FIVE people in a concerted effort to take him out of the match!

Sasa: And just to prove I am a fair man, at Cyberslam, Inuyasha, I will place you in a match of equal competition… In fact, just for the fun of it, on the next edition of Massacre, The number one contenders will duel when The Dog Demon, Inuyasha will take on X-23 in a non title match!

Bob: O_o wow.

Ralph: I know. You’d think Sasa would stack the deck against Kunoi, but…

*Sasa’s mood quickly darkens AGAIN…*

Sasa: And for the rest of you idiots here in the UCTF, Cyberslam is going to be a VERY VERY BAD DAY FOR ALL OF YOU E_E. THE REMAINING ROSTER WILL COMPETE IN A LITTLE CONCEPT CALLED “THE SASA DARK APPRECAITION TOURNAMENT!”

Bob: Oh God! He’s been teasing that for months! WHAT IS IT?!

Ralph: nothing good, Bob. I can tell you that right now that it’s nothing good.

Sasa: Thank you everyone and have a good night! ^___^!

*Sasa’s music hits once more as he retreats to the back with his bodyguard in tow.*

Ralph: I’m beginning to suspect that he’s bi-polar.

Bob: That would explain a lot… Oh, and also the fact that he’s just a blatant asshole. I mean, he was speaking as if Kunoi is going to waltz right past X-23. I seriously don’t see that happening!

*X-23 and Inuyasha, opponents for next week, and POTENTIAL opponents for Cyberslam give each other a parting glare before the tag team champion leaves the ring. Inuyasha prepares to leave as the ring crew rushes down to tear down the decorated sections of the ring, but something out of the corner of his eye catches him.*

Inuyasha: …

*The dog demon reaches down and picks up the coin that was used in the toss. He slowly flips it over to reveal a SECOND head!*

Crowd: O_O

Bob: OH WHAT THE HELL?!

Ralph: Two sided coin? …That SHITTY Referee Guy Lombardo lied!

Bob: What did you expect!? What is Sasa doing?! He purposely put X-23 in the first match with Kunoi!

Arzie: Ladies and gentlemen, the following matchup is scheduled for one fall… introducing first already in th ring, the winner of the TXI Federation Tournament and the one who destroyed an entire arena in Lansing, Michigan… ROCK HARD RRRRIIIICCCC AUUUUSSSTTTIIINNN!!!

Ralph: The first match of Massacre is now going to be underway!

Bob: Ric Austin against a newcomer to the UCTF!

Ralph: NOOO!!! GOD NOO!!! X_x

Bob: ….. The more I see Ric Austin, the more I’m beginning to understand your pain… o_o

Ric: e_e *raises arm*

*Then ‘Eternal Gravestones’ by composers Naoshi Mizuta and Nobuo Uematsu blares from the speakers, prompting the UCTF’s newest fighter Blu De’Ragnarok to walk down the ramp toward the ring. The crowd barely shows any interest, as fighters need to earn their popularity among the fans around here. Funnily enough, both fighters have their faces covered; Ric with his mask and Blu with his veil.*

Ralph: He looks like he’s from one of those Allah Ackbar places. o_O

Bob: Ralph, don’t insult those people! Do you want your head chopped off?! >=|

Ralph: What if he’s not Muslim?

Bob: SO WHAT IF HE’S NOT?!

Arzie: And his challenger, from the land of Aht Urghan… he is the mage BLLLUUUUU DEEEE’RAAGGNAROOOKKK!!!!

*The mage steps into the ring, and then pulls out his two swords, the Tizona and the Beastslayer, both with DMG 42… which could be either good or bad, depending on Ric’s health points. Um… Ric Austin has health points? Oh never mind.*

*DING!*

Blu De’Ragnarok vs Ric Austin

Ric: Woah woah, this is no damn Weaponmaster match here! I DIDN’T SIGN MY CONTRACT TO DO THIS–… oh fuck it. e_e

*Ric Austin begins the match by charging straight for the well-dressed blue mage! That proves to be a bad mistake as Blu counters with a nasty Fast Blade, cutting slashes through Ric’s body! Ric’s health points drop 50 points! Before Ric can even recover, Blu continues on the onslaught with a Red Lotus Blade attack, scorching Ric to a burnt crisp and sending him high in the air! And since Blu’s just beginning this, he executes the Spirit’s Within as he jumps to Ric’s level in mid-air, striking him continiously and then follows it up with a Vorpal Blade! He’s not even finished yet as he does the Expiacion, which provokes an Aftermath spell upon hit, giving Blu an accuracy bonus! Exactly how one can tell someone’s accuracy has improved by a point or by a loss of a point… no one really knows! What do you think this is, a RPG VIDEO GAME?! Oh wait…*

Ric: X___X!!

Bob: Blu is off to an impressive start here!

Ralph: *watches YouTube videos instead*

Bob: Ralph! Focus on the match! e_e

Ralph: This guy is confusing, so I’m looking at YouTube videos to figure out his moves. o_o

Bob: *sighs* ~_~

*Blu with his overly-complicated moveset simply waits for Ric’s body to land with a THOOOM, and then his hands start to burn as he chants a spell!*

Bob: Ric’s gonna be in a world of hurt here!

Ralph: Yeah and…?

Ric: *cough* *cough* Is that all? e_e I had a tiger run into my apartment and I survived that… bring it!

Blu: e_e

*WHOOOOOOOOOOOOOSSSSHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!*

*Blu goes through his looooong list of spells, starting with… a Blastbomb! The ring becomes engulfed in flames like Andre Tau has just showed up, and then Blu chants a Bomb Toss, sending Ric’s flaming body into the air again! Then a Pinecone Bomb (which is a piercing spell), a Death Scissors spell, a Helldive spell, Blood Saber, and finally… a MP Drainkiss! But… there’s one problem with that last spell…*

Ric: *HAS NO MAGIC POINTS IN THE FIRST PLACE*

Blu: o_o

Ralph: Um… get out of the way, blue magic guy… o_o

*BOOOOOOOOOOOOOMMMMM!!!!!*

Crowd: OOOOOOHHH!!!! o_<

*Blu had sent Ric high in the air with that many spells in the combination… but is so surprised by the lack of effect from the MP Drainkiss that he forgets to step out of the way as Ric drops and SLAMS down onto Blu’s body! Ric’s body bounces several times before resting on top of Blu!*

Referee: o_o…. Oh! ONE… TWO….

*KICKOUT!!!*

Ralph: OH MAN! ALMOST GOT AN UPSET THERE!!

Bob: Blu has just kicked out of a potientally embarrassing loss there!

Blu: *coughs and staggers up to stand*

Ric: x____x

Blu: Ugh… my health points are low…

*Blu chants the Healing Breeze spell… and since the Referee is within the immediate area of the effect, he suddenly feels… more healthy!*

Referee: WTF? I FEEL GREAT! ^___^

Ralph: ……

Bob: wat

*However Blu sees Ric standing up! He takes several steps back, amazed by how Ric could withstand that much punishment!*

Ric: e_x…

*Ric charges for an attack! Blu prepares for another spell but Ric beats him to the punch, literally! He starts to pound onto the mage, whose spells are almost to a desperately depleted point! Blu collapses to the corner of the ring, where Ric continues to punch him on the face, chest, stomach and then mudstomps him when Blu gets to the ground!*

Bob: Ric’s giving him a beating there!

Ralph: He’s certainly gaining a lot of confidence since winning that TXA thing. o_o

Bob: This is Ric Austin we’re talking about… just wait a bit, he’ll be on the losing end again. e_e

*Ric is THROWN BACK when Blu engulfs himself with lightning and undergoes the Thunder Impaction Skillchain! What consistutes this skillchain? HELL IF I KNOW, I DON’T PLAY THE GAME AND EVEN THE WIKI FOR IT IS CONFUSING. Ric once again flies high up in the air, smoke trailing from his ass… and since the Arena is OPEN-AIR… he just keeps on flying higher and higher, wishing that there’s a Dallas Cowboys Big-Screen to stop his ascent! But alas there isn’t one, and finally gravity takes over and Ric starts to fall!*

Ric: FFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFF

BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOMMMMMMMMMMM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

*A Ric Austin-sized crater is in the center of the ring!!*

Blu: o_x….

Ref: o_o……. um, ring the bell.

*DING DING DING*

Bob: And Blu De’Ragnarok wins his first match against Ric Austin!

Ralph: Big woop. e_e

Winner: Blu De’Ragnarok

*The programming halts for a few moments while the ring crew has to remove Ric Austin from the ring, while another set repairs the canvas that was destroyed thanks to Austin’s bulbous body crashing through the canvas. THANKS A LOT BLU! Finally, once everything has been corrected, the ring announcer returns to the center of the ring…*

Arzie: Ladies and Gentlemen, the following contest is scheduled for one fall…

*Arzie’s line prompts the song “Eclipsed” by Evans Blue to chime up, which can only mean one thing…*

Ralph: Oh Crap!

*Ralph’s sentiment is echoed from the capacity crowd, because HE’S back! That’s right, the Russian Military Energy Vampire, DIMITRI has returned to the UCTF!*

Arzie: Introducing first, making his return to UCTF competition… DIIIMMIIITRRRIIIII!!

Bob: Dimitri has resurfaced after vanishing from UCTF programming for more than two years!

Ralph: Last time I saw him, Andre Tau had beaten the crap out of him in the back stage area right before his match up with Kunoi Ishigami! Which reminds me, where the hell is Andre?

Bob: Hell if I know!

*Regardless, Dimitri has returned, and is here to do battle against a man he’s already defeated once in a UCTF ring. The foreboding theme, “Forever Torment” begins playing next as the lights around the UCTF Open Air Arena de-illuminates into darkness…*

Arzie: And his opponent…

Ralph: Last time these guys fought, Dimitri pretty much embarrassed Xamot. You think the big guy is still angry?

Arzie: Hailing from the BA-O_O OH SHIT!!

*The demon swoops into the ring directly in front of Arzie! The ring announcer scurries out of harms way as fast as his legs will take him while the demon grabs the unsuspecting Dimitri around the face. Xamot quickly plows the Energy sucking Vampire into the corner! The sound of The Russian’s body’s impact into the corner, followed the sounds of screws and bolts snapping under the impact, which lead into the ring ropes quickly loosening and falling to the ground. The corner of the ring itself gives way, as the steel BEAM holding it’s end of the ring together falls over like a tree, just BARELY missing the crowd, thanks to the barrier!*

Bob: I would say yes!

Ralph: I bet Arzie is SO happy he decided to wear dark colored pants today! Xamot almost destroyed the entire ring with Dimitri’s head!

!!DING DING DING!!

Dimitri vs. Xamot

*But even after a powerful sneak attack such as the one Xamot delivers, the Energy Vampire shrugs off the attack like the badass he is, before flashing a sinister smirk!*

Dimitri: Hello Xamot. Missed me?

*He quickly retaliates with an uppercut to Xamot’s chin! This powerful punch, coupled with his Psi-Vampiric powered ‘Exhausting Touch,” Xamot is sent flying! Airborne following the terrifying uppercut, the demon flips backwards before gently landing on the opposing side of the squared circle. Even more enraged, Xamot’s demonic ki begins to permeate. From which, he begins to mould his dark ki into the forms of sharks.*

Xamot: MAKO STRIKE!

Bob: Xamot sends his Mako strike into a feeding frenzy!

*Leaping over the frenzy of energy sharks, Dimitri plays right into Xamot’s hand who follows up with a wave of dark energy. It connects, sending Dimitri into the first row of fans. Now, The fans know that the buying a first row ticket to a UCTF event is almost asking to die, but to be there when Xamot’s fighting and has his targets set in your direction?? And even worse…*

Dimitri: I forgot how tasty your energy was Xamot. How’s about a little more?

Fans: D:!!!

*Dimitri is ASKING for it! Xamot growls as he gathers energy for his Nile Star, and many fans begin to wisely make their exit from the danger area. Well, almost, all of them. One unfortunate slow poke manages to be caught in the grasp of Dimitri, as he launches the poor bastard into the on coming ki attack!*

Bob: OH GOD! OH DEAR GOD!!

Ralph: o_o Wow. Haven’t seen a good Fan incineration in a while.

*The spraying of human bits distracts Xamot just for the tiny FRACTION of a second Dimitri needed to advance within range to once again utilize the Exhausting Touch. The powerful energy draining technique staggers Xamot just from being in the VACINITY of the attack, and Dimitri capitalizes on his newly acquired advantage by flooring the demon with a BEAAAUTIFUL jumping kick.*

Dimitri: Got ya. >=)

Bob: XAMOT DOWN!

Ralph: oh come on, The bastard absorbs his energy attacks! He absorbs physical attacks!

*The demon has to think fast or risk having all of his energy sapped from his current body. And with Dimitri latched on top of him attempting his “Restrainer” technique, Xamot only has one option at this point. Xamot takes flight with a Russian latched onto his back!*

Bob: XAMOT GOES UP!

Ralph: This might end badly for Dimi-

*Xamot quickly switches directions and speeds towards the Earth like a Meteor!*

Dimitri: oh sh-

Crowd: *TURNS HEAD*

Ralph: Well what was left of that ring is pretty much scraps right now…

Bob: And that move alone could have changed the course of this contest!

Ralph: Uhh.. Did you see the part where Dimitri broke the ring with his head?

*Ralph is correct, however, falling from a ridiculous height at terminal velocity is no picnic! Dimitri remains motionless for the time being, which finally gives Xamot his first major advantage in this contest, and he’s not willing to give it away that easily…*

Xamot: …RISE!

*The former champion calls forth the souls of his many victims who quickly latch themselves onto the Russian, holding him down for their master Xamot, who slowly ascends above the arena… His previous expression of frustration now erased, his trademark, sadistic smirk has returned, as now he has Dimitri in the perfect position to finish him off!*

Xamot: ahahahaha AHAHAHAHAHAHA! YOU’RE FINISHED!

Ralph: oh crap.

Xamot: MEGALAAAAAAAADOOOOOOOOONNNNNNNNN!!!

*Xamot’s ultimate ki attack levels the remaining pile of metal that was once the ring and obliterates it, along with the souls of his damned victims and Dimitri himself! The ki from the blast spreads out upon impact, causing the entire Arena to shake at it’s very foundation!*

Bob: NO ONE gets up from that attack! I think Dimitri might be within moments of his first one on one loss here in the UCTF!

Ralph: o_o Not if the Referee got killed in that blast.. then I’d assume this would be a no contest.

*The Billowing smoke from the impact of the attack fills the arena, as Fans struggle to return to their seats…*

Ralph: uh oh..

Bob: what?

Ralph: too much smoke. I’ve watched enough Anime to know that THIS isn’t ever good!

*And Ralph is right once again, because as the smoke dissipates, one thing becomes increasingly clear, it will take A LOT more than that to knock out The Russian.*

Dimitri: ugh.. Not bad.

Everyone: D:!!

Ralph: *MOUTH DROPS*

Bob: The Russian is STANDING after that attack! He’s worse for wear, but he’s seems to be doing just fine.

Dimitri: Now.. IT’S MY TURN!

Xamot: D:!

*The Russian draws his hands in the same manner as his nemesis just a few moments earlier, and begins to call upon his newly acquired demon powers!*

Bob: Don’t tell me he’s going to-

Dimitri: MEGALADONNNN!!!!

Ralph: HE IS!

*Xamot is bombarded with his very on super ki blast attack, and though it lacks the same amount of force that the Demon’s, it’s MORE than enough to finish off the already battle worn Xamot who know slowly falls to the area where the ring USED to be!*

Bob: Xamot is down!

*Another referee rushes to the scene following the blast, and it’s simply elementary. Xamot ain’t getting up anytime soon!*

Ref: o_o Ring it!

!!DING DING DING!!

Bob: It’s over! Dimitri’s singles undefeated record remains intact after an impressive finish!

Winner: Dimitri

*Following the match, EMTs rush to carry the unconscious demon to the back. Meanwhile, the ring crew rushes to begin construction of a new squared circle. Dimitri, however, remains in the same spot, with his arms still clasped together.*

Crew member: uhh.. sir? O_o

Dimitri: I think I put a little too much into that atta—

*The Russian’s passes out mid-sentence before landing face first on the broken concrete below.*

Everyone: o_o….

Ralph: I hope the EMTs brought another gurney…

*After another break, we return to the action, with Good ol’ Arzie The Ring announcer standing in the center of the newly built structure…*

Arzie: Ladies and Gentlemen, the following is our featured contest of the evening!

*Story of the Year’s “We Don’t Care Anymore” begins playing following Arzie’s short monologue…*

Arzie: Introducing first… hailing from Gotham City, she is one half of the UCTF’s Tag Team Champions… BAAAAAAAATTT-GIRRRLLLL!!!

Bob: Bat-Girl makes his way down the aisle, fresh off of her RAZOR THIN loss against her very tag team partner at the Only The Strong Tournament many months ago. Will she avenge that loss tonight?

Ralph: Considering her opponent is a 300lb tub of lard… I’d say, yeah.

Have Mercy On Me… A Sinner.

*Speaking of the Devil, out walks the UCTF’s greatest World Champion! And he has a surprise for everyone in attendance!*

Arzie: And her opponent… weighing in tonight at TWO-HUNDRED AND FIVE POUNDS…

Everyone: D:!

*That’s right! The Steve Wilkos pep talk worked! Lo-Ruhamah is down to his fighting shape! Along with his weight, he’s shed his ice cream stained clothing and is back to wearing his Metrosexual attire with a renewed look of determination on his face!*

Arzie: He is the former UCTF World Champion… The Unloved one, LOOOOO-RUHAMAHHHHH!!!

Ralph: …well I’ll be damned. e_e

Bob: Wow, this begs the question Ralph, if he was able to lose that much weight in a matter of months, how haven’t you lost any weight in 11 years?!

Ralph: I’M HAPPY WITH MY WEIGHT. e_e

!!DING DING DING!!

Bat-Girl vs. Lo-Ruhamah

*Somewhere in the Midwest of the United States, Steve Wilkos watches the action from his television set, trying his best to hold back a tear.*

Steve: ;_; Thattaboy, Lo… Thattaboy…

*The action starts off quickly back at the UCTF complex with the “All Business” Bat-girl quickly charging Lo-Ruhamah! The Unloved one parries away several of his female opponent’s strikes, before returning fire with a wild, chi-powered slap attempt. Bat-Girl manages to avoid having her chest lit up, Ric Flair style by rolling under it. Lo stumbles a few feet forward when he hits all air, while Bat-Girl charges into the ropes before allowing them to spring her back towards the center of the ring.*

Lo: e_e!

*Lo spins around and catches the flying Bat in the face with a holy punch that sends the tag team champion upside down!*

Crowd: OOOOOOOHHH!!

Bob: Big Haymaker by the Former World Champion!

Ralph: Well he’s got his speed back… Remember when that Momoiro girl beat him?

Bob: unfortunately!

*The Unloved one quickly pulls Bat-girl back to her feet by the arm, before attempting to twist her over into the Purgatory Whip! He’s not quick enough, however, as Cassandra slips out of the arm lock attempt! She ends up behind the now prone Lo and PUNISHES his error with her Handstand Frankensteiner technique!*

Bob: BEAUTIFUL reversal! Ruhamah bounces off of his hea-HE’S BACK UP O_O

*Lo completely NO SELLS being tossed to his head and charges forward with a chi powered Lariat in tow! Bat-Girl wisely ducks the decapitation attempt and punishes the former Champion with a shuffle side kick before following quickly with quick boxing strikes to soften up Lo’s midsection…*

Ralph: Lo’s new rock hard abs are being put to the test right now!

Bob: o_o……

Ralph: What?!

Bob: and I’m supposed to be the gay one…

*She finishes the combo off with a BIG rising knee that knocks Lo CLEAR on his back in the center of the ring!*

Bob: Lo’s down early in the contest!

*Cassandra leaps into the air. She continues her assault on Lo, never giving him a second to recover by raining down what HAS to be an endless supply of batterangs from the heavens! Lo rolls and dives the tiny metal bats until one finally meets his mark, causing a tear in his beloved tuxedo!*

Lo: …

Ralph: aww shit!

Lo: >=|! YOU BITCH! THIS IS THE TUXEDO I WORE WHEN I WON THE WORLD CHAMPIONSHIP FOR THE FIRST TIME! YOU KNOW HOW MUCH THIS COST?! HAAAAAAAA!!!!

*Now VERY pissed, Lo manifests ki from the tips of his fingers to his elbows before charging towards Bat-Girl!*

Ralph: This ain’t good for Gotham puppies!

*Now moving double his normal speed, Lo delivers a vicious string of punches in which Bat-Girl attempts valiantly to defend! However, the new surge of chi energy is too much for even the trained assassin to handle, and she is sent crashing into the corner! Lo mounts the downed superhero and continues his vicious chi laden assault! Punch after punch find their way into the jaw of his opponent!*

Bob: Ok Ref! You’re going to have to make a decision here in a second if she can’t answer!

Ralph: This isn’t UFC, asshole! Stop with that mercy crap!

*Ralph is right, as JUST when things looked too much for the Caped Crusader, she pulls a miracle right out of her utility belt! Catching a punch from Ruhamah, Cassandra quickly slaps a bat-cuff over his wrist, followed by slapping the other cuff to the bottom rope! Bat-girl slips through Lo’s legs, leaving the former World Champion chained and helpless!*

Lo: What the?!

Ralph: Where does she get such wonderful toys?!

Bob: I don’t know but she’s leaving the ring and going on the apron.. whatever she’s thinking about, it can’t be good for Lo!

Bat-Girl: RRARRGGHH!!

*Lo, just as helpless as he can be can only watch in horror as Cassandra LEVELS him in the face with a springboard dropkick from ALL THE WAY across the ring!*

!!POP!!

Crowd: OOOOOOHHHH!!

*Lo collapses on the bottom rope before his body slowly falls to the canvas below!*

Ralph: that was one HELL of a kick!

Bob: I’m not surprised if Lo is unconscious from a SICKENING blow to the skull like that!

*Fighting through the pain, Lo proves his toughness by pulling himself back into the ring! He’s not doing himself any favors, however, as Cassandra Cain stands in the corner, patiently awaiting her opponent! She opens up on him again, delivering a string of punches and kicks to the helpless opponent in the corner!*

Bob: Now the roles have completely reversed! Lo needs to find a way to get himself out of this pinch before the referee calls this one!

Ralph: ASLD;FKJADS;LF DAMNIT BOB! THIS ISN’T THE UFC! STOP IT!

*And again, Ralph is right! Lo’s foot manages to find it’s way into Bat-Girl’s chest and he throws EVERYTHING he’s got behind the thrust that sends her rolling all the way across the ring! Now with only a few moments of solitude, Lo powers up his free hand with chi energy…*

Lo: HOLY… PUNCH!

*Screaming the name of his attack for pure dramatic effect, Lo Holy Punches THROUGH the titanium fiber Bat-cuff!*

Bob: Impressive strength by the Former World Champion, freeing himself from his predicament!

Ralph: I told you! >=|

*A quick, yet intense stare down commences by both parties before they charge each other! Bat-Girl swings a haymaker which is ducked! Lo wraps his arms around Cassandra’s waist from behind! He throws all of his weight backwards, hitting a german suplex! He rolls over, lifts her back up and hits a second! He rolls and lifts her up, and she blocks the third suplex attempt! An elbow to the neck breaks the hold, followed by a stiff roundhouse to the face! Batgirl then attempts to flip Lo over, who blocks the attempt, lifts HER into the air and delivers a devastating body slam in the center of the canvas!*

Bob: The pendulum continues to swing here as momentum is shifting all over the place!

*Lo quickly raises his arms into the air while speaking a quick incantation that causes Bat-Girl’s body to float from the ground…*

Ralph: Not good!

Bob: indeed! Lo’s going for his magical submission maneuver, “Surrender Your Soul!”

*Bat-Girl, having prepped for this EXACT moment, cancels the submission technique by tossing ALL of her smoke bombs into the center of the ring before Lo can fully focus his attack! The entire ringside area becomes obscured from the billowing smoke coming from the squared circle!*

Bob: PERFECT timing with those smoke bombs there by Bat-Girl! And now Lo-Ruhamah is in trouble! With no idea where his opponent is, the ninjitsu trained Bat-Girl has the advantage!

*From the shadows, Cassandra Cain pounces from the top rope towards Lo-Ruhamah…*

Lo: e_e MY TURN!! HAAAA!!!

!!FLOOOOOOOOOOOOM!!

*Avens’ body burns a brilliant white light, instantly blinding Bat-Girl in midflight! The aura is so powerful it instantly destroys the smoke from Bat-Girls weapon, which leaves the tag team champion defenseless to a STIFF kick to the stomach*

Bob: LIGHT FOR THE BLIND!

Ralph: Not only that, but…

*Lo locks Bat-Girl’s arms with an underhook! Throwing his leg behind him, Lo swings it back forward to gain a massive amount of momentum to hit his double underhook DDT!*

Ralph: BAM!!

Bob: Lo plants the poor woman in the center of the ring with a DISGUSTING DDT! And up he goes to the top rope! This could spell the end of this match-up!

*Lo, now ascended on the top turnbuckle, turns his back to his opponent, while charging his body with more light energy…*

Bob: I think we’re going to see the-

*He leaps backwards, hitting the PICTURE PERFECT Moonsault in the center of the ring!*

Bob: FINAL JUDG-

*The moment he lands on top of Bat-Girl, the resourceful superhero uses all of Lo’s momentum against him, rolling her and himself over into a MIRACLE small package! The referee is in PERFECT position!*

Bob: BAT-GIRL REVERSES INTO A SMALL PACKAGE OUT OF NO WHERE!

Ref: 1…. 2…… 3!!!

!!DING DING DING!!

Ralph: WHAT THE HELL?!

Bob: BAT-GIRL GETS THE PIN! UNBELIEVABLE!

*Lo kicks out of the pinfall attempt at 3.000000000001 seconds and is on his knees with a look of exasperation on his face! Bat-Girl lays motionless after what many will consider as a MIRACLE pin after Lo-Ruhamah had a commanding lead in the match!*

Lo: D:!!

Arzie: The winner of this match…. BATTT-GIRRLLLL!!!

Crowd: *POPS!*

Winner: Bat-Girl

*Lo slowly stands up…*

Lo: o_o..

Bob: That was one hell of a performance by both participants! Bat-Girl proves she can get it done in the singles division of the UCTF and Lo has proven that he is BACK and Better than ev— OH WAIT!!

*Lo leaps to the top rope in a single bound and hits the FINAL JUDGMENT a second time on Bat-Girl!*

Crowd: …BOOOOOOOOOO!!!!

Bat-Girl: X_X

Lo: *FLIPS EVERYONE OFF* @_@!!!

Ralph: o_o umm.. Ok. Lo Really IS back.

Bob: x_x… for Ralph Gerrard, this is Bobby Hinden saying goodnight.

*As the cameras fade from tonight’s events, Sasa Dark stands in his darkened office overlooking Anime City.*

Sasa: a.. alright. I did ask you asked. Everyone’s going to be here. The Entire Roster. Now remember our part of the deal.

*As Dark figure standing the shadows of the office cracks a smile on his face.*

Excellent, Sasa. Do not worry, I keep my word. For this, you will be rewarded handsomely.

End.